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The new normal.

 

If somebody had have sat me down seven years ago

and said to me that

on this day,

after very little sleep,

I would be sitting on my bed with my husband

laughing hysterically (and possibly inappropriately)

because we had both just conceded that six weeks was actually quite a long time to be out of the hospital -

I don’t know that I would believe them

but having  lived through today (and the previous night)

I can honestly tell you that I did just that

and in my world six weeks is a long stretch of  time between hospital visits.

Six weeks is our limit though;

at least,

it’s the girl’s limit

and so we find ourselves in here again.

If you’re thinking kidneys – you’d be right

and if you’re thinking that I’m tired and shouldn’t be blogging at this obscene hour,

you’d probably be right about that too.

I’m finding it hard to switch off though

and I’ve been thinking about how we constantly change our view of ‘normal’.

In previous years when Ivy’s heart rate hit 160 beats per minute, I would feel uptight and frightened

because at the age of six the average heart rate is between 80 – 100 beats per minute

and 160 seemed extreme but now -

now 160 is nothing (160 is a walk in the park)

200 beats per minute is my new point of panic.

In previous years a good ‘break’ from hospital would have been generally accepted as months

where as now if we make it to the next paediatrician’s appointment

it feels like winning…

and so it goes.

I suppose the feelings of resignation that I feel

when I know that Ivy is sick to the point that I cannot help her anymore

and our only way out of the illness quagmire

is through the hospital doors,

is my new kind of normal too.

That numb feeling -

that disconnected-ness

started about six months ago

and they were foreign then

but now

I accept them as a way to protect myself from all of the other associated feelings;

sadness,

exposure,

stress,

failure.

Don’t get me wrong  -

it’s easy to be philosophical now

when Ivy is here

and safe

and I know that she will be okay.

Not so easy at 3am when you feel pulled in every direction -

sick baby

kids who need to get ready for their first full week of school

a husband’s pressure to be at work,

weighing up how you can manage to make it through the day

after sitting up all night nursing all of those worries,

along with an ice cream container because the small girl’s nausea leaves her panicked and retching every 30 minutes or so

but I guess that’s just part of our new normal too.

 

 

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14 Responses to “The new normal.”

  • Veronica (703 comments.):

    Well fuck. I’m glad you got the 6 weeks at home, but jeez, your new normal kind of sucks, yes? Hoping Ivy responds quickly and that you’re home soon again.

    Also wishing for all the good nurses, family and friends to deliver you chocolate and ice-creams and enough space to breathe. xx

  • Carolyn:

    You must be exhausted!. I can only imagine how stressful your life is right now. I really hope Princess Ivy feels better soon xxx

  • Leanne H:

    Oh Miss Ivy rest up and feel better soon, Mum, sit down and breathe..hugs for you x :)

  • Jennette:

    Heartbreaking, the whole lot of it. For Ivy, for you, for hubby and for the other kids. I can only imagine the stress about hubby’s job on top of it all.
    Thinking of you and sending hugs.

  • Jennifer Barrett:

    My heart goes out to you all!

    Remember you are an amazing woman and you will get through this!

    xx

  • Jan:

    Just for you to know you are thought about so much.

  • Kirsty @ My Home Truths (15 comments.):

    Oh Tiff, so sorry to hear you and Ivy are back there again. I hope she recovers soon and that she can make it past the 6 week mark next time and that you can find a way to get more rest yourself. Take care.

  • Lynda M O (9 comments.):

    Holding you both up to the Universal Healing Power and hoping that the visit solves Ivy’s kidney problem and you are able to get some rest …

  • rachel:

    I think there comes a point that you have to accept what you never thought you would expect, and then make it as normal and positive as you can.. in hospital and home.
    Took me years to do this and Paul still struggles with it.. beofre this my head was a shumbles and i was bitter, angry and just didnt like who id become.
    I still have those moments but now have more control with it.
    I would never wish this normality on anyone…. but if we are dealt the card, we got to play it at our best
    xxx hugs always

  • rachel:

    please try and get some rest….. try and shut those eyes… the days are too long… x

  • Anne:

    Darn! I was so pleased to see Ivy start school on day 1 with everyone else. I pray she gets out soon and the new normal expands enormously. x

  • Watershedd (58 comments.):

    Normal is such an amorphous concept; that’s why it shifts so easily in our minds. If only our stress levels adjusted with the same boundary-less ease. Hugs to you and yours, all of you. It sucks having one so ill constantly, especially a child. X

  • Mum:

    So sorry it has come to this again but sadly that’s the way of it and acceptance of the “new normal” could possibly make it all a little easier each time around. Sometimes you have to laugh hysterically at what seems a hopeless situation rather than shed endless tears. Either way, it’s a much needed temporary release from the repeated worry, fear and sense of failure that is a constant companion. The only failing here is Ivy’s lack of a workable immune system and all that is associated with it, through absolutely no one’s fault at all.

    Just imagine what a sense of achievment might come for both you and Ivy if the “new normal” was to extend the interval for a more prolonged time than six weeks. Such progress, at the very least, would mean a different “new normal” and lessen the present expectations of an episode every six weeks. Hold onto that thought and never give up hope for a better outcome each and every time.

    Here’s hoping for a different & newer normal next time and a promise of a speedy homecoming. xoxo <3

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