We’ve been laying low these school holidays.

Or I have, anyway.

I’ve been watching old episodes of ER  and eating all of the wrong things.

I’ve been making and doing things with the kids.

I’ve been  fighting with the teenage boy,

which causes rifts within the family at large.

They say parenting little ones is hard.

Give me a newborn or a toddler any day.

Teenagers are hard.

Damn hard.

It’s not that it’s been too hot or that we couldn’t go out if we wanted to.

I guess I’m in some sort of awful slump.

Again.

It’s the same with blogging, really.

I come to the computer and sit for a while trying to think of how to word the things that I want to say

but it seems too boring or self pitying

and I think; ‘what’s the point’?

It has got alot to do with the whole hospital fiasco but there’s a whole lot more to it as well.

I’m sure whatever I put down in words will be viewed poorly by someone

and I struggle with that.

I do.

I joke around and tell people I am a reformed people pleaser.

The really sad thing is,

I’m not reformed at all

and worrying about how people see me is exhausting at best

and soul destroying at worst.

Sadder still is that I can’t seem to stop that behaviour.

It is ingrained into my very being – always seeking the approval of others.

I know all of the tools to work through it but those horrible thoughts of self doubt always find their way in

and then I loathe myself all the more.

Ugh, don’t you all hate that revolving door thing?

Me too.

People are excited about the way blogging is going,

bubbling with new ideas,

new opportunities.

Feeling they finally have a voice in this medium

but I feel an unrest inside me.

I used to worry that I couldn’t keep up with all the new bloggers.

I used to get myself all knotted up inside

but now I just don’t care anymore.

All too often now other (newer) bloggers are quick to tell me that I’m doing it wrong.

I read post after post  how to be a better blogger,

how to be the best social networker.

Not authentic enough,

revealing too much,

posts being too long, too short, not contraversial enough.

Too many reviews,

not enough reviews.

Too many words in a post,

not enough photos.

WordPress, blogger, typepad (is typepad even a platform anymore?)

We pick on each other’s grammar and spelling.

We  cry poor when we feel someone has copied our ideas,

even though we must know that in real life, sometimes people think alike.

That’s how we come to have groups and committees and gatherings

and we balk at people who are original or non conformist.

We put cryptic messages up on facebook and twitter about how things cheese us off.

It’s guerilla warfare in blogland.

It seems as though the whole thing has become like a competition

in an all girls high school.

We attack each other’s way of writing and documenting things,

sometimes stealthily, in that chinese whispered scenario:

‘she never joins in, she never comments, she’s a little strange. Let’s push her out’

Sometimes it’s with our claws out, hacking and scratching our way to where ever it is we think we need to be to be important.

Trying to vie for more hits, more votes, more views.

Aren’t you all tired?

I know I am.

I sit and wonder at some of the things that I read,

wonder why we pick on each other so much.

Why can’t we all accept that each of us writes differently?

Like there are no two people in the world who are exactly the same,

writing or blogging (however you choose to see yourself) is an individual thing.

Perhaps that is a hippyish, floaty way of seeing things

but there it is;

why can’t we all just blog in harmony

and accept and appreciate that each person sees their world with a different point of view.

I know -

it will never happen because that is just the way things are.

I accept that

but I still wish for it.

I’ve been taking alot of photos these last few days.

They help me to clear my mind and find perspective

and this is my favourite:

For me, blogging should be like this.

Life should be like this -

sometimes joyous, sometimes beautiful, a little sad, sometimes whimsical.

Breathtaking, significant, everyday, ordinary.

It’s whatever you see that’s right

about all of this.