Oh sweetheart, I think you know that you are doing the best by Ivy that you can. You know her best honey - you know that, and so do we. Been thinking of you lots recently. Sending lots of love xx

I obviously only know you through your blogging and because I have linked via sleepless nights and frogponds rock, who by the way offer me support via blogging which is so precious I can’t really describe it. Genuine support. I am writing here to say I simply do not understand why people comment with negative, hurtful and frankly slanderous comments. It makes me so sad. Frogpondsrock has just commented that she has been receiving comments which are simply unpleasant. I don’t get it. I am not naive in that I think all people are nice but why comment so personally about you like that it is simply not necessary and so so unkind. Your life is so stressful and yet you seem to me to be the kindest most caring of mum’s that anyone could wish for. I read your blog because it humbles me and your inspirational way of dealing with adversity inspires me to be a better person. With regard to your very personal post above I am so very sorry for your loss. I think its time you tried hard to stop feeling guilty or blaming yourself. None of any of all of what has gone before or what is happening now is your fault in any way. Absolutely no way. I am so sorry that you have been on the receiving end of such hurtful comments. I know it is the worst side of the internet that means that one can be touched by the internet bully and its plain morally wrong. I know I am a stranger but I think none of these things, because you are in my reader I follow your lives and only ever feel admiration for you and your little girl and genuine loss at the sadnesses you have all had to endure. SO I hope that a positive comment will help make up for the horrible one. I don’t want to enter into any arugment with anyone but just as a statement to the horrible blogger who has hurt your feelings so - please go away please. As ever you have my support. From me in the UK a great big blogging internet hug. Sorry for long comment its just I can’t abide it when good people get crap from bad people.

Tiff, my heart just goes out to you. I’ve only known you a short time, but I know you are a loving mother who is trying to do the best for her daughter. She is such a precious little gift. Unless those people who have made those harsh comments have walked in your shoes and absolutely know and understand what you have been through, they have no right to accuse you. Please know that you are doing good. You are a good and wonderful woman. You have such a beautiful family. Here’s a big hug from me!

I too am totally suprised anyone would choose to write hurtful mean things. I guess that’s the internet for you, any weirdo can comment….
Im glad though, that it helped you not hindered you and I hope you realise that it is in no way true what the mean people said.
All I can say is that when I’ve had sick kids (and this winter has been particularly scary) I feel almost breathless with fear all day and night until there is some end in sight, so I can only begin to imagine the fear you feel all the time. I think you are amazing and all your choices are done with unconditional love for your kids, so never second guess yourself. I wish you calm for your mind and happiness and health for the whole fam.

Oh Tiff, my heart aches for you! I have lost a child but it was prior to birth and I have often wondered if there was something that I did to cause that, and the truth is maybe there is maybe there isn’t but it is what it is. Thinking about it won’t change the outcome. My heart breaks for the little boy that I will never on this earth know, but I rejoice in knowing that our day will come where we will be together again.
I have someone who constantly criticizes things for Sam, and makes comments that I am making it up and that there really isn’t anything wrong and that he is being put through all of this becuase I want it. I have said this before and will say this again, these people WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND THE ROAD WE WALK!!! THey have no idea the life and death decisions that unfortunatley we are forced to make regularly. They have no idea to watch their children constantly struggle and hurt. And in that find comfort, because they JUST DON”T KNOW!!!
Ivy (and your other children) are so blessed to have a mom who weighs out the options and researches and fights for what is best. That you love them and encourage them. That you bleach and clean your home magnificently but mostly that you LOVE THEM!!! You are doing an amazing job. Please don’t let some hateful hurtful person give you one more second of heartache. THey can’t say anything that has any importance so don’t even listen. HUGS sweet Momma:-) May God bring you comfort and strength and peace

Hugs to you Tiff.xxxxxxxxp

And to you internet bully. JUST FUCK OFF!!!

Sorry Tiff for using my grown-up language.

Dear Tiff, thank you for posting on this subject, which I think is very, very important. Important for you, and for everyone who reads your blog.
You have already been absolved for everything that happened with William–not that you were ever at fault there anyway–these feelings are just part of the healing process of an enormous wound. I know it hurts so much to feel them, but to me the idea of it not hurting is worse.
You have been Ivy’s advocate at every point; you have fought to get Ivy where she is now.
Everyone in your household is blessed by your presence, daily, and so are lots of other people–including me.
I love you. Pay attention to me and everyone who does, and put those horrible comments in the rubbish bin where they belong. Permanently deleted!

I’m so pleased that you were able to find some positives out of what was intended to be negative. If it means that you have found even a tiny bit of peace, even if its disquiet at the moment, then that is a plus.

Being a Mum is hard work, even when things are relatively plain sailing. To cope with everything that you have had thrown at you makes it even harder. I hear you about making all the decisions, but you aren’t just taking blind stabs in the dark - you are guided by the Doctors and your decisions are made out of love for your kids and the best thing for them at the time. That is the absolute best that you can do. I think that you are a fantastic Mum and a wonderful person. And remember the Doctors have the medical knowledge but no-one knows our kids better than us so who better to make the decisions.

Sending big hugs and be kind to yourself.

I’m all lumped up and my neck is clenched.

You are amazing - I don’t know what else to say. But that I came, I read, I hurt, for you.

I like when Gemisht says:
Sending big hugs and be kind to yourself.

Please do.
xx

Oh love. (((hugs)))

And as an aside, can I have their IP address? I’d like to check it against some of my comments.

Oh Tiff. some people just astound me with their ignorance!
I agree with everything said above.
Why someone would waste their time just to say something so disgusting & hurtful to you just shows what a complete asshole they are & it should be a reflection on them only!
Just know that for any reader who leaves you a nasty comment there are many, many, many of us who admire your strength & courage as a mum, & can clearly see that you are doing everything that you possibly can to give Ivy & your family a happy healthy life.
There will always be some jerk out there trying to bring everyone down, don’t let it through, just brush it off & continue to be the amazing & inspirational person that you are.

Many, many people choose to have VBACs, and the vast majority of those have a good outcome. And I know that you know all that, and have probably heard it thousands of times. I cannot believe that a neonatologist would make you feel that your choice had led to William being unwell. I am furious at him for making you feel that some of this wss somehow your fault.

I think you are doing a marvellous job on the decisions you make for Ivy and her treatment. You are making informed decisions and not making any rash decisions, all appear to be made with great deliberation, and in consultation with the doctors.

I wish the trolls would just leave you alone and stay away!

Echoing Gemisht and h&b - Sending big hugs and be kind to yourself

xoxox

Tiff I meet a lot of mothers IRL and online. I am yet to meet a mother more humble, more self aware, or more fiercely determined to see her children receive the care they need than you. xx

Well I have seen your parenting in action and both DH and I commented after meeting you all……what a wonderful ,loving,caring family you all are.

pftttttttttttttttttt to all the idiots.

holding you in my heart dear one………….
with much love

Your honesty is a slap in the face to all those out there who would criticise. I know that none of us can understand how hard your choices are everyday with regard to Ivy but you are doing the best possible job you are capable of. (((hugs)))

You’re just beautiful. Taking words meant to harm and choosing to have them help - that’s a choice, too. Sounds like you’ve got many more women on your side than just me - who’d stick up for you in the face of the bullies. Really, it is insane - even if there is a shred of truth, no reason to say such things unless you’re trying to intentionally make someone upset. Some people live that way. Too bad for them.

I’ve been following your blog for a while but never commented before.

Ignore that hurtful person. I have a little boy about the same age as your twins (4 in Nov) and although he is a mostly healthy child i am constantly agonising over my decisions. I guess it is all a part of parenting, such a scary thing to be responsible for someone else’s life.

I think your horrible commenter has some nasty thing happening in their own life, and they are broadcasting their emotions by being mean to others.

Ivy is a beautiful girl who has a wonderful advocate in you. Hugs to you both.

O M W! Cannot believe that you felt you needed to explain that. Makes me mad!
No matter how healthy your children are, the decisions you make on their behalf do affect their lives, it’s part of parenting. If you agonise over decision, that made sense at the time, you’er going to go absolutely mad!

Oh Sweetheart, as usual your writing just humbles me. I don’t have any words to make you feel better, or stronger or even more able to leap tall buildings. What I do have is bucketloads of faith in you.

As for the troll, well we all have to deal with those sub-species as best we can and I have actually just had to implement a comment policy on my blog, here is the bit that relates to trolls…

Trollish comments will be edited until they amuse me. I will mock all trolls and publish their details. IP addresses will also be provided on request.

Please feel free to borrow my trollish comment policy if you like. Can I have your trolls IP address? Please?

Hurtful comments like this break my heart. And they aren’t even directed at me! I think you are a wonderful advocate for Ivy and having back read your blog very carefully, I know you did what you felt was the right thing for you at the time. And no one should judge you for that. Hell, no one has the right to!
Hugs my friend and hoping for better days ahead xxx

I’ll never understand the pleasure that some people get by being hurtful to others.

No-one, but no-one has the right to judge the choices of others. We are given the chance to be parents, and as your other commentors have said, even bringing up children with NO problems is a challenge and we still have to make choices, be they good or bad! You don’t have to explain anything to anyone! I am a new visitor to your blog and am amazed at how happy and well-balanced little Ivy looks despite her setbacks! You can’t be doing too bad a job! Keep your chin up!

I’m so sorry that someone would make such awful comments. Why, I wonder, would someone bother? I really don’t understand why anyone would make the effort to say something so unpleasant to a complete stranger. People that make those sorts of comments are not worth a second thought. Hugs for you.

In addition to what I said before….I think you are one of the bravest, most thoughtful and incredibly strong women I have ever met. The way you deal with the things life has thrown you with such care and sensitivity and consideration is such a credit to you as a person and a mother. You might feel like you stumble and let it get to you or feel sad at times, but that is more than understandable, and despite that you’re still there loving and fighting for all your kids every day. I feel sick at the thought that some low-life could attack you, but I hope that at least the process of blogging it and seeing all the support you have has helped in some way. You are such an amazing person Tiff. Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you lots. xoxo

tiff ,

you are the best and things happen for a reason . you had william for only a short while but he was needed to be your angel to watch over you and your family . i know this doesn’t change the way you feel but he is with you and watching over you all .

as for some idiots , you did not kill your son and you are not killing ivy .

some people don’t have brains and should think before they speak ( type ) .

you are a wonderful mother .

all my love alisa

Somewhere in the Universe is “The Big Book”. In that Big Book are, among other things, definitions of words. Next to the words Courage, Strength, and Love, is a picture of you.

As for the butthead troll? I hope said troll is from the States and within reach of me. Be sure to let me know if we manage to identify the troll, okay? I have some things I would like to say to the troll - in person.

*exhale*

It makes me FURIOUS to think that _anyone_ would be so ________ (what is the word I’m looking for? Everything I type is me calling names!)!!!

Tiff, I’m glad you wrote this post. It’s so cathartic to stare your “opponent” in the face and tell them they have no power over you.

And simultaneously, while recognizing the growth that comes from you facing your own demons, I want to get our “gang” of you-lovers to beat them up. Hmmphf!

i agree with “brenda”.

how dare someone accuss you of anything. this infuriates me. whatever the circumstances, which we do not even need the details of, you made decisions you thought were right. and for someone to tell you - you made the wrong one and to throw it in your face. urghhhhhhh.
for what it matters, and of course from what you tell us, you are doing incredible by my as to what you are doing with ivy. my heart goes out to you for what you are enduring.

First to the internet bully/troll/asshole - take your negative shit elsewhere. This is a place of love and support. Don’t make me get all Chicago on you and hunt you down. Don’t mess with my family, don’t poke the bear, the bear will kick your ass…

My dear Tiff, you are amazing, please please please don’t second guess yourself. I don’t know what I can say to make it any easier, that is a place you have to find yourself. But please know you did not have a hand in William’s death, please banish that thought from your brain. There are so many ‘what ifs’ you could easily drive yourself nuts. Sadly, nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome, even if you found that out from the docs after the fact.

You are an eternally strong woman and mother, but there is still that tiny vulnerable part of you that takes every negative comment internally, the shadow of the pre-teen girl deep inside you who was bullied in school, made fun of, ostracized. I have that part in me too, I find myself morphing back to that vulnerable young girl every time I get criticized too. Don’t let the situation zap you of your strength and will, or even shake you. Let those crap comments slide off your back, you know they aren’t true, don’t even entertain them or give them a moments thought.

I so want to be there with you, to hug you and chat long into the night over chocolate and/or wine. Our time together will come soon, I promise.

Love and lots of hugs always from Chicago.
Liz

Tiff, Please do not feel that you caused William’s death. He was only meant to be here on Earth for such a short time…. not YOUR choice, it was the Higher Power’s choice. You got to give him sooo much love while he was here and then he went to do another job. He was VERY lucky to have met you

And you could NOT being doing more for Ivy. I think she knows how much you love her and that you are doing everything you can for her…. so that she has a full and happy life. She seems to “aware” of everything.

You know, the one thing wrong about this entry is its title.

Nothing ugly here, just harsh realities, acceptance, doubts, and all that comes along with those.

You are a brave person, a strong person, and I am glad I know you.

I read your blog with almost every post, and I CANNOT believe someone has the nerve to say you are harming your children.

Honey, you are only human, making the most caring and educated decisions you can for your children. To expect any “greater” understanding or insight from yourself is unfair.

I know anything I say won’t change how you feel about William’s death, or Ivy’s illness. But it is BLATANTLY obvious you are a loving, caring mother who does her research, has a heart that is huge, & is doing everything in her power to provide the best care.

I am sending you HUGS and PRAYERS…I wish I were half the mama you are…

As unfortunate as it is, many people send hurtful comments out of pure ignorance. Ignorance that finds no other platform than to blindly and anonymously send hurtful remarks to someone that least deserves it. It’s cowardice at it’s finest. Whoever it was - they have no idea. Like many of us, we are your readers in order to be enlightened. To be supportive. Of you. Of Ivy. Of William. A caring and loving mother does nothing more than the very best she can for her children. That’s all anyone can ask of you. That’s the only thing you’re guilty of. If that is guilt, then wear it with pride.

It means a lot to me that you say this & still support what we’ve decided. It means so much to me that there is this woman on the other side of the planet who knows, lived, lives, the worst case scenario & STILL gets it.

I want to send you a video of MiniMe singing her song about how she’s not perfect & I hope you like me that way.

You do the best you can with what you’ve been dealt. You do MUCH better than I could most of the time, I think. I know, you would say when it’s you, you find a way. But you do awesome, Tiff. & we are here, women, people from all over the globe, sitting right there with you in spirit, best we can, brushing the hairs from your face & rubbing you hand.

I am totally and utterly blown away that anyone would ever make a comment like that… I am totally gobsmacked….

EVERY parent has the lives of their children in their hands… every parent makes decisions about what is best for their child… perhaps not as full on, obviously life threatening and scary decisions as you’ve faced… but every one of us does this, every day.

I worry and wonder about parents who make decisions blindly… who ‘go along with the status quo’ who don’t stop to think about what is right for their individual child in their individual circumstances. I worry about those parents and their children and how they will all face their decisions long term.

You? I don’t worry about you…. I know you make decisions after agonising over what is best, after asking and reading and searching. You make hard tough horrible decisions with grace and love.. and you stand up and face them.

That makes you a wonderful parent and an amazing person. Don’t you ever let anyone make you feel anything less.

My gut is to write something scathing and hurtful to the trolls. That’s not helpful. It never is. Trolls have no emotions. No feelings. Scathing words are a waste of time.

But for you, I wish I could take away all the hurt. As William and Ivy’s mother, you are going to take the brunt of other people’s judgment. Judgment that nobody on this planet has any right to make. I truly hope you came out stronger from your introspection.

Whoever would say such untrue, hate-filled things to you must be a truly ignorant, unhappy and hate-filled person. Everything you do is out of love and you cannot ask for anything more than that.

Firstly, what kind of complete shit heads would write this? Obviously the worst kind of shit head…

Secondly, we love you and all that you are and all that you do.

xxx

I really don’t know what I can say to help you or make you feel better, but please know I am thinking of you and don’t want you to think bad things about yourself. You are doing so well. I am proud of you. Fuck the haters.

I don’t know what to say to you because I feel the same way about Erin’s birth. She came early because of my choices. If I’d gone a different way she might have had more time. If we’d lost her I’d be in the same place you are, as it is with her healthy and all that I still feel a huge amount of guilt because of what she went through because of my decisions.

That said, I can’t believe some people. They’re just incredibly appalling.

I can’t fathom how someone would even contemplate saying to you that you killed your son. No, you made the choice you did at the time and you’ve had to live with the consequences ever since. Even if you’d made a different choice who knows what the outcome might have been. I don’t often swear when commenting either, but those haters can just fuck off. It’s really mean and low. You’re doing a great job and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are doing the best by her Tiff! No one else can know what you two, and the rest of your family go through on a daily basis. You’ve made the best decisions you can for her, and to be perfectly honest, I would have made exactly the same decisions you made if I was in your shoes. I hope I could be as strong as you are if I were in yours… She knows you’re looking out for her. The people who matter know. The naysayers - they don’t matter. You don’t deserve the hurt - not for William, not for Ivy. You’ve had more than anyone should have to bear and you’ve held up remarkably. You’re constantly called upon to be strong, and you constantly prove yourself to be incredible. I wish there was something I could do or say to take away the guilt - you shouldn’t be burdened by it. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Sending you hugs xox

I have no words for that, it’s beyond horrible.

Hugs Tiff xxx

Your commenter should probably go and screw him/herself. You are an amazing woman doing the best you can. I’m just beginning to rub up against the medical world, I was always heartbroken about the choices you have to make but now I’m starting to understand how much responsibility you have to take.

When you doubt what you’re doing, can I say that I would have you look after my children (including nut allergy boy), no matter what was wrong with them, at the drop of a hat.

Ooooh, haven’t experienced life on that side of the blog, but these trolls sound detestable. I am glad you can flip it around to something positive. Glad for you that is, the rest of us don’t need to work through the circumstances to understand what a kick-arse mum you are. You are like my oracle. And I’m not the only one, I’m sure.
Take care of you, mate. xx

This is an amazing post. The people who make these horrible comments are coming from such an ignorant place and I can only feel sorry for someone who is living in a world ruled by such certainity about their ideas. They must be living a very narrow little life.

My son died just over 18 months ago, only mins before he was born. Although it was a placental abruption that no one could foresee or predict I still spend a bit of time wondering about “what if”. What if I hadn’t bent over so often? What if I’d eaten even better? etc etc Its amazing how much we blame ourselves for things we can’t control, its amazing how much we expect that we should be able to control everything or always make the right decision, do the right thing. One thing I recognise most in your post is the positive note. It may sound weird to some people and its not that I wouldn’t give anything to have my son alive but his death has done so much for us as a family (we have one other little boy) and we wouldn’t be who we are now had it been any different. He is so much a part of who and what we are now, just as a living boy would be….. but in a different way.

I’m sure you are doing a fabulous job negotiating the sort of choices and terrain that most of us can only thank our lucky stars we don’t have to deal with.

I do not know you IRL, and have only been reading your blog recently, but please allow me to say that you are an amazing writer, mother and woman. AMAZING. That troll is not only cruel, inhumane and horrible, but also 100% WRONG. It is absolutely clear from the details you’ve chosen to share that William’s VBAC birth was not the conclusive factor in his death, and even if it were, there is NO way you could have predicted how things would turn out. As for Ivy, she is getting the best and most intensive care imaginable from you. My mother, who raised a very severely ill / disabled child (my brother) for 8 years before his death from pneumonia, was exactly this kind of advocate for my brother and it is down to her that he survived his first month, his first year, aeons of medical neglect, having her judgement constantly questioned, and so on. She is a hero and so are you. And Ivy will tell you so herself before too long.

TIff you have written many powerful posts on this blog and I think this one is up there with the best. It is such a shame that it had to be written. Believe in yourself and trust your instincts, you are a wonderful mother.

The only thing I can say is that one who has no empathy, will be given the chance to LEARN it. I will pray for the commenter because its obvious to me that they have never stood where you stand. They have never made the kind of decisions that you make daily. Once again, no one can GET it until they live it. Try as we might to help people understand they just can’t. My heart hurts for you my dear. It hurts most because I can honestly say, 100%, I understand. These choices that you are forced to make, that I am forced to make for Kyleigh… these are things that we should never have been asked to do. Its more than any human should bear but alas we are here and we have no choice but to do the best we can.

You, are doing simply amazing. Do not question for one moment. It is an impossible choice to make, good, bad, right, wrong, there is no answer to these things. There is only gray area, maybe, almost, sometimes. Words like “normal” no longer exist and to those who remember what normal is like… they cannot understand no matter how hard they try. They have sympathy, but empathy is different.

Many MANY many hugs Tiff…