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Archive for October 2011

Yesterday, my boy.

 

It only seems like yesterday that I dreamt of you, my boy

yesterday that I knew that you were coming

and wondered about your features,

your smile,

your laugh.

It only seems like yesterday that you were here

and then gone again.

As fleeting as a butterfly on broken wings,

you disappeared.

 

Where do butterflies go to die?

I don’t know.

You never see them like that.

They are one day a thing of beauty and wonderment

and then they are not.

 

I cry for your yesterdays

and I’ll cry  your never to be  tomorrows,

until I am no more.

I said I would never forget

but I did.

I did forget the little things

like your smell and your warmth

and the softness of your skin.

I forget your weight in my arms.

I hate that I can’t remember.

I look at the photos and think,

yes, I was there.

It did happen.

You were real

but my head struggles to recall how beautiful you were,

how I felt when you were here.

All I know for sure is that it still hurts.

 

Most days it’s silent grief now

but it’s there, sweet boy.

It is.

The tears leak slowly,

find me

hold me

but they’re not allowed to escape like they were

when it was all so raw.

I push them away

I push you away

and I’m sorry for that.

 

Today is an allowed day though

and so I’ll remember you, my son.

I’ll think of your hair – I remember it was whispy

and of your hands curled into mine

and how much love you brought with you into this world -

just like it was yesterday.

Today is remembrance day for all babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death.

Lighting a candle for all of the angels

and remembering my own.

Things I know.

It’s been a big week.

I know that.


I know that things have not gone to plan but that’s okay.

Today is a new day and Ivy is home from the hospital and getting better.

I know I have so much to do, so much to catch up on

like editing photos

(I know I love photos of hands – they tell such a story)

 

instead, I am going down to Canberra on Saturday for the launch of this:

One of my stories is in there

and it really is very exciting when you see your words and your name in print.

I hope this book helps others somehow, through the grief of miscarriage.

Sometimes knowing others have been through a similar situation makes you feel less alone.

 

I know that I almost spat my tea out while talking to my mum today,

about this last hospital admission.

Mum asked over the phone about the paediatrician’s role in it.

“How was the paed?” I repeated out loud

to which Ivy said, without missing a beat “he was fabulous.”

It doesn’t take much to restore the faith of a small girl

but she was pretty spot on.

I was very appreciative of all that he did for Ivy this last week gone.

He did right by my girl.

 

I am thankful for the connection of others when there was bad news, sad news and scary news

and grateful for my family for picking up my slack at home

and I know I am thankful for friends who help to share Ivy’s story and promote blood donation too.

We are very lucky indeed to have people who are willing to help

and to donate.

I am thankful for friends who drive long distances to come and see us,

for good conversation

and for hidden gifts that are found right when you need them.

I know that taking photos of my kids is healing for my soul

and that I missed them

and their father

and that I am happiest when I’m enveloped in the noise and mess of home.

 

What do you know today?

Joining in with Shae this week.

 

Not the wordless Wednesday post I had planned.

Last week, after IVIG, Ivy started to cough.

I didn’t think much of it.

The boys and David had all been coughing,

so it wasn’t totally unexpected when the girl came down with it too.

The only thing is that instead of getting better she got worse

and by Friday she was struggling with ongoing fevers 

and difficulties breathing.

We couldn’t get hold of the paed ( let’s face it, I didn’t try very hard)

but I knew by Monday that Ivy was losing ground,

I’d done everything I could for her

and that someone needed to see her.

Of course I’d pushed her just that little bit too far

and the paed, when he saw her, sent her to the hospital.

(Do not pass  go, do not collect $200).

Don’t ask me how I feel about us  being here.

I think the universe is trying to tell me that I should just live and let live

and now, four weeks after the last horrible mess,

I am being pushed into moving forward, for the sake of the girl.

I can’t say that I feel comfortable here, despite the paed’s reassurances 

that he will be looking after Ivy, solo.

Luckily this looks to be viral 

and all Ivy will need is a couple of days to cover her with fluids and 

hydrocortisone 

and antibiotics (just in case) while her little body picks up the  slack.

I wish I’d have done something sooner

because the girl had her first comfortable night in over a week.

While we were in his rooms though, the paed noticed two lumps,

which were red and raised around where the Hickman’s line was.

He didn’t know what to make of them but said he was worried about them.

Can I tell you that the paed is an eternal optimist and not easily ruffled

so when he said he had concerns

my internal alarm bells started ringing.

I’m hoping it’s scar tissue or a late onset haematoma.

Although, it seems late in the game for that.

He’s pondering if these had anything to do with the last big septic event

and they are just making themselves known now.

Whatever they are

she’s having an ultrasound today

so we’ll know soon enough.

I’m trying very hard to stay level headed.

Beautiful Ivy, 

always throwing us her best curve balls,

so, of course there is more -

the final news of the day;

her limp.

The X-ray showed arthritis.

Sports for Schools.

 

Last year both of the schools that the kids go to participated in the Coles Sports for Schools program.

For our little public school, it was a great success

and they were able to secure much needed sports equipment,

thanks to Coles’ initiative,

so when it came around again this year, we started collecting our vouchers.

Something like the Sports for Schools program is a huge opportunity

for any school

but especially for the smaller country areas,

where funding can sometimes be a little hit and miss.

All of the kids love sport.

AJ is a footballer and the girls all play hockey, while Mal and the littlies love to play around in the back yard.

As with many large families, we tend to spend a fair amount of money on groceries.

I love that Coles is trying to give something back to the communities and that,

by our shopping with them, we are giving back too.

Ivy and Noah had not participated before

and so we explained to them how it worked

but then we thought

what better way than to take them through the process from start to finish.

 

Ivy and Noah like to help with the shopping.

Okay, mostly Ivy

but Noah likes to think he is helping, in his own boy way.

This often means asking every five seconds if he can go and check out the toys

or placing random things that he likes into the trolley

when he thinks nobody is looking

*cough* matchbox cars *cough*


but some days, he will have a good crack at it.

I think of it all as training.

His partner will thank me one day.

 

Anyway,

on this day we needed to get some fruit and vegies

and also ingredients to make ‘Mum’s Special Spaghetti Bolognese’.

This spag bol was my mum’s recipe and it was one of the first things I learnt to cook.

I’ve adapted it so I can feed everyone, so it’s evolved a bit

and the sauce is gluten free

but the kids love it

and it can be ‘matured’ with parmesan cheese

and sometimes we add avocado in there too for the adults in the house.

I might put the recipe up here if you’re interested.

Maybe I’ll do it anyway.

 

First things first;

 

We hopped online and had a look at the  Sports For Schools website

and we talked about all of the great equipment their school already has

and told them that some of it had come from the Coles Sports for Schools program last year.

Lily was in year six then, so they remembered the vouchers she collected.

 

 

Then we went shopping.

Taking (almost) six year olds shopping can be interesting.

Especially with Noah, who is a motor mouth at the best of times.

How many times can you tell someone that you are shopping

for “school vouchers”?

A lot.

Apparently.

Noah was particularly interested in the process

and loved the idea of commodity and barter.

He is definitely David’s boy.

I struggled with basic economics when I was in high school,

so to have a kid like Noah who understands those concepts now

wigs me out just a little.

Usually, when I do the grocery shopping I wander up and down each aisle.

Dave has a more efficient way of doing things.

He has a list.

We stay in one place.

The kids buddy up,

Dave gives them a couple of things to get,

says go

and off they go.

It works surprisingly well.

While they are choosing their products,

Dave and I will usually do the fruit and vegetables.

The trolley fills quickly and shopping time is limited.

 

We also have a system at the checkout,

Where one of the older kids will go and get another trolley,

Dave and I will stack things onto the conveyer belt

(with Ivy and Noah’s help, of course).

 

The other kids start putting the bagged groceries into the trolley at the other end.

Again, it works really well.

Everyone has a job.

 

This was Ivy and Noah’s favourite part – collecting the vouchers.

For every $10 spent you get one voucher.

Coles has days too, where you buy certain products and it doubles your voucher allowance.

Noah counted and recounted the vouchers all the way home.

 

The next day, we bundled up all of the vouchers up that we’d collected

and took them to the school.

The big kids took some to the high school too, which is also participating.

We talked to the teacher who was co – ordinating the initiative about what the school was hoping for,

how they were going with their tally and talked about what was on the wish list .

Last year the school collected around 20,000 points and are on par to earn that many again this year,

although the co – ordinating teacher is hoping to surpass that.

She mentioned that they had their eye on some of the bigger items this year like balance beams and netting for soccer

but that the children are encouraged to look through the catalogue that Coles provides and place the items they like onto the wish list.

She also talked to Ivy and Noah about some of the gear they received last year.

This included balls, tee ball sets and cricket sets.

 

 

I thought it was a good way to teach Ivy and Noah about philanthropy

and helping other people as well as doing something good for our community.

Coles has found an effective way of helping our schools.

Every little bit counts and we were happy to be a part of it.

 

 

 

Does your school participate in the Sports For Schools program ?

Do they have a wish list this year?

 

Please note: this post is sponsored by Coles and the Sports for Schools initiative.

Even though we were gifted some sports equipment and a Coles gift voucher and paymet for this post, our family already supported the program, regardless.

All ideas and opinions expressed in this post are mine.