I’ve been looking through some photos.

Some of when the pair were two

and then three.

I think it’s about then that I start to see the differences in height.

For a while there, Ivy is just a tiny bit taller than Noah

and then suddenly she is not.

It’s okay in preschool because Ivy just doesn’t feel that she is any different

but now it’s obvious.

It’s this photo that makes my heart break:

Ivy has been sad these last weeks gone -

the incoming kindy kids for 2012  are all taller than her,

Noah graduating from his booster into a normal seat, as he pushes through the RTA restrictions

while she still fits snugly in her booster

and even still, into her baby seat.

It’s not fair.

She doesn’t like this.

She doesn’t want to be tiny

or little

or cute any more.

That was okay before all of  her peers started to tower over her

but it’s not now.

It’s just not.

I’ve wiped her eyes and stroked her hair

and pulled out all of my best deflecting skills.

Used all the ‘good things come in small packages’ lines that I can.

I’ve talked openly to her about her height

and why she is now 27cms smaller than her brother -

the illness,

the medicine

but still, she is feeling it.

Last night she mentions to me that she has worn her favourite rabbit PJs since she was three

and I know she’s right – Christmas, 2008 to be precise.

I’m not sure how to help her anymore.

I can tell her she is as tall as the tallest building in spirit.

I can encourage her growth with exercise and sunlight.

I can position her in photos, so she seems taller somehow

and give her tools (both emotional and physical) to deal with her height

but in the end I can’t give her what she really wants.

I can’t make her  grow.

I can’t give her height

and the two things that may make a difference -

she can’t have those either.

There will be no cessation of prednisone

and there will be no growth hormone – at least not under our current doctor.

It’s not everything, I hear you say.

I should concentrate on the positive -

she’s graduated kindy,

she has a nice group of friends

and she is headstrong

and beautiful

and determined to make the most of this life.

She has so many other issues, why worry about her growth?

There are oodles of physical reasons that I could give you -

how there is additional strain on her already osteopenic bones

and on her heart

and how it will contribute to her dental issues.

How growth hormone not only helps with the obvious but will help with her immune system

and her bone density too

but really

it’s big for me because it’s big for her.

When she’s hurting I want to fix it

and now I need to find a way.

If the paediatric endocrinologist up here won’t help then surely there must be another somewhere,

who will do the paper work.

There must be a doctor who is willing to push the boundaries and apply for the growth hormone, even if it is denied first time around;

at least take that chance

and so that’s my New Year’s goal -

to find someone who will do just that,

to find someone to help my seedling to grow.

She deserves to be as big as her spirit.