This blog has gotten me into all sorts of trouble lately.

Apparently,

I say too much,

or not enough,

to the wrong people

who are really the right ones.

I’m too selfish,

I feel sorry for myself too often,

I talk too much about Ivy,

not enough about Ivy

and not enough about the boys

or the girls

or my husband

According to some,

‘nobody’ wants to hear about my low points

but ‘nobody’ wants to hear about my good times either.

I’m not allowed to form an opinion on the medical system,

the doctors

or on anything, really.

I am being inconsiderate, if I do.

I started blogging because I felt alone.

I continued because I liked the feeling that somebody was out there and cared enough to comment,

to take an interest in me and my thoughts

but I was never ready for the negativity.

It was not something I factored into keeping a blog

and I wonder why I’m still going somedays – although I have no plans to stop.

I find myself censoring my posts more and more.

Keeping it real just seems too much for some people

and so

instead of writing about grief

instead of writing about illness

and worry

and doctors who totally let us down

I try to sugar coat it.

It’s my space.

I know it

but

I can’t deal with people hating me

just because I write my feelings into a post.

I’m not coping with the meanness.

Today I’m angry though,

angry that I have let some judgmental people get in the way of

what is essentially

therapy for me.

So, for the record;

Ivy is sick.

Our doctor let us down

again

My father has been dead for four years tomorrow.

AJ broke his finger and can’t play for the representative team this year.

Noah had tonsillitis but he’s good now.

He really is.

It’s coming up to William’s birthday and anniversary and I find myself teary and self absorbed some days

and angry with myself most others for still being teary and self absorbed six years on.

I’ve put on heaps of weight as I try to take in more red meat so I can get my iron levels up, so I can go back to donating blood

and I hate it.

I  got my hair cut short, because I can’t deal with long hair and another hospital stint (and it’s coming, oh yes it is).

After 24 hours of short hair, I want my long hair back.

I can be selfish

and I do feel sorry for myself sometimes (I’m only human)

and I probably will write about any or all of these things, if I want to,

at some time in the near future.

Make of it what you will.