Someone, somewhere in the universe decided that I didn’t belong on the internet
and that’s okay.
Everyone has their right to an opinion.
They said that my writing style was terrible and that without Ivy’s illness I would be nothing.
Both of which are probably true.
I guess my writing is hard to read because of the broken, jilted sentences
and double spacing
but I became accustomed to writing the way I talk, with pauses and long moments between my thoughts.
I am actually quite capable of writing in paragraphs, it’s that I choose not to. If all the world were cookie cutter perfect then it would be a pretty boring place and then what would humans have to complain about, if we were all the same. Don’t answer that. I’m sure we would all think of something.
The part that really did sting was the comment that I would be nothing without my daughter’s illness. It stung because it’s quite true. I have often felt lately that all I am is Ivy’s disease. I live it. I breathe it. It consumes me and unfortunately it defines who I am as a person, right now. It’s not that I want it to be that way, it’s just that I really have nothing else to talk about because my whole life revolves around what is happening with Ivy. My other children are affected by it, my relationship with my husband and with the other members of my family are affected by it too. It is who I am because it is all I know. It reminds me of an ad years ago where a married couple with children go to a dinner party and find it hard to have a conversation about something other than their kids.
In reality, if Ivy were living the typical life of a seven year old girl, I probably would not still be blogging at all. I would be back at work as a midwife, doing something I’ve loved since the first day I started working as one. I would be trying to balance that and my large family and I would more than likely not have much time for a blog. Like so many others who started blogging when they were at home for their kids or for another reason entirely but then, as time wore on, returned to their former normality, I would have probably given up on writing. Unfortunately my life has not been a typical one and my daughter has not had a typical childhood.
For many years I have written here and I have been hurt by anonymous people before but that comment; that I would be nothing without my daughter’s illness, hit me hard.
I struggle with people making judgement calls on others. I struggle with the meanness of society. It makes me feel disheartened with humanity and despondent. It seems as though we always have to pick on each other for one reason or another, no matter how small or big that thing is. No matter what that thing may mean to the person who is the brunt of the criticism.
Blogging is a funny thing. People in the know talk about branding and finding your niche. Without something that interests you, without something that gives your writing purpose, there is no point to having a space. One of the very first things that writers find in their stories is to write what they know. It enables readers to feel a connection with an author. It allows them to find like minded people, or someone who is going through or has gone through something similar. It enables readers choice because again, everyone is different. Everyone on the earth has a different story to tell. That is how we have come to be gifted with so many genres in writing. Even the most fictitious of stories have some basis of truth to them. A character might be modelled on a friend or a situation may be something that has been lived in it’s basic form and then written into a science-fiction scenario.
It’s the same with blogging. One might find joy in decorating, another might have an excellent sense of humour and revel in telling hilarious tales about incidents in their daily life. One blogger may be into quilting or knitting or saving the world. Or they may be a stay at home mother who wants to talk about their children. Whatever their niche, everyone has a different take on life but it is all about what they know and right now, all I know is Ivy. All I know is my family.
Unlike the couple in the ad,
who then turn around and purchase a newspaper,
so that when they attend their next dinner they are up on all of the news and current affairs (and are consequently the life of the party)
I won’t be changing who I am any time soon -
because I am truly unable to alter the small girl’s
and therefore my path right now
and I want to write about it here so I can process things mostly
but also because it might help me link up with people going through similar.
I will carry that criticism with me always
despite my wanting to change it.
So, in lieu of worrying about being nothing but my daughter’s nightmare online
I will instead concentrate on being my family’s everything offline,
write what I need to
and I might even write in paragraphs from time to time too,
when the mood strikes.