We are getting close to discharge here.

Home for Christmas sounds really good.

Home away from all of the doctors and the nurses

and the confusing and differing opinions that drive me crazy

and while I could easily rant about this admission

instead I am going to list some of the things,

some of the pre discharge rituals that we do

to ensure we make it out of here

because I fully believe in jinxing myself.

I believe because it has happened way too often to not.

(It seems okay to write them down though. That doesn’t appear 

to encur the wrath of the jinxing gods).

So, here are my top 10

“things to do so as not to jinx yourself and prolong your stay”.

1. Make sure you send as much stuff home as you can 

but still have enough just in case. 

If you send everything  home, you will jinx yourself

and make your husband cranky because he has to make the hour long trek 

back into the hospital with more supplies.

2. You can pack all of your toiletries away 

on the day that you believe you are going home but whatever you do 

don’t  throw away the soap. 

*Never* throw away the soap.

Discarding soap before discharge will add days to your stay.

3. It’s basically the same with the sheets. 

You can pack up your bedding 

but if you put it in the skip expect the doctor to add more time 

to your sentence. 

4. Never tell anyone you are being discharged. 

Even if you believe it to be true.

In fact, do not even utter the word until you are walking out the door.

5. Fill in the menu for the following two days. 

This will ensure you are not in the hospital. 

If you do not do this, you will instantly be jinxed 

and your daughter will have to eat food that the kitchen chooses for her.

She will not be impressed.

6. Do have thank you chockies and cards ready 

but don’t write on the cards until the last minute.

Writing on the cards too early *will* cause a delay in your discharge.

It just will, okay.

7. Do not joke with the nurses or the cleaner (friend) 

that you love the ward and them so much and that is why you are in - 

because you’ve missed them: instant jinxing. 

8. If you mention home, going home, discharge or the word release 

to the small girl,

or make any plans at all,

expect to have to then turn around 

and tell her that the paed has changed his mind.

9. Never say that the girl looks good 

and if those thoughts enter your mind find some wood  as fast as you can

and touch it repeatedly

and number 10: never ever say that you hope this 

will be the last admission for a long time 

because that will either see you jinxed immediately 

or within days of your getting out.

Always remember the universe has a very strange sense of humour.