Phobia.
When she was little and she had not been through so much
Ivy was fearless.
She loved and enjoyed many things,
especially the beach.
There was something about the salt spray and the feeling of the sand that made us all feel just a little bit wild
and free
but especially the girl.
She would push her chin to the sky and take on the world
and then stuff happened.
For a while there she couldn’t go in the ocean -
attached to a pump, with a port and then a hickman’s line
and she would sit on the sand and watch as the others splashed in the waves
and wished for the day that she could go swimming.
Then one day she could
but when we took her to the beach she was overwhelmingly and shockingly afraid.
Afraid of the sand,
afraid of the water -
just afraid
and whether it is true fear
or a way for her to deflect all that life has thrown her -
Ivy no longer loves the beach.
In fact, I would say it is bordering on a phobia of sorts.
Now, all of my children have had fears.
Noah still dislikes bugs of any kind and was scared of the vacuum cleaner for a while
and Lily had a fear of being eaten by an alligator, when she was four
but they’ve been fleeting or
I have been able to talk to them about what is frightening them.
This is different.
Last week, she agreed to going
and for the first time in a long time, she walked on the sand
and built a sand castle with her dad -
it was definitely progress
but when it came to the water part, well,
it was brief
and altogether painful.
Like it has been every single time since she declared her fear.
For months we have been trying a slow introduction
and gotten not very far at all -
onto the grassy hill by the sand,
to the very edge of the path that spat us out onto the beach,
onto the beach itself, so long as she could be carried -
and so on this day I took her down to the waves,
told her we were going to stand in the water.
Before we even got there, she was begging me to go back.
Screaming that she was scared, so scared and that she needed to go back to the towels.
Right now!
I stood with her
and tried to talk to her about what was frightening her
but all she could do was scream
and twist into me
and beg.
It was wholly awful.
Dave came down then
and my mum
and together we formed a tight little crescent of protection.
I asked Ivy that we stay in the water (barely ankle deep) for five minutes without crying.
We did her breathing excercises
and tried everything we knew to show the girl that it was okay -
she was safe
and her hysterical tears turned to quiet sobs and heaves of reluctance
and then resignation.
By the time the five minutes were up we were both exhausted.
I felt cruel.
I’m sure the many spectators on the beach that late afternoon thought I was
and I’m not sure I’ve changed anything at all by expecting her to confront her fears.
There doesn’t seem to be an easy way to do this,
which is a shame because the ocean has been such an integral part of our family’s healing
but now it’s just a stressful place to be for the girl and I.
I’m not sure what to try next
or if I should try at all
because the suggestion of the beach today has brought out the tears early this morning.
The tears and all of the same issues.
She’s just plain scared.
I miss that fearless Ivy-girl sometimes.
I miss her confidence and her sass.
I wish that things could be different for the girl who lives in her place now.
Almost every day.
Did you have any childhood phobias, or have kids with fears that went to the extreme ?
How did you work through them?
My son has a recently resolved phobia of water/swimming/drowning and lots of anxieties… It is really hard work to support someone and not push too hard or not push enough. We actually went and talked with a childhood psychologist to help him develop some strategies and let me know whether I was on the right path. We rewarded for effort, we listened about how scared he was, we refuted the worries as much as possible and gave cuddles, but did not let him miss swimming at school or at other lessons. He had lots of tears and sore tummies and poor sleeping and I felt horrid about it all.
I wish I could say that a particular thing “fixed” the phobia – but he just gradually found the joy in swimming and gradually lost the fear – only about a month ago – His teacher and I just stared at each other in shock.
My eldest daughter (8) has had phobias since being a toddler. She was terrified of the wind and is still scared of rain and storms. Although her fear seems irrational, it is very real for her. I have found that the passage of time can help…but not completely. I wish I new a better way to help. I have written about it here: http://sportymummy.blogspot.com.au/2011/12/not-storm-in-teacup.html
Oh gosh it’s hard, especially the beach being your family place of healing. I definitely agree not to push. Coco had a severe fear of water (18 months bad swimming teacher) and only a year ago at 5 started loving the water. We are still having lessons to learn to swim, she was so far behind. J is now scared of the pool dammit….
Tilly has developed a VERY bad fear of sleeping alone after going to a friends last week and watching an R RATED horror….. (holy crap, the girl took it from her brothers room, so no one’s fault really) but we are booking into a hypnotist. It got so bad she had panic attacks throughout the day (thankfully I recognised them straight away as I used to get them). we’re not fighting it yet and so she can sleep in my bed (she’s 13 1/2) until we see someone. I understand because I suffered panic attacks for years (social phobia) and the worst thing was being pushed. The best was being cuddled, told it was ok. I got through it with cognitive behavioural therapy which is definitely something you could look into. Sounds like you were doing that, but maybe if you get a plan and do absolutely baby steps, it might help. You might need a therapists help with that, or you could google (god love the internet…sometimes). But that is my suggestion at this point. Or the hypnotist, because for me that is all I have at the moment. There are no baby steps for her this early on, although thank the lord we are past daytime panic attacks….
Good luck, it’s really hard i know xx
This is really tough.
I have a phobia of rats and mice. If someone made me stand near one for 5 minutes I would be a wreck. I know it wont hurt me, that I am a million times bigger than it, I try very hard to think rationally about it but I can’t. I was once house sitting for two weeks, I saw a mouse in the downstairs laundry and could barely sleep for the rest of my stay. I also baited that house with so much rat sak that no mouse for 5 km would be alive. So I really understand having a fear that is irrational to other people.
Psychologists covering phobias/fears often use the confront tactic, eg: flying, spiders, mice and I am sure it would work if done properly under clinical conditions and using practices that are proven and reliable. But for Ivy, there has been more pain and suffering than most people in a very short period of time. Extreme pain would make her very cautious of preventing that again. Anything she relates to that pain will be fearful.
I know you want her to have the beach back, but I wouldn’t be so concerned. I would find a new choice, and after just spending a few days at Bright in Victoria and spending long sessions at the river it was wonderful. No scary waves, no sand blowing around and disappearing under your toes. The river seems more under your control. The ocean itself is a roaring beast at times, the reason many of us love it so much, but also quite scary.
A favourite book in our house right now is also LadyBug Girl Goes to the Beach. It is a story about a little girl who gets to the beach and realises she isnt all that keen on the water, she goes playing for the day with her dog and by the end of the story they have to get into the water to save their bucket and realise the water is not so scary afterall. Sometimes books can be a softer way to approach an issue.
Good luck with this one, and I am sure the beach will be all yours another day.
You all did very well. As heartbreaking as it is.
It is all about stretching their comfort zone just a little bit each time.
My boy use to be too afraid to swing. He would scream if his feet came off the ground.
But we stretched his comfort zone and now he loves it.
Just remember small, tiny steps are actually HUGE leaps for you all.
Some days it may seem like you are not getting far but then when you look back you will see how far you have actually come.
This is something we’ve dealt with A LOT. It’s not easy!
It’s really hard to know when to push and when not to push.
There’s some things in life you can simply avoid; and there are some things that are much harder to avoid. If it’s possible to avoid the fearsome thing, I’d say it’s probably better to try to have patience and wait.
Would Ivy be okay going to the beach if she knew for sure that she wouldn’t have to go near the water? If she starts to feel comfortable with that, maybe someone else in the family can retrieve water from the ocean (in a bucket) and bring it to her. She can play with the water on her own terms.
I think it’s all about taking baby steps.
But yeah. Sometimes these phobias come out of the blue; and it can be really nerve-wracking.
My older sister was afraid of water, no-one knows why, but as a child she wouldn’t go in past her knees. once she was living on her own, she avoided baths or showers for as long as she could, only having one or the other when people complained of the smell. BUT she is mentally challenged too. anyway, left to her own devices, she eventually has learned to go into the water (at the beach) as deep as her waist. Then again, she’s 63, so it’s about time.
I have no real advice about Ivy, sorry. Is it at all possible for her to stay home with a trusted carer? Until she is ready to try again?
It’s hard when she obviously can rationalise that there is nothing to be feared – panic attacks are so frightening at the time especially when you just don’t feel safe. I don’t suppose that Superhero Noah can help his twin in some special ‘twin’ way?
Hi Tiff, Long time lurker from NZ, delurking because I might have something useful to say here. I’m a clinical psychologist who works with children and families. First, you are absolutely taking the right approach but phobias are tricky things and it is difficult (as others note) for parents to find the balance between supporting/comforting your child and pushing a little. I often recommend the book ‘freeing your child from anxiety’ by Tamar Chansky to my families. It is written for parents to help their children with anxiety and is very practical and no nonsense. Might be worth a look at… all the best!
Fear of anything is so hard to overcome. It might b e helpful to bring things from the beach and let her play with them away from the actual beach. Perhaps putting sand, sea water, sea shells, and rocks in plastic box…creating a mini beach. If that’s too much…start with whatever she’s comfortable
with…just sand…or rocks…etc. Let her play with them or even just be near them for as long as she feels comfortable.
Or perhaps she could start with sand art. Then make an art piece with shells. Then play with objects from the actual beach one at a time. As a finale, she could make the beach in the box. Then place it somewhere she could view and play with regularly. Perhaps, this will help desensitize her. It might also help her figure out why she’s afraid. Maybe she’s afraid it will make her sick. Or maybe it reminds her of her illness.
I hope these suggestions are useful.
Strange & inexplicable, isn’t it? Remember a time when Noah, though a few years younger, was also afraid of the sand under his feet and the surf rolling in? Then suddenly everything changed and now he is totally fearless about both.
Maybe it’s the opposite for Ivy and she wasn’t afraid when she wasn’t able to go in the surf, even though she desperately wanted to, but now that she can, the fear of the unknown is manifesting this way. It is very hard to know what the best solution is, except to try to ally her fear and keep suggesting she give it a try.
Just thinking that possibly the sound and force of the waves is the worry and possibly a gentler scenario where there is still wave action, but not so noisy or forceful, could be a start. It could just be a matter of building Ivy’s confidence, so she can learn that she really can do it now.
I don’t think you should give up , though. Just keep on encouraging her to give it a try and slowly but surely she will want to overcome her fear herself. Ivy’s indomitable spirit will see her through this in the end. xoxo
I don’t think you are cruel. Not at all. That tight little crescent of love – Ivy will remember that you all want her to be safe, that none of you would let her be hurt. That love doesn’t go unnoticed, by anybody.
How sad that Ivy can’t relax at the ocean, at least not right now. My daughter was fearless about many things, trying to keep up with two older brothers, but she had a few irrational fears at Ivy’s age. She would not go into public bathrooms with their loud flushing noises and metal doors. She also would never go to the school nurse’s office because kids threw-up there and she was terrified to be near that kind of thing. She was so afraid of vomiting that– probably from sheer will– she refused to get that kind of sick for all her elementary school years. She gradually outgrew the fears, but it took a long time. Teachers in the hall were scary, too, after one mistook her for someone else and told her she couldn’t go find her brother because she didn’t HAVE a brother. Of course she didn’t put it all into words until much, much later. It would have been easier to comfort her at the time if we’d known why she was so frightened. Is there a chance that Ivy has seen bits of the movie Jaws? I know grown men can still be afraid of the ocean after seeing that movie at a vulnerable time in childhood. One suggestion would be a quieter, off-season beach visit with just one or two of you when the crowds aren’t there and swimming is not an option… just to enjoy the beauty of the beach with no pressure. I hope this gets better… for all of you.
I hope you will forgive me for disagreeing with you but I don’t think at Ivy’s age and with her other medical issues which she has to confront all of the time that the beach should be that big of a deal. Surely there are many other great places to go where she has a good time. in her own due time, she will confront that fear and deal with it. I think by forcing her, you are making it a bigger and scarier deal. I do say this with all due respect, and know that you, as the mom, will make the right decision.
Tiff is it possible its a sensory issue for her? My boys are all on the spectrum & all have sensory processing issues. My oldest hates brushing his teeth for example. he can’t handle it. Says it hurts.
I wonder if its more got to do with a sensory issue then a fear and she simply isn’t able to understand the difference? Is it possible that any of her treatments/medications could have made her more sensitive to course feeling of the sand & salty water?
I tend to agree with Lisa though, I wouldn’t push her. I wouldn’t let it take over & the beach become a no go zone for your family. But just let her do her thing while you are there.
My oldest again has a hard time in shopping centers. But being school holidays & living in NTH QLD were things are not open as late in the afternoons, I have to take him (and the other 4) with me to do the things I need to do in the shops. He hates it. BUT I can’t let that dictate how the rest of the family runs.
I make allowances & Im understanding of the resulting behaviors that we get. BUT He is learning that while I understand that the noise is too much & the people are stressful for him. I *need* to get some things done.
So I would possibly sit down as a family & talk about how Ivy is not enjoying the beach so much at the moment. So when you go, everyone needs to be fair. Ivy needs to be fair & let the others go & she can enjoy some colouring in (for example) on the towels (large picnic rug) while the others have their fun. But then the others also need to be fair and be ready for a shorter then usual visit to the beach.
Also, could you maybe take a little blow up pool, like a little little one. One of those baby/toddler 2 ring things with you. Don’t push her but just casually take it along, blow it up & use buckets to fill it with sea water close by to where she is set up. Then have the others collect shells or other things washed up on the beach. Or she could bring some dolls etc. She may very well come to it on her own to play with whats been found. Or she could make her own little beach for her dolls.
Social stories is another thing you could try. Again use her dolls to act out playing at the beach while you are at home. Get her enjoying what the beach is about.
Another thought… she has probably linked the stressful events that have happened with your trips to the beach. For you & the others its a time to unwind from the stressful hospital stays that have just occurred but for Ivy, it maybe a link to those events if you know what I mean. A reminder a such?
Im rambling now but I hope that helps some?
I agree Dina that knowing your limits with phobias can be difficult. I found this great website that provides great strategies on how to help overcome phobias.
http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/phobia-pho