I’ve been wanting to write for days but the words elude me.
My mind too full.
Ivy was admitted to hospital on Thursday
and so was Maddy.
Ivy’s heart rate too fast
and Maddy’s way too slow.
Ivy went to her ward
and Maddy was separated from us
and I wished there was such a thing as a cloning machine so that I could be in more than one place at once.
Ivy had a rapidly forming abscess that, by the time of admission, was the size of a golf ball
and she was sick with it.
Maddy’s ECG was abnormal, her heart rate dangerously low -
her weight down another two kilos
and so very tired and unwell.
The paed very serious when he spoke to us.
On the second day just as Ivy was wheeled into theatre to have the most terrible abscess yet, excised
the psychiatrist phoned wanting me to meet him for a consult with Maddy
and really, that’s when I felt like I might break.
How do I choose between two sick babies?
I couldn’t be with both.
but life goes on, doesn’t it?
Ivy did okay in surgery -
the kind surgeon has Ivy’s anatomy down to a fine art
and the anaesthetist gave the girl exquisite pain relief.
The psychiatrist and the social worker saw Maddy and she did alright talking, with AJ sitting by her side
and then later Lily
until we could be together again.
I love how my family pulls together when we should all be falling apart.
The abscess was awful, necrotic and extensive -
Ivy’s body trying so hard to do what it’s supposed to
and the Anorexia is overwhelming.
I miss Maddy so much these days.
My Maddy -
not Anna’s (that’s her name, this horrible witch; that’s what we call her).
My heart feels like it is folding in on itself, into the tiniest little piece of tissue paper
unable to protect itself in any other way but to ball itself up into nothingness.
Saturday was better – we spent time together.
The nurses on Maddy’s ward could see that she was more relaxed, in a better place when she was allowed to be with family
Ivy was brighter and Maddy had accepted her nasogastric tube with continuous feeds,
she had become accustomed to the expectations of the hospital staff, for her anorexic self
has been calm and comforting, watching as both of my girls become a little stronger each day.
I think that a leaf of my crushed tissue heart unfurled a little too.