What I know about Wednesday is that the girl had been telling me for a few days that she felt unwell.
Tired and generally feeling yuck.
I put it down to her being on Ciproxin, which is a notoriously horrible antibiotic
and upsets the gut really easily.
I knew that the night before she had vomited twice and her temperature was a bit up, along with her heart rate
but the doctors knew that too.
We checked in with them and were promptly admitted
and by Wednesday night Ivy had crashed and burned.
It turns out she has some kind of acute renal failure,
her kidneys are pretty sick
and her creatinine climbing way out of the normal limits.
Tomorrow will be day four and she has made no gains yet -
there have been no improvements in her health,
It’s all scary stuff when they start talking about trips to Sydney and dialysis.
In fact, I have to say that I’ve not coped very well at all this admission -
teary and frightened of shadowy, unreasonable fears.
Things that lurk in the back ground,
in my worst nightmares.
Her electrolytes are all out of balance,
and she has been very jittery (some kind of tetany they tell me)
but all I can think was that she is going to seize again.
I can’t sleep because I need to be sure it isn’t going to be like the last crash and burn,
which I am almost positive I’ve not recovered from.
There is a lot of new stuff that I have had to learn about very quickly, things that I haven’t dealt with before in the world of Ivy’s health
and to tell you the truth, it’s all very overwhelming.
I feel as though I am jumping too soon, calling the nurses unnecessarily and driving the doctors mad with my questions and “what ifs”.
I am not usually that person.
I am more a “listen and then research it until I have an understanding of what the girl is dealing with this time”
kind of person -
A sensible mother.
This new panicky me is foreign.
I keep telling myself it’s okay -
that having another big thing to deal with on top of the last admission to ICU is so much for a mother heart to take
but my hyper vigilance is unresolved as yet and it is undeniably exhausting.
Hospital is not a place to recover from hospital.