Emotional, irrational.
Word came down this morning,
through the forest of doctors,
that Ivy and I would be staying here over the weekend and probably
Monday too.
It has to do with the number of days of antibiotics she’ll need in order to
give the port the best chance of being saved.
Ivy is better in herself
and I have cabin fever.
She is playing with dolls and drawing and generally enjoying her days
so it’s kind of frustrating that we are still here.
Frustrating for us
but also frustrating for others, who are finding it hard to understand why
a well child is being kept in the hospital.
It brings up all kinds of emotions for me.
For one, I feel as though we are some kind of burden on the staff,
on the hospital
and on our system.
I feel cranky that people are judgemental towards the length of our stay
but
I kind of feel some strange sense of relief as well.
If Im totally honest with myself -
I’m scared.
When we go home, I will be responsible for Ivy’s medications.
I will be responsible for that port.
It will be up to me to make sure that we avoid another infection,
another septic event.
What if it happens again?
The doctors tell me, after having one event, it’s more likely.
That is enough to make me want to wrap her up in cotton wool for the rest of
her life.
Then there is the overwhelming guilt.
You see, I was the one, who put the heparin lock through the port, that day.
I was the one that de – accessed her.
It set off a process that ultimately ended in that scary septic shower.
I know, I know, there was nothing I could have done differently.
It was a build up of bugs inside the port, that I had no idea were there
and when I pushed the lock in, some made their way into her blood stream.
Knowing all of that doesn’t take any of those feelings away.
They are so emotional, these hospital stays.
Looking after Ivy’s health feels so overwhelming sometimes.
I know (think) I will be okay but just for today,
my feelings and my sensibility seem incompatible.
It’s not your fault …I’m sorry you have to stay even if it is for the best. (hugs) you do an mazing job looking after Ivy no one can blame you.xoxo
((((giant big hugs))))
You know where I am if you need an email vent, okay? Hehe.
xx
I had the terrible feeling that you were blaming yourself for this episode, but what if the “out & about” service had been administering access to Ivy’s port instead, when this happened. If you think about it, in that case, it may well have happened a whole lot sooner ,if they were coming from the hospital where bacteria abounds. It’s no-one’s fault really, especially when the resident bacteria quite likely originated from the hospital. You did, have done and are doing the very best you can with Ivy’s care and no-one, including those doctors & least of all Ivy, can dispute that. If it means staying there for the full course of IV antibiotics, so be it, even if Ivy has recovered. Better to be safe than sorry and prevent as well as cure. Ivy trusts you explicitly and without question above all others with her care, so dismiss all thoughts of self doubt. No-one can do anything for Ivy any better than you can. This we know. xoxo
I miss you and I wish I could be there so we could talk it over. Hugs.
you have every reason to feel the way you do.
massive hugs and love
Of course it wasn’t your fault. These things happen. To anyone, anywhere.
Reread what “Mum” said.
It’s hard enough to cope at the best of times when logic and emotions collide (happens to me ALL the time!) but when you are stressed, tired, worried, run down….. it must be a million times harder. Be gentle on yourself and try to remember all the wonderful good you do every single day, all the positives, all the times you get it right, and especially how much you are loved… by so many people… no matter what.
OH, I’ve just been catching up on your last week. Anpther bad time for yuo but I’m so glad there have been happy times in there to tell us of. The Gruffalo for Ivy and the nerdy pics of the others, I’m so glad for your smiles -you are supermum, don’t doubt it.
thinking of you all and sending hugs.
I have a candle lit for you and Ivy on my Kwan Yin altar (she is the Goddess of mothers and children). I hope that is ok with you.
*hugs*
Oh darl – when visiting my sister when her boy was in hospital, I created the tidiest playrooms in Brisbane Hospitals imaginable – I even married all videos with cases (and in some cases alphabetised them and placed them in appropriate age groups)…
And that was just visiting. Lots of hugs in the next few days – and if were closer (and not dealing with mystery allergy or baby) I would be there in a shot to give you a few hours if possible.
HUG
(((hugs))) I wish I could do something to help. Extending the email vent option of Veronica’s to me too, and sending lots of love and get well vibes to Ivy. xxx
Hugs we are thinking of you. You do a fantastic job, your love and care of Ivy and all your children is so obvious. Dont doubt yourself.
Welcome to the human condition, my love. {{{hugs}}}
You are doing an incredible job and being an unbelievable, amazing mom in extremely difficult circumstances. Hang in there Tiff…day by day.
Easy to blame yourself but mum is right. Could have been anyone. hugs dear Tiff