I’m not sure what I’m doing

or why I am hanging onto a doctor who clearly does not want to be Ivy’s anymore.

For a long time, he has been the go to guy.

When things get bad and out of control, I have always looked to him to help make decisions

but now

he doesn’t want to.

He wants other specialists to make decisions,

that I think are his

(and those specialists don’t think they should have to decide either).

Ivy is being passed like a hot potato between doctors,

with no change in a treatment that is going absolutely nowhere.

He has never been great at helping when Ivy is acutely unwell

but for the last six months he has been worse than usual.

I feel like I have made allowances

because he’s young, with little children of his own, with a new business

and he’s popular,

he’s so popular

and run off his feet with all of the patients he sees and his on call duties for two hospitals

but

when all is said and done

this is my baby girl -

I want the best for her

and I’m not sure that he is what’s best for Ivy any more.

The thing is this;

he has known Ivy since she was six months old

he knows everything about her, inside and out

and to start again

is just

so

scary.

Aside from that,

I’m not even sure that there is anyone else.

Every other paed we have crossed paths with seems very…

overwhelmed

by Ivy’s complexities.

I’d like to sit down and talk with the paed, address the issues so we can move forward

or move on

but I’m certainly not a confident person when it comes to confrontation

and

he’s booked out until September.