Yesterday we made our way down to Silk Studios to record the segment with The Australian Red Cross Blood Service and Glenn Wheeler about blood donation.

It is going to be aired on The Morning Show soon.

I’m not sure when.

They’ll need time to edit all of my stuttering gibberish out.

Anyhow,

when I know, you’ll know because

it was the singularly most terrifying thing I have done in forever

but

it was also heaps of fun!

When we arrived at the studios we met with Lisa from the Red Cross and a girl, who Ivy deemed ‘very beautiful’ (she was too)

met us at reception and took us through for make - up and hair.

As we walked through the corridor we met Glenn, who charmed Ivy straight away

by giving her a balloon

oh,

and kissing her hand

which in Ivy’s world is just the most romantic thing any man could possibly do.

Trust me  on this.

Remember, this girl of mine totally believes that she is a fairy mermaid princess

and FMPs have their hands loved on.

They just do.

It was love (move over paed).

Make up followed.

Ivy was in her element and, just like everyone we had already met, the make up lady was lovely.

She spent time making Ivy feel comfortable and then powdered her little face and gave her some lip gloss.

The girl was so happy.

Then it was my turn.

Yeah, she had to work alot harder to bring me up to TV standards.

While I was getting ready, Glenn took Dave and Ivy onto the set so Ivy could get used to being in front of the cameras.

It didn’t take long.

My girl, the  TV star.

We all went and got dressed and waited while they set all of the cameras up.

Then we were invited onto set for sound check and rehearsal.

That lovely lady in purple, that’s Janine, she was uber skilled in reading from the tele prompter and so confident.

Me,

not so much.

No, really.

All the takes we had to do were because I stuffed up.

Okay, there was one in there that was due to technical difficulties ( I quietly think that was just the team saying, in a nice way, I’d done it wrong again).

Ivy was awesome.

Everyone was joking around, laughing and it really helped to calm us all down.

Glenn asked Ivy to give him a thumbs up or down after each take

and at one stage pretended to sulk because Ivy had cheekily gestured with a thumbs down.

The whole thing will only run for about four minutes but apparently will go to air several times over the next few months.

It was an amazing experience.

We wrapped up and had some photos with Mr Wheeler

(who I think was just a little bit taken by the girl too).

It will be something that I think Ivy will remember for a very long time.

While I have been off my game of late

and ignoring the world at large

good things have continued to happen

brightening each day.

Team Ivy has had $3740 donated, by all of you, to help the ward that Ivy stays in.

I’ve heard that some of the beds are on order now, there is talk of a fridge

and there is discussion that some of the  money raised by Team Ivy will go towards a ‘distraction box’.

This is a form of  play therapy for children when they have to undergo any distressing procedures,

like cannulation and the taking of blood.

I’m really happy about that

and I am so thankful for all of you, for making it happen.

Last week Nuffnang Australia came on board to help us reach our goal.

They have challenged the online community to bring the total to $4500

and then they will donate the last $500!

They have not asked for anything, they just want to help.

It was the gorgeous Brenda who suggested the idea.

Once again, leaving me in awe of the power of the internet and the people I have met through this medium.

+++

I had the pleasure of talking on the radio last week with Carol Duncan,

ABC Newcastle radio presenter, new found friend and just a lovely person all round.

It was the highlight of my day.

The beauty of the interview was that it made me think long and hard about what it meant to be Ivy’s Mum

and it also paved the way for good communication with Ivy’s doctor.

+++

Another really wonderful thing that happened for me is the release of this book:

Published by Karen at Miscellaneous Press, it is a collection of  Australian blog posts and it has been getting some really good reviews since its release at the beginning of April.

I’m a part of that!

I have a piece of my work published, amongst many well known Australian authors, my little story is there.

The absolute cracker is that front cover photo -

it’s mine.

+++

Tomorrow Ivy and I are going to be on TV.

That is to say, tomorrow we are recording a piece on blood donation, to be played on The Morning Show

I’ll have to let you know the day it will air.

I’ve been busy trying to work out what to wear

and there is a long list of things I can’t wear, which cancels out just about all of my wardrobe.

Ivy is as cool as a cucumber about it and lets face it, she is the talent here.

All I can say, at this stage, is thank goodness for pre record because I’m nervous

and when I’m nervous I tend to rabbit on about inconsequential things

and we all know that tangentiality is a specialty of mine.

Wish us luck, actually, wish me luck because Ivy doesn’t need it, she’s a natural.

“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life’s pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.” -  Joseph Addison

The theme at I heart faces is smile.

*squee!*

The last few weeks I have been feeling a mixture of emotions.

Out of control,

sad,

anxious,

scared.

Did I mention angry

because mostly I have felt that.

Anger.

With everything and everyone.

I’ve been hiding,

not seeing people,

ignoring life.

I don’t want to go anywhere,

do anything,

blog

take photos.

I just want the world to stop.

I’m  burnt out to the point of wanting to crawl into my bed and not come out for a very long time

and tonight I just want to cry.

My eyes are leaking over the smallest things and I’ve got that lump,

you know the one you get,

when you try to push the sadness down and it balls up in your throat like hot acid.

I don’t know why I’ve been feeling like this,

not really.

Usually, when there has been a period of sickness with Ivy, I fall in a bit of a heap

but nothing like this.

I’ve been thinking about things and how Ivy’s illness is going to be this life long process,

how tired I am after almost four years of this constant chipping away at my heartstrings,

how I don’t know if I will ever feel like myself again.

I’ve been thinking how unfair it all is, for Ivy

but also for the rest of us because the last six years have not been easy at all.

I’ve been thinking about the doctors and the hospital and all the specialists and how much I hate all the differing opinions and all the unanswered questions

and I’ve been thinking about how absolutely stressed I feel when I cannot control the outcome of our situation.

Lately I have been mourning my loss of normality.

I can’t cope with things the way they are anymore.

Today though, it hit me.

I can’t change this.

Ivy will be dealing with this for the rest of her life.

The paed is never going to be who I want him to be.

There is going to be this grieving process going on

and it is hard.

I can’t change this

but

I can change me.

I can find a new way to deal with all of this.

I can find a way to cope, to move through the sense of hopelessness.

Wednesdays are notoriously terrible.

Ballet sees us out the door early and after that we go straight to the hospital.

I generally leave Noah with Mum or Dave, if he can get the time off

so I’m missing him.

It’s access day

and usually we have some other kind of doctor visit tucked in there too.

Today was a string of long appointments, port access and then the topper

was an appointment with Ivy’s paed,

who I have been channeling my anger into for quite a few weeks now

and today was no different.

Ivy was amazing.

She moved from place to place with a grace I certainly could not muster.

I was angry and she was…

she was Ivy.

On the way home, I was driving, lost in thought

and suddenly her little voice broke through;

she was singing.

I wondered how she could be singing, how she could be so carefree after the port change, after the three other meetings, reviews and such

and so I asked her.

Her answer was music to my ears.

” Today I went to ballet, you put the needle in, Mummy and you didn’t cry this time. I got to see (two of my favourite nurses) in the hospital and I got to see (the paed). It was a good day.”

I’m not saying I’m okay.

Not yet

but I do know

I am going to try to be more like my daughter.

I am going to try to make lemonade.

I am going to find that reason to sing.