We were discharged late, late on Sunday night
after the cannula in Ivy’s foot tissued.
It was kind of a relief, to tell you the truth
and since then we have been moving through the days at lightening speed.
The girl is in school along with Noah
happy yet tired all at once
and everything has gone back to the ordinary routines of daily life.
I’d like to say that I am happy and content (and I am mostly, I am)
but the truth is that hospital admissions and dealing with medical staff drain the life out of me
and I go through, what I have come to think of as, the post hospital blues.
It’s a physical and emotional thing -
you are tired but you can’t sleep
you feel lonely but you crave alone time
you are happy and miserable at the same time
you want to fix everything but at the same time you just want to sit
and yesterday, when a bird flew head first into my sliding door and I thought it dead
and I sat by it on my old verandah begging it to get up
and then cried great salty tears, laced with spent adrenaline
because it was a beautiful little thing,
some kind of honey eater I think -
with dark green feathers all over
except for its tail
which was yellow and had golden flecks through it, if it caught the sun just right
and to die at the hands of something as cumbersome as a door was inconceivably wrong
I knew that the blues had found me for sure.
It’s nothing really, in the grand scheme of all things terrible in this world
but I need to find my feet, brush myself off and find my happy again
before I can be any use to anyone.
I’ve written some posts but my uncertainty in posting them
in case people find them too boring or frivolous
or not what they are looking for
and that’s part of this down time post hospital junk too
and so, I might leave it for a while my friends,
if that’s okay with you
until I’m feeling more like myself
but I wanted you to know that the girl is home.
You deserve to know that much because you support me through each illness and admission
and I’m appreciative of that.
She’s safe and happy and that’s more than she’s had for a while
and that makes me happy too.
This is not a recent photo but one of the last times I remember her being smiley
She hates all photos of her with the nasogastric tube in, so they are few and far between at the moment
but, like me, she will get there.
We both will.