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Hospital is not the place to recover from hospital.

What I know about Wednesday is that the girl had been telling me for a few days that she felt unwell.

Tired and generally feeling yuck.

I put it down to her being on Ciproxin, which is a notoriously horrible antibiotic

and upsets the gut really easily.

I knew that the night before she had vomited twice and her temperature was a bit up, along with her heart rate

but the doctors knew that too.

We checked in with them and were promptly admitted

and by Wednesday night Ivy had crashed and burned.

It turns out she has some kind of  acute renal failure,

her kidneys are pretty sick

and her creatinine climbing way out of the normal limits.

Tomorrow will be day four and she has made no gains yet -

there have been no improvements in her health,

only declines.

It’s all scary stuff when they start talking about trips to Sydney and dialysis.

In fact, I have to say that I’ve not coped very well at all this admission -

teary and frightened of shadowy, unreasonable fears.

Things that lurk in the back ground,

in my worst nightmares.

Her electrolytes are all out of balance,

and she has been very jittery (some kind of tetany they tell me)

but all I can think was that she is going to seize again.

I can’t sleep because I need to be sure it isn’t going to be like the last crash and burn,

which I am almost positive I’ve not recovered from.

There is a lot of new stuff that I have had to learn about very quickly, things that I haven’t dealt with before in the world of Ivy’s health

and to tell you the truth, it’s all very overwhelming.

I feel as though I am jumping too soon, calling the nurses unnecessarily and driving the doctors mad with my questions and “what ifs”.

I am not usually that person.

I am more a “listen and then research it until I have an understanding of what the girl is dealing with this time”

kind of person -

A sensible mother.

This new panicky me is foreign.

I keep telling myself it’s okay -

that having another big thing to deal with on top of the last admission to ICU is so much for a mother heart to take

but my hyper vigilance is unresolved as yet and it is undeniably exhausting.

Hospital is not a place to recover from hospital.

 

 

 

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17 Responses to “Hospital is not the place to recover from hospital.”

  • Trish (40 comments.):

    I’m so sorry Ivy is really unwell , on top of the last horrific admission too. I know why you don’t want her to go to WM. No wonder , it’s not an unreasonable fear . It’s been on my mind all day.
    Of course it is overwhelming and I’d be calling the Nurses and Drs every single time I wasn’t sure too.
    Take care of yourself too my friend.
    Praying Ivy turns a corner tonight and starts to recover.

  • Emma Fahy Davis (5 comments.):

    We’re keeping Ivy in our prayers, and you too. Panicky is a horrible feeling, especially when you’re used to having a calm, pragmatic approach, but the events of the last few weeks would make anyone jittery and on edge. When it comes to this kind of shit, ‘sensible’ is impossible. No child should have to deal with it, and no mother should either.

  • Renae:

    Thinking of you Tiff, it’s ok to be scared and hopefully the doctors and nurses will understand and that’s what they are there for to help Ivy get better and also to answer parents questions and to reassure you

  • Jodie:

    God bless you sweet Ivy xx

  • Malady:

    Tiff, I think its really interesting that the last videos you posted were of Ivy taking control of her fears, and breathing, and acknowledging the pain but letting it go. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, but my first thoughts after reading your post was that if I was there with you, I’d make you a cup of tea and just breathe with you.

    It isn’t ok whats happening to Ivy, and how you feel is normal and natural and completely understandable. So I’m sending you a virtual cup of tea, and breathing with you.

  • Lisa Fisher:

    My heart goes out to you. My thoughts and prayers go out for you. Know you ARE doing well and free yourself from performance expectations. Love and hugs…. Lisa

  • Krista:

    I am so sorry to hear this. You are an amazing Mum, and my thoughts are with you today.

  • Jan:

    Thoughts are with you and Ivy and all of your family, many thoughts and very often.

  • Jeanette (45 comments.):

    Have you in my prayers. Been thinking about you all constantly.

  • Cait Nicholas (1 comments.):

    Thinking of you and Ivy, my heart sank when I saw your fb update that she was seriously unwell again and you’ve been in my thoughts ever since. Keep strong brave wonderful Tiff, you and your family are in so many of our hearts, and I’m among hundreds (thousands?) of people who would drop everything and help if there was anything we could do.
    C x

  • mum:

    This is pretty scary stuff indeed, and following on from Ivy’s last admission, is definately cause for panic. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed and super watchful but being there, you have to learn to trust that all is being done that can be and that your courageous little fighter will respond. It is so important that you try to rest as best you can so you can overcome the initial panic and be able to absorb and analyse all you need to know for the best outcome.

    I understand too your worst fears and all the reasons for them and your dread of Westmead hospitalisation. All you can do is try to keep positive thoughts and hope with all your might for the best possible outcome. Agreed, given the choice, hospital is definately not the place to recover from hospital.

    Here’s hoping everyone’s thoughts, prayers and love, including mine, will help in some small measure to buoy you up and lessen your anguish and heartache just a little. <3 xoxo

  • Emily:

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I know your momma heart is breaking, but take a deep breath and remember that you are not alone and you, Ivy and your entire family is loved. You’ll all be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Emily
    Portland, OR USA

  • Meg:

    Tiff be gentle on yourself.. you are only human, you need to allow yourself to feel the fear. I am so sorry for all you are going through. Sending Ivy all my get well vibes and massive cuddles… take care of you
    Love
    Meg xxx

  • Sheri P.:

    Hi Tiff,
    I want to send hugs and prayers from my spirit to yours. I think about you and your family so often. You are amazing Tiff, and no matter what happens during this hospital stay, you will do the very best that you have within yourself to do, and that will be the best that anyone could possibly need. I’m also sending very special prayers for Ivy. If I could send health and wellness and all of the chocolate in the world I would, but I’m afraid that for now it will just have to be hugs and love. Feel better soon!

  • SassyCupcakes:

    You spend so much time being a rock for your family, especially Ivy, it’s completely okay to take some time to fall apart, especially times like these. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. With everything you’ve faced with Ivy lately it’s no wonder it’s getting to you. You’re an amazingly resilient superwoman, but you are still human remember? ;) Let yourself be human. And please God let Ivy get better soon. So much of what Ivy’s had to deal with is unfair, but you’ve had such an awful run of it lately. It’s got to get better soon. It must.

  • Claireyh (13 comments.):

    The nurses are there for you to ask questions, you are not bothering them – EVER. I have been thinking about Ivy and you the last few days to see where everything it at. Hoping there are some positive answers for you to move forward with very soon. Rely on others as much as you can for a change, they really do want to help any way they can.

  • Lisa:

    Prayers for you and your sweet child.

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