Truth.
Owning anxiety and okay, I’m going to admit it, depression is a hard thing to do
but here I am owning it.
It’s easy to hide that you are feeling lousy in yourself
lonely,
angry,
sad – okay way more than sad,
that you have plans to escape,
that you want to be anywhere else but here
because other people want you to be happy
and
well,
filling the needs of others is something that I can do.
Ignoring my own self is easy.
What’s that saying?
Fake it until you make it,
except that it’s getting harder to pretend some days.
People want to smooth things over and pat them down -
make things neat
but life isn’t a clean sweep
and it’s anything but neat.
It’s hard to admit
and it seems it is equally hard to get off my backside and do something about it.
I know that this has been more than post hospital blues for a while now.
Admitting that I was not coping with Ivy’s anxiety and pain
was a cruel first step in the downturn of my own stability
but I admit it – I’m not coping.
I’m not sure what to do with it right now.
Cry a lot -
I know that much.
Sit a fair bit
and feel angry with the world at large.
I know that exercise
and finding an interest
and talking it through is all helpful.
I’ve been here before.
I know what this is
but the catch 22 of it
is that it all seems a bit hopeless, really -
a bit too much to be bothered with
and finding the effort to get out of bed has been hard some days
so finding a doctor and retelling my tale
and then suggesting that he or she prescribe me something when they don’t really know me
seems harder still.
It’s not so bad that I have no forward planning
or that I can no longer find the good in each day
It’s just that sometimes it’s more difficult and the thing I don’t like most about it
is that those feelings of hopelessness are there more often than they should be.
I joke around and tell everyone that this immune deficiency gig has only taken six years to make me crazy
and that when he put Ivy on anti-anxiety medication (which is really an anti-depressant in the adult world)
the paed should have done a two-for-one script.
In all honesty
I wish he had.
On Thursday, after surgery,
after an awful,vivid nightmare in which I couldn’t successfully revive Ivy with CPR or mouth to mouth resuscitation
as we raced to the hospital in a black monster truck -
(on a side note why is there always one weird thing in every nightmare?)
and woke in some strange hyper ventilatory state because I think I was actually doing the procedure in my sleep,
after being awake for the rest of the night unable to shake it
and worrying that it was a sign that something terrible was going to happen,
a fresh faced young social worker told me that, in her opinion, I was probably clinically depressed
and that I should do something about it.
No.
Really?
Luckily, my sense of humour is still largely intact
because had I not have laughed at the peculiarity of that statement
I may have truly snapped and shown everyone what crazy really was.
As it stands today -
I feel okay
mostly because Ivy has been gifted with weekend leave from the hospital
and I have been enveloped in love and warmth and the beauty of everyday tasks like washing and cleaning.
Whatever this is,
it’s reactive
and so,
when Ivy is unwell
and the family is falling apart (which, lets face, it is often at the moment)
I feel bad
and when things settle and we are away from the medical hoopla that complicates our lives
I can pull it together enough to function.
Still, I know that I can’t keep going like this
and
is functioning my way through life all I want to achieve.
No.
I want to feel like living
and if I am going to be any good for my family at all I need to find a way to at least stabilise the sad.
Now, are there any doctors in the house?
Prozac is my drug of choice.
Just joking, my friends
but my goal is to do something about it this week -
I’m holding myself accountable…
as soon as I know the girl is okay
and before that social worker comes back again to impart more of her thoughts on this ‘unbalanced’ mind.
Much love to you, Tiff x
Beautiful Tiff no words sorry just giant hugs xx
Much love my friend
You know I will come and hold your hand
Mumma,
I don’t think you understand just how much you go through. I wish I could record every minute of the pain, of the struggle, so you could watch yourself from a different point of view, my point of view. People think that when Ivy’s not in hospital, things are all better. But that’s not true. Some days at home are just as hard as days on the ward. You have been so strong for so long, I honestly have no idea how you do it. Don’t think for a moment that you don’t deserve a break or are not allowed to feel sad and defeated and maybe a little crazy. It’s okay. You’re the most wonderful, beautiful person I know and no one would ever think less of you for admitting you can’t cope. I am constantly filled with awe and amazement at how selfless you are.
I just want you to know that you deserve every happiness, every joy each day can bring. You work so damn hard making sure everyone else gets that, you deserve to feel like you’re living and that you’re enough and that everything is going to be okay.
I just want to give you a HUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGEEE hug. Your daughters above words are priceless and are witten with such wisdom and understanding way beyond her years.
Love and hugs to you from across the lake.
Alison
Please do,
Please do this for you,
You deserve to feel better,
much love xx
Oh Tiff… if you can’t hear it from us, hear it from your beautiful daughter. Thank you, Immy.
Oh Babe, am there right next to you, went to dr last week and bawled all over him ( new doctor too, great 1st impression). It’s a sucky place to be and in some ways suckier the second ( or third) time around because you know the enormous effort it’s going to take to get back up.
But you can.
I can.
And we must. Because our babies are trusting us to pull our shit together and climb out of the hole.
So proud of you for acknowledging where you are at,
enjoy your blessed weekend with little miss, then go forth and find the help you need
xxxx
Lisa
I know where you are at (with far less stimuli to get me there this time). I went to a doctor and got a script – I still haven’t actually FILLED it, and I still have to go back for that appointment when you find out just what level on the scoreboard of life it is at – it is a truly shitty place to be.
And I don’t have to deal with half of your load, and wish I could halve it for you.
Truth.
I love that word.
More than that, I love that you are telling your truth and owning it.
Always here for you.
Always
Denyse xx
Even though I think Seal is a little creepy since watching him on The Voice, he did have it right when he sang “you know you’re never going to survive unless you go a little crazy” – I think they are the words aren’t they?! I do often get them wrong!
It’s ok to be a needing a little mental help, especially with what you have to cope with, honestly have no idea how you do it.
Look after yourself, you deserve it xx
xoxox
Tiff, don’t fight it – accept it and accept help. You deserve a little bit of nurturing and if that comes in the form of a tablet so be it. Goodness I have been on antidepressents most of the last 30 years (I am in my 60s) – they keep me together and allow me a good and happy life.
If your arm was broken you would have a splint – your spirit needs a splint right now. Go for it. Embrace it.
xx
Not sure if I cried most reading your blog or Immy’s comment.
Of course you are depressed, and understandably so, but you deserve to be feeling better. I just wish I was finished with my degree so I could write you a script but I can’t yet so please go and see a doctor.
Hugs to you xx
Hi Tiff, know that feeling of hopelessness and being in a dark hole too. Struggled for a long time. Finally went to my GP and it really was no big deal, I felt nervous and embarassed but I shouldn’t have. Got help, got medication, I was scared i would feel a zombie. I don’t, I still get sad etc but I don’t have panic attacks and I don’t go down so low. Get help Tiff, perfectly understandable that with all you have to deal with you would feel depressed. Seek help to feel better.
HUG
I know that feeling too
I struggled, was overwhelmed, wanted to run….luckily a new doc at teh 24 hr clinic correctly read my tears and ramblings and
I got help, I got medication, I see a psycologist regularly (as often as can be afforded and fitted around other family medical stuff)
I’m better for it
No, I’m alive for it
DO IT TIFF! You deserve some help.
I know that place.. I’ve been there.. I still go there more often than I’d like to admit.. When people say “You’re only given as much as you can handle..” I want to smack them.. In the head.. With a chair..
I wish I could take your pain away Tiff.. Ivy’s too.. Sending love doesn’t really help.. I know.. But I am.. And hugs too.. Big fat squishy ones..
Renee xx
Immy, you made me cry.. You’re a beautiful human being.. But I’d expect nothing less.. You were raised by an amazing woman! (I’m sure your Dad helped too..)
Tiff,
It took me a (really) long time to admit that I had a huge problem with anxiety and depression. It was scary and overwhelming without all the extra pressures of being a mum (and you, are a wonderful one), I can’t imagine how difficult your world must be some days or offer any solutions but I do send positive thoughts and love and urge you to think about taking the next step… whatever that might be for you. For me it is medication, it doesn’t take all the bad days away or make every moment easy or smile worthy but my god, it makes life liveable. It makes the dark days further between and those hard days possible to get through rather than feeling like your actual soul is hurting. You are no failure, no failure at all.
Kathryn xx
I hope you can get the help and meds you need ASAP. So much love. xxxxx
Oh my gorgeous Tiff, I hope you get the help you need soon.
Sometimes one would be in an abnormal state if one was not experiencing some depression. That or lying/in denial (the river they call da nile). Everybody needs help at one time or another. And whatever helps is appropriate. For my part, I have been in chronic pain for 38 years as a result of work related accidents. And I have been on prozac for decades. It helps me deal with the grind of always being in physical pain. I have tried others, but that is the one that works for me.
You live under constant stress and fear for more than 6 years. Any one else may have cracked under that onslaught. It makes perfect sense to ask for help. Its astonishing that you did not do so years ago. Its ok, love. It is NOT admitting defeat. It may only be for awhile til you get your bearings, or it may be longer. Its totally acceptable, my brave and stoic friend. You earned it. You really are one amazing lady
Immy you too are amazing. If its still your chosen field you will make a terrific doctor. xxoo Barbara
Well said Immy.
Tiff, I’m looking forward to hearing what a difference anti-depressants are making in your life in a few weeks time – they generally take a couple of weeks to fully kick in, from memory. It will be the best thing that you have done for you in years, I’m thinking.
Sending the very tightest of hugs. Well done on taking the first step – posting here is definitely one way to be held accountable. You are amazing and we would all feel just as helpless or hopeless as you do if we were dealing with all that you deal with. Immy said it all! It’s a credit to you, Tiff, that your daughter is so loving and supportive and aware of just how valuable you are. You couldn’t be more right, Immy.
Listen to these valuable comments and particularly that from your daughter, if not this one. You need to rest that weary soul of yours and off loading your ownership of anxiety and depression here, is a start but there is more help out there if you need it. You obviously feel that you do and the social worker recognises that you do, so she may be the introduction to the way out.
Your dreams are the manifestation of all your concerns and worries for Ivy and the monster truck is a representation of the largesse of all that is troubling you and does not necessarily mean foreboding, even though I understand this is all a part of your ongoing anxiety. I can totally relate to all your feelings of panic, failure, hopelessness and despair and the inability to overcome them. So, all credit to you that you recognise this and will seek the help you know you need, even though you only want to run and hide to get out from under the heavy load that is so weighing you down.
Your only failure will be if you fail to find yourself again. Some serenity must take hold when you look at this beautiful b/w still life photo at the beginning of this exceptionally honest post.
xoxo