I’ve had these two moles on my face for as long as I can remember.
I can’t remember them not being there but I have photos of me as a young child where my face is clear of them.
I have memories of kids teasing me and calling me ‘Witchypoo’ (a mole covered character from a popular 70′s children’s program)
I remember being in sixth grade when my father told me they were ugliness on an already ugly face and that I should do something about them
so, they’ve been there for a while.
It became a recurring issue for him
but I was a child and I didn’t know what to do.
I tried things that I read about to get rid of them – lemon juice made into a paste, aspirin applied directly to the moles and covered
even scratching them off
but nothing worked.
They just came straight back.
In hind sight,
he was my father and he could have done something about them for me as my parent
he could have helped me
but he was never going to,
content to tell me over and over what an awful person I was to look at.
I’ve thought about getting rid of them for a long time.
They’ve grown in size over the years
and I feel people staring at them often
and there have been many times, even as an adult, that I’ve been called nasty names
and had them pointed out as an unsightly feature on my face.
I’ve been to the doctor a few times to have them checked and to get a referral to have them removed
but I’ve either chickened out
or time has run away from me.
Mostly, I’ve just been too scared.
Last week though
I was walking through the shopping centre and some young boys thought it a good idea to start pointing out my flaws.
I was fat and ugly and shouldn’t be out in public apparently.
I was “Nanny McPhee” (another moley character from a children’s story)
and perhaps it was because I was already feeling fragile
but I let those boys get to me
and they took great glee in seeing me upset.
I’m not usually a person who cares a great deal about appearances.
I’ve always told myself that there is no room in my life for vanity and that I need to work with what I’ve been given
that it’s just an outer skin and that what matters most is what is on the inside
but yesterday I made an appointment to have those darn bumps on my face removed once and for all.
Actually laser surgery.
I hate them and everything about them – the memories they conjure up,
the wanting to hide my face away all the time,
the comments and the stares.
and struggling with my decision even now
because it is for vanity only that I am making this choice and that goes against everything I have told myself for the longest time.
It is challenging my values.
I have to wait two long weeks before my consultation.
Time enough to lose my courage again
but I hope I don’t.
I hope I see it through.
I’m tired of always feeling like the ugly duckling
I don’t want to be Nanny McPhee anymore.
I just want to be seen as me
and that might still be ugly in the end
but this is something I need to do
just to know how it feels to be a little less moley.