Chance.
When I was pregnant with William, I was frightened.
Not of having a baby -
more of having a baby boy.
I struggled to get my head around it.
As much as David wanted to have a boy, I was very happy raising girls.
I knew my fear stemmed from having a wild, rough and often abusive brother
and of course a wild, rough and abusive father too.
I knew it but I didn’t figure it out until I was about 36 weeks pregnant.
When he was born
everything changed .
I didn’t care anymore because I was sure that this sweet little boy was more David and less…
well, less of me.
I loved him every bit as much as I loved the girls
and then everything changed again
because Will died
and I never got to find out what it would be like to have him as my boy.
The guilt of fearing that son in the first place often had me at the very edge of life and death in that first year.
I blamed myself,
totally.
Finally pregnant again, I willed my body to be carrying at least one boy of the two babies that were growing inside me
and
about six months after that
I got to meet him.
We called him Noah because it meant peace (and because it was the only name that Dave and I could agree on).
I was hopeful that he was my second chance
and I almost blew it in that very first week.
I walked into the NICU,
it had been a very bad day for Noah
and he was struggling
as most 30 weekers do
but in that instant
in exactly the same nook
in exactly the same NICU
I couldn’t see Noah
as
Noah
I could only see that sweet little baby
as his brother.
I’m ashamed to say
I walked out of that unit
and didn’t go back for a week.
A whole week.
I mean,
I went there,
I took the kids to see them with David
but when it came time to step through those doors
I couldn’t do it.
I went and expressed like a mad woman
and cried
and lamented to the wooden sculpture of a mother protectively encompassing her newborn child, just outside the one place I needed to be more than anywhere else.
Everyone was so patient with me
and I tried
oh, how I tried
but I would always be left at those double doors a quivering, horrible mess
until
my midwife and friend
told me to pull myself together and see Noah for what he was;
a beautiful new lifeforce
and so I was allowed a third chance.
He’ been such an easy baby to love.
He’s easy going;
happy
but somewhere along the way
we have moved apart.
I think it has alot to do with my not being at home much over the last four years,
spending so much time in the hospital with his sister
or maybe he just relates better to everyone else in the house
or maybe I have silently pushed him away because he is a boy
or because I am protecting my heart
or maybe it’s because boys are different from girls, in the way they show their affection
I’m not sure.
I love him more than life itself
but his preference is for his father
or Maddy.
I could sit here and write that I am okay with that.
I don’t want forced relationships with my kids.
Time with children is so fleeting
before they are suddenly independent
and you find yourself having to untie the apron strings.
I want them to feel happy, secure, loved
but not obliged.
So,
I could sit here and say that I’m happy to wait for the moments.
Happy to take what I can get and hold those memories close to my heart
but
I’d be lying.
I want him to want me first.
I want him to miss me when I’m gone, more than he misses the car that I take.
I want people to remark on the bond that we have,
the way they do when they see he and David together.
I don’t want all of it.
I can share.
Perhaps I’m too late though.
Perhaps his little soul cannot forgive me
for not seeing his beauty,
his light
when I should have.
Even though I have no plans to stop connecting with my boy
it leaves me wondering;
maybe there are no more chances.
Ahh Tiff,
The doubts they tend to consume.
Consider Noah and tie those heart strings with him. You’ll never ever regret it!
Just tonight I took my oldest little guy with me to get groceries. After everyone else was tucked in to bed – not a date exactly, but just me and him – grocery shopping! You’d think it was something really special because he had mom all to himself.
I think he stood two inches taller tonight.
It made me want to reach out to him more.
Sometimes it’s hard, but it is childish to wait for our children to reach out to us the way we want them to.
And you have ALWAYS another opportunity. Seize it my friend!
I’ll be praying for you:-)
Love,
Analene
I verily belive children are born *as who they are*. We can mould them and we can shape them, advise them, love them, cuddle them .. but in the end they are born a person foremost. Formed. With preferences. For breast, for broccoli, for no, for yes, for levels of cleanliness.
Some will love you regardless of flaws, some will judge.
People are people.
You’ve seen it yourself. Same parents, different kids.
They are who they are. The impact of life makes one stronger, or weaker. People lay blame, people appraise experience with making them stronger.
It’s just life.
You can only guide the personality you’ve delivered, and hope & pray for the best.
It doesn’t make you any less a person, any less a mother.
xx
Ok. First of all, stop being so rough on yourself. The massive weight of all of these experiences is a lot to bear. Be kind to yourself. You have done the very best that you have been able to do in each moment. Even when you weren’t able to be next to him you made sure he had your milk to sustain him. You gave him what you had to give at that moment. You have to stop beating yourself up about the rest. Second. I know this is different but when my 4yo boy gained a little sister he became far more attached to his older siblings and his dad than to me. A situation that persists 18 months on. It hurts. I know it hurts but I know that the special relationship he has with them has been able to be more constant for him than I have been for various reasons and I am thankful that he has that. I wish I had it with him too. I take whatever he’ll give me and cling to it but I know that I can’t be all things to all people and in this instance I have to trust that as we go on and his needs change our relationship will strengthen and grow.
Feel better. You’re a wonderful Mum. Be kind to yourself.
Oh Tiff. I wish there were more words, something to make it better, easier. But there aren’t and I can’t.
I am pretty sure though, that at age 4 years, you are not out of chances. Not by a long shot.
Things change. Their preferences change. And you are a wonderful mother. I think you are doing an amazing job in what seems to me sometimes, an impossible situation.
YOU are a wonderful mother,
HE is a wonderful boy.
Your paths will cross more closely soon.
be kind to yourself Tiff………….you are doing a fabulous job under extreme circumstances.
The fact that you have written this means that you have got a connection with him, and you do see his beautiful soul
He knows that you are helping his twin, and I’m sure he loves you more for that than he can possibly express. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Oh, oh oh. My heart hurts reading this. Everyone above telling you not to be hard on yourself, and that there are more chances, is, of course, quite right and to be listened to; but I think I catch a glimpse of the feeling you’re expressing here and it’s not amenable to being charmed away with reason. I can hear my mother’s voice lamenting the bond she thought she’d lost with me due to – so like you – having to spend so many many hours away in hospital with the sick child (my middle brother). I, the eldest, became self-contained and very attached to my aunties and my father, and cheerful, friendly, affectionate, and yet not especially close with my mother. And she knew and it hurt her. She who had not known how to be a mother to a daughter and had only envisaged sons. Almost a mirror image.
But here is the thing – even though she did not see it or know it, I loved my mother fiercely. So fiercely that I gave her the gift of my independence, my stability, so she could tend to my brother and not worry about me. And I just wonder if that’s what your lovely Noah is doing for you, and for Ivy. Giving you the gift of his wholeness so you can be free not to fret after him. I think the bond between you will grow and reveal itself fully in years to come, in times and ways you can’t expect now.
And also, just, I feel for you. So much.
every day is a chance, no?
All he’s done is make room for you to take care of Ivy. Because he loves her, too. And he knows and understands how much that takes. He’s such a good kid, and a great brother. But deep down inside, where it counts, he loves and needs you no less.
You are not out of chances. Keep loving that baby. You are a great mom. Hang on to that. When FigNewTon was sick, I could feel Butterfly pulling away, being strong in a way children should not have to be strong. And even though I still wait for the next blood work to be bad, in our every day life, you can no longer tell that FigNewTon almost died and Butterfly has learned to need me again. You are not out of chances until they are gone. Keep being the great mom you are and loving that boy. God bless you and yours.
You’re not out of chances. You’re not. Children grow and change and so do relationships. Just be there for him, and let him know how much you love him. I bet he already does know that. Hugs hon.
So hard. I’m sorry. My boy will go to a stranger before he comes to me. It hurts.
I know that this post cost you a lot to write. Why is it that we grow through pain, and reflection on pain? Love to you.
Some bonds are invisible to the naked eye. You are his mother, no one else is. To Noah you are unique, remember that always. When my boy now 17 was 4, his Thomas the Tank Engine Truck seemed more important than I. He wouldn’t give a hoot if I didn’t kiss him goodnight but if the Truck weren’t there he was desolate. He would wait for the coalman to deliver all morning and get so excited on his arrival I would be jealous. The fact that he seems not to need you too much right now is probably because he is a small boy, with other things on his mind. In my humble opinion I think this means he is a well adjusted happy and completely normal little boy, who loves his mum with all his heart. A long time ago now I had a friend who had twins and she said sometimes they had such a close bond that she felt shut out. One a boy and one a girl, she felt this particularly with the boy. Now that they are grown it is the boy who misses his mum whilst at uni etc. I was a prem baby many years ago and in an incubator for a very long time. My mum told me a little while ago that she just couldn’t hold me for that whole time and has never gotten over the guilt. Don’t beat yourself up over the week when you were afraid or dwell on it. Look to the future and whilst you are feeling like this & noticing Noah don’t withdraw for fear of rejection, try a few moments of each day just with Noah being you and him together. Get someone to take a photo of you and he together and in that you will see the love, shining through of that I am sure.
Consider yourself hugged. You are one brave lady. Most people wouldn’t have the courage to let it out. Kids go through stages. I don’t think either of you have lost the other. Maybe come up with some activity you and Noah can do together, something that isn’t emotionally charged, and that he can control.
God Bless.
Barbara
*hugs*
I couldnt say anything that hasn’t been said already. You’re a strong woman Tiff, and your boy will look back and see just how much you’ve loved him all these years. xxx
You have me in tears. Things a the same in many ways with my boy and I, although our circumstances are so different. I cling to the hope it isn’t too late – my boy is turning 6 next week. May it never be too late for any of us.
HUGS
Naturally, the fear of losing Noah as you had William was enough to keep you away from him for so long but you still maintained your love for him & the bond between you, by continuing to provide his mother’s milk. Don’t doubt for one minute that he loves you any less than he always has, because when you need to be away from him with Ivy, he always asks where you are & when you will be home. He doesn’t ask the same about Ivy. When you do arrive home, Noah is almost always the first to know. Now that he’s 4, he wants to be a “big” boy & so he’s going to try to emulate his dad & male peers. He’s trying to become independent,too but when he does need to be dependent, Noah knows Maddy is there for him without other distractions. Rest assured though that he really does love & need you just as much as ever and will, always. xoxo
Where there is love there is always another chance… and another… and another.
I didn’t ‘bond’ with my girls for a long… long time. I loved them, but I didn’t LOVE them. I still blame some of the struggles we have with their behaviour on that distance back then. But you know what…. every day is another chance, a new start, a possibility…
Everyone can see your love for Noah as well as understand your worries and fears… and I know Noah’s gentle soul can see that too and he’ll never stop giving you more and more chances.
Dear, amazing Tiff
I have been a lurker for a while, but am yet to comment on your fabulous blog (I think?)…
We share a lot of similar experiences, including waaaay too many hours in hospitals with our now-4-year-old girls and a rescue helicopter – Molly had 2 trips in the big red & yellow bird that still stops me in my tracks whenever I see it.
Faaaaark, did they really put Noah in William’s NICU bed?? That would have done my head in. I think that a lot of women with your history and in your situation would have done as you did.
I still carry a lot of guilt about why in the minutes after the accident that almost killed Molly I handed her to my aunt and didn’t hold her through what was very likely to be her final breaths.
I also remember being heartbroken when my older daughter declared, referring to my m-i-l who had come from WA to live with her & hubby at Ronald McDonald House while I lived (existed really) at Molly’s bedside in JHH ICU: “I’ve got 2 mums now!”
But the harsh reality is that I HAD to be at her sibling’s hospital bedside instead of with her, and I often still do. One of the hardest aspects I find to being a mum-to-more-than-one is the sometimes overwheleming desire to be in two, or three, or more, places at once.
Thinking of you, Susan
(in Sydney, but spent the darkest days of my life at Smiths Lake and JHH)
Tiff, I really don’t have any thing of value to add. Just that you are wonderful and Noah knows that and some days Minnie doesn’t want a bar of me and other days I am her everything. Its all so hard at times, some complicated. I wish I had the answers. xxx
It is my bet that he is closer to you than you think.
I think most mums must feel this way. I feel that I have let all of my kids down at some point in their lives, and hope that I can make it up to them. And so far, all the kids, even the daughter who is 13,are still giving me second chances to become close,and fix my mistakes, so I KNOW that Noah will do the same. You are doing the absolute best you can for your kids. We always feel so bad,(my Mom still cries when she thinks about all the things she did ‘wrong’), but get peace from the fact that they are doing okay and looking after each other now, and know that they will be there for you, when its your turn to be the center of their world.
You know, I honestly can’t even fathom what it must have been like to be in that same NICU again. I’ve had a box of preemie clothes I’ve intended to donate to the NICU where we spent so many weeks for just years now, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to go back. I wish you could see the Mum I see when I read your posts, Tiff. I think you’d love her — just as desperately as her soulful children do. ((Hugs))
~Michelle
dear one it is never ever too late …. keep the faith le xoxo
Hey Tiff – a bit late around here, but I just want to say can you please turn to yourself and allow forgiveness? You have had so many trials, and you beating yourself up won’t help in you being able to see and value those moments of chance and beauty that you and Noah do have, because every one will be tainted with that horrible guilt you are building a monument to. Hugs – and as others have said before, EVERY day there is chance that it will come, and it will.