They didn’t find anything.

The bad news?

They didn’t find anything.

“Rectovac”.

“Doodoo Deluge”.

“Heavy Sh*t” (as opposed to Trish’s Go Lightly).

“Fire In The Hull”!

“Ring of Fire”.

“Alimentary, my dear doctor”!

“Colonic Draino”.

I know. I need to get a life.

So, the day has arrived when Ivy is no longer allowed to eat food. She can only drink clear fluids and she must also have her two doses of  Picolax.

Ok, I can hear you all asking what Picolax is.

It is a mixture that one downs for… faecal evacuation, to cleanse the colon, to make sure there is not an ounce of poo left in the poor kid, so the good doctor’s scope doesn’t get browned.

Get the picture?

Good.

Now, imagine, if you will, a girl who has the most chronic, grossest diarrhoea known to man and then add Picolax.

Can anyone say bowel explosion? That is what comes to mind.

When I read that Picolax was on the menu I cringed, literally. If you google Picolax you will get, among other things, horror stories of adults who could have won Olympic sprinting, with the speed they needed to find a toilet, post ingestion.

When I worked on the medical wards… well, let’s not go there. I didn’t last very long because Picolax was a common ‘refreshment’ on the ward menu. Enough said, really.

So in summary;

clear fluids only,

Picolax x2 over six hours

Nil by mouth from midnight.

Prednisone (don’t forget the prednisone munchies)

Already has the worst diahrroea.

Does anyone think today is going to be a happy day?

Just in case you were wondering, here is a picture of what Ivy did to her Picolax instructions, right after I told her she couldn’t have a ‘nilla shakey.

It can’t be.

I’m not ready for tomorrow or Thursday.

I don’t think Ivy will ever be ready…

The paperwork for the procedure came yesterday. No cover letter, nothing so friendly. Just three pieces of paper, the first being the doctors fee.

By the time I had finished reading just that alone, I felt like I could sh*t a brick. That’d give him something interesting to scope! Make it worth all the money he is bleeding from us.

Does it really cost almost $700 to stick a ‘flexible camera’ up one end and down the other?

 I mean, really?

That’s without the gas guy’s bill and any pathology that needs to be done…

Of course there is going to be pathology! That’s what the scope is for -  to get biopsies!!!!

Okay, we have insurance, so we will only be out of pocket around $300 for the procedure because that is the gap between the recommended retail price and the mark up but still.

$260 for consult.

$300 up the bum and down the throat gap.

$200 excess (because we haven’t had an admission this year).

Christmas Eve was still last year, my friends.

No, it doesn’t count.

Nor does the week leading up to New Year.

Plus sleepy juice and tests (unknown).

Probably looking close to $1000 by this time Friday morning or more. I hear these anaesthetists can charge whatever they like. They do hold your life in their hands after all.

Not going to pay your bill? Oh that’s too bad, oops, I just forgot to put you all the way under! What’s that? You can feel the doctor slicing you. Oh, I’m sorry.

Why does it cost so much anyway? Ivy only has a small bum. Her large intestine can’t be that long.

She’s only small. Couldn’t he do it for half price or… I could bring along Noah and maybe get a two for one deal?!?!? (kidding, just kidding).

I know, I know. I’m being overdramatic and cheap. What price can you put on the possibilty that he may find something important that will help to fix Ivy?

Oh and he’d better find something or i’ll stick his flexible camera… well…right where it’s supposed to go!