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Archive for January 2011

Not okay

When she’s bleeding from the port site for no known reason

it’s not okay.

When she has to be reaccessed five times without numbing cream,

just over a week after the last traumatic event

and a regular Saturday morning takes on a nightmarish quality in a matter

of minutes

it’s not okay.

She’s not okay

and I am certainly not either.

It’s not fun to hold my child down and beg her to breathe

to try to teach her about adrenaline and endorphins

and how getting uptight will make her pain worse.

When I have to look her in the eyes and tell her it will all be over soon

and I know that is the world’s biggest lie

it’s not right.

It’s not right that any parent should have to do this

or any child.

It hurts.

When I feel as though I can’t do anything right,

always second guessing myself,

attacked from every angle.

When all I want to do is hug her tight

and run;

run as far as I can

how did you think I would react?

It’s not okay.

None of it is

especially when she comes to me at bedtime

and looks at me with her ashen face

and that worried little look

and tells me

it’s bleeding again.

Australia Day.

austdayweb

I love Australia.

I love its people

and I love that we celebrate that.

There,

I said it.

For years I felt embarrassed that I celebrated ‘invasion day’.

Oh, don’t get me wrong.

I understand that the generations that have gone before us have made terrible mistakes

and that we still have alot to answer for

but for me

Australia Day is celebrating

all that is good about us

and I do mean all of us

because what is really amazing about Australia

is that we are a multicultural land.

Right from the very beginning, when indigenous met the original ‘boat people’,

we have come from all walks of life.

Yesterday we went out and celebrated

with everyone else.

We bought our Aussie flags

and walked along the waters edge.

We watched a celebration of Hinduism and talked about Indian culture and meditation.

We listened to beautiful music sung in Spanish and watched as the Irish dancers jigged.

We had Thai satay, hot chips and tomato sauce and Chinese Spring rolls for lunch

and backed that up with Baclava, a recipe that originated from Greece, for dessert.

We listened to a Scottish bagpipe group and a marching band

and we watched an indigenous story being played out through music and dance.

We celebrated all that was wonderful about our local area too,

with tugboat ballet,

young Australian performers

and the sad, scary, wonderful, amazing tapestry of our past.

It was hot and crowded and messy.

It was a total mix of humanity,

it was lovely

and at the end of the day

when we all returned home,

a little bit sunburnt and tired

I thought about my country and everything that it is

and what I wanted to teach my children.

I want them to know about making mistakes

and about forgiveness.

I want them to see that we are all just people

and that it doesn’t matter what the colour of our skin is

or the cultures and the traditions that we uphold -

we are all in it together,

in this crazy mish mash of a world.

We are all important -

The elderly,

the working, the not working, the studying, the homeless,

the stay at home parents, the people who are struggling

the notable and the everyday heroes

and the young.

We all matter

and

if my kids can see that,

know it in their hearts

then that is most definitely worth celebrating.

Confronting

confrontingweb

I consented to that.
I consented to the bleeding that was hard to control
and the bruising that reaches all the way to the centre of her chest and underneath her arm.
I consented.
My signature led to this and the uncontrolled pain that required morphine.
She may never be the same
and neither might I.

Scheduled for 09:30hrs

midnight

It’s not that I’m not grateful.

It’s just

the speed that things change.

Suddenly we are moving forward again.

Tomorrow Ivy will lose her ill fated, phlebitis inducing PICC line

and a new port will go in.

Nil by mouth from midnight,

to be at the hospital by seven,

scheduled to be operated on at 09:30 hrs.

There’s not much I can say.

Most of you have done this worry, wait, worry thing with me twice before

and tomorrow will be no different.

I will pace and cry

and the girl will be amazing.

See you on the flip side, I guess.

gonesml