We both will get there in the end.
We were discharged late, late on Sunday night
after the cannula in Ivy’s foot tissued.
It was kind of a relief, to tell you the truth
and since then we have been moving through the days at lightening speed.
The girl is in school along with Noah
happy yet tired all at once
and everything has gone back to the ordinary routines of daily life.
I’d like to say that I am happy and content (and I am mostly, I am)
but the truth is that hospital admissions and dealing with medical staff drain the life out of me
and I go through, what I have come to think of as, the post hospital blues.
It’s a physical and emotional thing -
you are tired but you can’t sleep
you feel lonely but you crave alone time
you are happy and miserable at the same time
you want to fix everything but at the same time you just want to sit
and yesterday, when a bird flew head first into my sliding door and I thought it dead
and I sat by it on my old verandah begging it to get up
and then cried great salty tears, laced with spent adrenaline
because it was a beautiful little thing,
some kind of honey eater I think -
with dark green feathers all over
except for its tail
which was yellow and had golden flecks through it, if it caught the sun just right
and to die at the hands of something as cumbersome as a door was inconceivably wrong
I knew that the blues had found me for sure.
It’s nothing really, in the grand scheme of all things terrible in this world
but I need to find my feet, brush myself off and find my happy again
before I can be any use to anyone.
I’ve written some posts but my uncertainty in posting them
in case people find them too boring or frivolous
or not what they are looking for
prevents me
and that’s part of this down time post hospital junk too
and so, I might leave it for a while my friends,
if that’s okay with you
until I’m feeling more like myself
but I wanted you to know that the girl is home.
You deserve to know that much because you support me through each illness and admission
and I’m appreciative of that.
She’s safe and happy and that’s more than she’s had for a while
and that makes me happy too.
This is not a recent photo but one of the last times I remember her being smiley
She hates all photos of her with the nasogastric tube in, so they are few and far between at the moment
but, like me, she will get there.
We both will.
Do what is needed to take care of you. We will miss you for sure. You are always in my prayers.
My word she’s going to be a heartbreaker when she gets older … smiley Ivy is a beautiful thing! xt
Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming. Just Keep Swimming
Tiff, maybe it’s time you see a Dr for yourself. Your shoulders can only carry so much at a time and I totally understand when that burden is removed even for just a moment you feel bare, vulnerable, empty and nervous and wondering when is it going to return. I have needed medical “help” numerous times over the years when things have got just too hard to cope with and I’ve learned to accept it gladly because I now feel I have a quality of life that reflects on the rest of the family – if I’m sad or grumpy or just confused the family all see it and they too don’t know what to do to fix it for me. Take time out for yourself, go and meet up with friends for a cuppa, take some beautiful photos of nature and see someone whether it be a GP or just someone to talk to. Remember a problem shared …..
Sending you love and strength xoxox
That terrible mix of emotions, you describe it so poignantly. It must be terribly hard to be “just back to normal” so to speak, or what is normal anyway. I just wanted to send love regardless xx
I am very glad that Ivy is home. Thinking of you. xxxxx
You sound so exhausted, you poor sweetheart. It takes time to get over all the intense stress you’ve been through so I hope you do get the chance to rest and rejuvenate. One day at a time. And please feel free to blog whatever you feel, no matter how much you think you only have to share positive news. We are all here for you through the good times and the bad – especially when you need some positive thoughts. Take a break if you need it but share if you can, it seems to help you xx
Such a beautiful photo (as usual) – and she looks a little taller (though I could be wrong). More importantly, take care and do what you need to do for you. Whatever that is.
Thank you for the update. Do whatever is necessary to get through strong woman. Come back when you are ready.
Is there a therapist or friend you could talk to? you won’t be of any help to Ivy and the rest of your family if you have a break down.
Is there any way you can take a break for a few days? can your mum or someone watch the kids?
Please take care good care of yourself.
Hi Tiff, goodness I would be surprised if you didn’t feel pretty ghastly sometimes. It is your precious baby daughter (yes we always think of them as our babies) who is suffering and you would do anything you could to carry the burden for her.
Do whatever it is that makes you feel better. Sometimes we forget to just be. If you feel a need for some medical, psychological, pharmacological help then ask for it. Many of us need this kind of support to just make it through the day. It is not weakness, it takes strength to put your own needs at the top of the list.
As for the posts; take a break if you feel you need it – or just occasionally tell us what is in bloom in the garden, what you are cooking, or post a pic of something interesting.
Dian x
Sometimes the ‘happy’ hides in the oddest of places, but you must keep looking.
xx
Dear Tiff, Glad you are both home. I was just going to write if you had not posted by tonight, and here you are. You are one of the coolest individuals I have had the pleasure of meeting. Glad you know its time to step back for a bit. You and yours will be missed . I will check to see if you have something to share. Just concentrate on being good to yourself. Know that you are loved…Barbara XX
Tiff you have had an impossible year; not many people could get though what you have as well as you have.
Take some time for yourself, take it easy, and if you need help, please get it.
Forget what is not worth the time n heartache and focus on all that is.
Take a few moments for you to smell the fresh air n rest..
All my love xx
Hey there my photographer friend……am up to a get together meeting you half way any Friday you choose! Love that ivy is back at school. Yes, you will get there…and you know how to do it, because you have done it before. Much love.Denyse
Thanks for the update Tiff.
You do what ever it is you need to do to be okay.
I hope you have a professional person that you can talk to. It sure does help to have a place to dump all your thoughts
and then help you sort through them.
Your darling girl and gorgeous family will remain in my thoughts.
take care xx
Of course you both will get there but like Ivy, you too are tired with all the never ending battles and again like
Tiff take some time out, no wonder you are feeling a little flat and blue after the roller coaster you have been on, thinking of you and Ivy and hope calm times are ahead of you xx
Of course you both will get there but like Ivy, you too are tired with all the never ending battles and again like Ivy it will take some time for you to rest & recuperate.
It is such a pity though that you feel so burnt out with blogging but I’m sure once you’re feeling renewed you will be hitting the keyboard once again. This has been so therapeutic for you, I know, and blogging will be again.
Meantime, take a necessary break, to thine own self be true and you will most assuredly get there. This I know! xoxo
Tiff – lots of hugs for you and Ivy – it would be a mix of jumping at shadows, joy the shadow isn’t there and an emptiness where the shadows loomed – you have a truly beautiful family, and I do hope that in the mix the moments of delight in them can overcome that breathlessness of shadow play.
Thanks for letting us know about Ivy being home (great) and about how you are feeling (not so great but so understandable)
I understand the blues. Hang in there. My thoughts go out to you.
Thank you for keeping us in the loop re. Ivy being home. That IS great news and off to school too!!
If any one has sat with a very sick child and has had to do battle with idiot, inefficient and rude hospital and medical staff, will know that you get burnt out. You get shitted off. You get cranky that people just don’t ‘get it’. You resent the time lost with your other babies and family.
You have to refuel. It’s not depression!
It is worry and sadness with lots of anger.
So….. time out and family time and we’ll see you when you’re in the mood again. lots of love. xxoo
Take care of yourself Tiff, I agree with seeing your GP if you need support like that – it helps me cope.
And remember that Kim is available for a Cuppa.
xxx
take the time you need, we will be here for you when you get back. love the pic