Archive for January 2011
Not okay
When she’s bleeding from the port site for no known reason
it’s not okay.
When she has to be reaccessed five times without numbing cream,
just over a week after the last traumatic event
and a regular Saturday morning takes on a nightmarish quality in a matter
of minutes
it’s not okay.
She’s not okay
and I am certainly not either.
It’s not fun to hold my child down and beg her to breathe
to try to teach her about adrenaline and endorphins
and how getting uptight will make her pain worse.
When I have to look her in the eyes and tell her it will all be over soon
and I know that is the world’s biggest lie
it’s not right.
It’s not right that any parent should have to do this
or any child.
It hurts.
When I feel as though I can’t do anything right,
always second guessing myself,
attacked from every angle.
When all I want to do is hug her tight
and run;
run as far as I can
how did you think I would react?
It’s not okay.
None of it is
especially when she comes to me at bedtime
and looks at me with her ashen face
and that worried little look
and tells me
it’s bleeding again.
Australia Day.

I love Australia.
I love its people
and I love that we celebrate that.
There,
I said it.
For years I felt embarrassed that I celebrated ‘invasion day’.
Oh, don’t get me wrong.
I understand that the generations that have gone before us have made terrible mistakes
and that we still have alot to answer for
but for me
Australia Day is celebrating
all that is good about us
and I do mean all of us
because what is really amazing about Australia
is that we are a multicultural land.
Right from the very beginning, when indigenous met the original ‘boat people’,
we have come from all walks of life.
Yesterday we went out and celebrated
with everyone else.
We bought our Aussie flags
and walked along the waters edge.
We watched a celebration of Hinduism and talked about Indian culture and meditation.
We listened to beautiful music sung in Spanish and watched as the Irish dancers jigged.
We had Thai satay, hot chips and tomato sauce and Chinese Spring rolls for lunch
and backed that up with Baclava, a recipe that originated from Greece, for dessert.
We listened to a Scottish bagpipe group and a marching band
and we watched an indigenous story being played out through music and dance.
We celebrated all that was wonderful about our local area too,
with tugboat ballet,
young Australian performers
and the sad, scary, wonderful, amazing tapestry of our past.
It was hot and crowded and messy.
It was a total mix of humanity,
it was lovely
and at the end of the day
when we all returned home,
a little bit sunburnt and tired
I thought about my country and everything that it is
and what I wanted to teach my children.
I want them to know about making mistakes
and about forgiveness.
I want them to see that we are all just people
and that it doesn’t matter what the colour of our skin is
or the cultures and the traditions that we uphold -
we are all in it together,
in this crazy mish mash of a world.
We are all important -
The elderly,
the working, the not working, the studying, the homeless,
the stay at home parents, the people who are struggling
the notable and the everyday heroes
and the young.
We all matter
and
if my kids can see that,
know it in their hearts
then that is most definitely worth celebrating.
Scheduled for 09:30hrs

It’s not that I’m not grateful.
It’s just
the speed that things change.
Suddenly we are moving forward again.
Tomorrow Ivy will lose her ill fated, phlebitis inducing PICC line
and a new port will go in.
Nil by mouth from midnight,
to be at the hospital by seven,
scheduled to be operated on at 09:30 hrs.
There’s not much I can say.
Most of you have done this worry, wait, worry thing with me twice before
and tomorrow will be no different.
I will pace and cry
and the girl will be amazing.
See you on the flip side, I guess.















