It was just too much for me though, when everyone was sick all winter. I had a kind of mini mental breakdown, I guess. I just didn’t want to do anything. Except blog. Except to put it out there into a forgiving, guilt free universe.

I wanted William, I wanted what should have been. I wanted a beautiful birth, a  live baby. I wanted the nightmares, the insomnia to stop. I wanted normalcy.

Ok, so I also knew that I couldn’t change anything. Nothing is ever going to bring Will back. Nothing. So realistically, I guess I wanted to be able to enjoy my family again. I was scared that I would never feel that warm contentment with my children anymore. Especially with Ivy and Noah.

I would cry alot. Torn between what I wanted, needed almost, to bringing in an income and helping out with money (and in turn, decreasing David’s stress). 

David has always been there for me. When my brother died, he was there. He pulled me up out of depression and made sure I went on to become a nurse. When I wanted to do midwifery, he supported me all the way but when it came to money, I always felt that subtle pressure, that expectation. So when he said it was ok for me to stay at home, I felt bad. Guilty bad. It really didn’t matter how he put it, how he felt my staying at home would benefit him, ease the pressure at work, I still felt that I needed to work. Until the first bout of croup gave me little choice but to resign.

So, for the last four months I have been at home. I have been seeing some people and taking some medicine. I have started to feel better, about the role I played in William’s death, about my family and how important they are to me, about my relationship with Ivy and Noah and for a large part, I have let go of the guilt of not working. I see the importance of being at home and I am loving it.

Until today.

This morning was the first time in a long while that I have felt that pressure to go to work, that old guilty bad creeping in.

Ivy and Noah’s birthday is coming and then it’s Christmas.

I love Christmas but I don’t. I love to see the kids’ faces early on Christmas day. I love the joy that they get from the things they really want, being under the tree. I don’t like the cost, the stress of balancing things out so everyone gets the same.

I know the next few weeks will be a juggling act of needs and wants. David knows it too. This morning he is stressed. About money. About juggling in an off pay week. I know that if I were working, there wouldn’t be a week where we would have to stretch the budget to breaking point.

What do I do? Should I go back to work? What would you do?

Would I just be walking straight back into the same old worries and be just as stressed, if not more so?

Am I ready to be the stress juggler again?

We dressed the twins in their new swimmers and went to put them in only to discover that some kind child had left two big floaters in there!(Does anyone remember that movie scene in Caddy Shack where Bill Murray picks up a thought- to- be poo from a drained pool, take a bite and after everyone has thrown up, declares it a chocolate bar? This was not one of those moments!)

In my teenage years we jokingly called them aquabogs (riding the waves of Bondi Beach). That is exactly what these things were! I saw David visibly recoil and we stood there disbelievingly for a while. (I think this was our first inkling that our resort had gone down hill somewhat, since Accor sold it). I urged David to tell reception and asked Imogen and Madeline to take Ivy and Noah in the bigger pool. They thankfully obliged their, now, disillusioned mother.

The little floating boats didn’t stop some kids though. Before too long several toddlers were swimming amongst the effluent! Ewwwww!!!!! I had to look away. Finally someone came to clean up but it was too litlle too late for me. There was NO way I was going to let my easily diseased babies into the paddle pool that day!

I know, I know, accidents happen and the average child’s bowel relaxes about ten minutes after entering into water but gross, people! Where were the parents? Couldn’t they have gone and said something to maintainence? Had it cleaned? I know it’s an embarrassing situation but to just run away?

Dear God, what has the resort world come to?

Maddy came home from dancing and her hair was in a terrible knotted mess, even though it was in a ponytail, so I cut it. That’s right, I did it. I was sick of the knots, tears (hers) and sweat (mine) everytime I had to brush it out, so I got my sewing scissors and lopped off about two inches. Up to her shoulders. What do you know? The brush runs straight through it now and both Maddy and I were pretty pleased with the results. I know I am no hairdresser but it’ll do for now. It’s neat, all one length and can still go in a ponytail sans knots. Not bad for a non - practicing midwife!

My house is always busy, chaotic and messy and while sometimes it’s really stressful running a household of nine, mostly I love it. David (DH) suggested that I have a blog to chronicle the happenings of our home and our life. Who cares if no one reads it now. It will hopefully be something more that our children can look at later on, so they know our thoughts and hopefully have some wonderful memories written down.

I’m quite excited. I always had a diary when i was in High school and then a journal for some of the more difficult times in life. I get some form of satisfaction writing down my thoughts so this should be good.

Today has been a hodgepodge of cleaning and shopping and milling about the house. Ivy( 15 month old imp) is currently climbing up the lounge in her latest daredevil attempt to better those of her brother’s. Noah is disapproving as only he can, by head butting the glass window and pulling things down from my scrapbooking table in an attempt to divert his father’s attention from her onto himself.

AJ our 10 year old foster son, is watching Digimon for the millionth time and his brother Mal is off in his own world, playing with his transformer.

The girls (Immy, Maddy and Lily) are all outside running through the extremely long grass, barefoot and fancy free. It’s nice to see them outside. It’s either been way too hot or raining lately.

Tonight the kids have thrown down a challenge to David and I to make dinner in an Iron Chef type style, with an hour to prepare and cook food under their secret ingredient, which tonight, is Pastry. It should be fun, with one small kitchen and two mad chefs juggling for space, hungry kids and overtired babies but such is life in this house. It IS a juggling act.

I guess, I’ll mostly be posting about life at home, work, things that I love like Belly Belly, cloth nappies, photography and scrapbooking but other things might creep in too, we’ll have to wait and see.