Found
When Ivy and Noah were born, I was really mixed up.
It had been eighteen months since my newborn son had died and their pregnancy had been fraught with pain and fear. Grief had been put on the back burner so I could concentrate on the little people growing inside me.
William had spent all of his days attached to tubes and wires inside the NICU and Ivy and Noah (who were born at 30 weeks) were now in the very same place.
I’d held it together for so long, for my other children, to keep Ivy and Noah safe, so I guess it was understandable that after they were born, I lost the plot a bit.
I just couldn’t function properly and I kind of went into some weird denial that I had live babies.
It lasted about a year and a half.
Don’t get me wrong. I looked after them, fed them, mothered them, nurtured them. I cared about them but (deep breath) I didn’t love them.
I couldn’t let myself.
They might die, after all and I couldn’t invest in them all that I had in William. I couldn’t risk it. I had to protect myself because if I loved them, if I let them into my heart and something happened, I wouldn’t be able to survive.
I knew it
and I had other children who I needed to be there for.
Their course had not been easy, they were both sickly, premmie babies, especially Ivy, so the fear that they were not going to make it was real, for me, at least.
I remember the first time that I felt a twinge.
Of love, that is.
It was William’s third angel day and my Mum had brought around some helium balloons to release.
Ivy and Noah were starting to get into that toddler stage and went crazy when they saw the balloons. Batting them and giggling like insane people.
It was a beautiful, innocent joyful moment
and I will never forget it.
I look back on that moment and I know that it was a turning point.
It was the first time I enjoyed them, the first time I saw them, really saw them for who they were and what they meant to me.
The first time I let myself love them.
Ivy and Noah have helped me to heal. They have taught me to love again and to trust.
Trust life,
trust myself.
At a time I thought I would never find my way again, they showed me.
Oh wow, they are such special kids, they really are
(hugs)
I’ve been sitting here for the last 10 minutes trying to figure out what to write, but I just don’t know what to say. I’m so glad you were able to get past the fear and love them the way you do! xxx
you are very brave to write this you know…………..
lots of people wouldn’t get it….but lots of us do..
I wasn’t very close to No 2 when she was a baby……I loved her.but found it hard to get close to her..she had colic and would scream for hours on end……plus I had her twin and a 2.6yr old and a cranky tween….lord it was hard.
I am so glad you got to open up your heart and find the love for them………
you are a wonderful mumma you know….
lots of hugs
You are truly amazing! It is wonderful that you share thoughts like this with all of us – who knows who might read this post and not feel totally alone or horrible or whatever!
Children are true gifts from God and Ivy and Noah clearly have an important reason to be here! They are precious!!
(((Hugs))) It is completely understandable for you to feel the way you did. And look now, there is absolutely no doubt of your love for them
magic.
BEAUTIFUL.
I love your honesty.
And I agree with M&B…TOTALLY understandable for you to feel the way you did.
I love how you know the exact day you first felt that “twinge”.
I think the amazing thing about us mothers is (most of the time) even when we’re feeling emotionally like shit, we still manage to do what needs to be done. We might not always feel the “right” things, but we usually still manage to DO the right things.
You are an amazing beautiful mother and writer.
I coped by not attaching to my girls too. I loved them… but I didn’t believe they were mine. I loved them and cared for them like they were any of the other babies I’d nannied or looked after. I had no maternal connection with them at all until they were almost one. One day I walked and looked at them while sleeping… Izzy giggled in her sleep and I broke down in tears….
It’s amazing what we do to cope…. and even more amazing when we can finally step back and say it out loud, however crazy or weird it sounds…. we’ve made it through the journey and we should be proud.
You have this magical knack to make me cry with tears of heartache and tears of joy all in the one post! You are a special person, with a special family….
((hugs))
I hope you don’t hold anything against yourself for those emotions. Completely, utterly normal self preservation emotions.
I’m glad you shared this with us.