In a month I will turn 40.

I’ve joked and said that September will be cancelled

but in all honesty I’m not worried, nor can I stop time from ticking over.

It’s just another year, right?

Another year and a new decade.

I made a list

and it’s been mostly undoable.

I look at it now and wonder what I was thinking.

Hoping for a very healthy year for Ivy, I think.

It has been the total opposite of my expectations.

I did make a rainbow cake though

and I did go strawberry picking

but there was so much more I wanted to accomplish

and it has been some of the most simple things that have been pushed aside;

a walk along the beach on a Winter’s day,

reading more,

getting healthy.

I look at the list of things and feel sad and frustrated and unmotivated.

The last year of my thirties seems a waste

but I can’t look at my life like that.

I can’t feel that it’s been nothing when I really have been given so much

and so I thought I could make a new list.

This time with some of the things I have achieved in my life (so far).

Some of the most amazing things.

A life list, I guess -

I’ve sung  a solo in the Opera House.

Danced on my toes.

Played a lead role in a musical,

and had my major artwork displayed in the Art Gallery NSW.

Gone caving

and abseiling.

Made friends

and lost some.

I’ve been a brownie guide leader

and a joey scout leader.

I’ve built survival lodging in the trees

and carried a boy with a stick impaled through one side of his leg and out the other to safety,

after performing first aid.

Camped under the stars in a small country town.

Sung until I’ve had no voice left

and eaten whipped cream sandwiches with drunken men around a camp fire.

I’ve been bucked by a ram and bitten by a horse (twice)

and tipped a cow in Kangaroo Valley.

I’ve loved a lot of dogs.

I’ve visited an elderly friend when I was just a teenager every day until she died

and her husband told me afterwards that I was what she looked forward to every afternoon until that day.

I’ve muddled my way through death too many times now to count.

I’ve had hair so long I could sit on it

and hair so short I could get away with not brushing it in the mornings.

I’ve lived at eight different places since moving out of home, one of which we had built.

I’ve been in love just twice (but I’ve had a few crushes – some who have surprised me)

I’ve been married once to the man I’ve loved the most

and the longest

and together we’ve had six babies.

I’ve known what it’s like to have twins (twice over)

to have just one baby

to lose by miscarriage

late miscarriage

and to have a baby in my arms and lose him too.

I know caesarean

and normal vaginal birth

and I know the warmth of a chunky term baby

and the mixed feelings of love and fear when a baby is born prematurely.

I’ve breast fed and I’ve chosen bottle feeding too.

I know what it’s like to learn to love another person’s children

and to feel like nothing else matters when it comes to your kids (biologically or fostered).

I’ve saved, spent and lost money.

I’ve done it hard

and

I’ve known times when we have enough.

I’ve studied and learnt at university.

Psychology

child care

and finally settled on nursing

and then midwifery.

I’ve done CPR on a man I had been talking to just an hour before.

I’ve pulled gravel from the back of a twenty something year old youth because he was only wearing a singlet top and shorts when he crashed on his motorbike.

I’ve run for my life from a man with unstable schizophrenia because he didn’t like the way I tied his shoe laces and he wanted to ‘punch my lights out’

and I’ve been hit by a little old lady with dementia, with her walking stick, because I stopped her from scaling the fence to escape her nursing home.

I’ve helped patients to get better,

with dying

and dressed them in death

and I’ve helped women bring new life into this world too.

I’ve seen a lot of babies make it earthside

and some who didn’t

and every single day I felt as though that was something I was supposed to do with my life.

I’ve holidayed in Victoria,

caught a ship to Tasmania and stayed in a haunted colonial house

and walked the beach at sunrise in Queensland.

I’ve been to Disneyland twice

and had food poisoning in Hawaii (stay away from the liquid cheese)

and travelled business class once.

I’ve had a rich tapestry of adventures and day trips with my family -

some more adventurous than others.

I’ve been the ballet mum,

the school mum

the scout mum

and the footy mum.

I’ve made costumes

and watched concerts and ceremonies

and cherished every memory.

I’ve been a mum working full time, part time, from home

and I’ve been a stay at home mum now for five years.

Each has been challenging in their own right.

I’ve taught myself photography,

scrapbooking, folk art

and how to paint with water colours.

I’ve had two stories, some photos and a poem published

been on national television three times

and spoken on the radio with one of my favourite people ever.

I’ve met the dancers of The Australian Ballet.

I’ve met amazing people from all walks of life.

I’ve learnt more  about genetics,

the heart,

autism,

foetal alcohol syndrome,

global developmental delay,

dyslexia,

allergies

and the immune system than I ever thought I would.

I’ve learnt a lot about medications,

side effects

and blood products,

felt the highs and lows of having a very sick child

and I’ve seen both sides of the hospital bed.

Some days feel like they move at a snails pace

and some take my breath away.

I’ve seen and done a lot in these first 39 years and this is just a small portion of it

and that list I made, I might achieve one day

but for now I know I’m happy.

It’s been quite the adventure -

my life so far

and in no way a waste.