Immy has been  in the hospital since Friday.

She has a staph infection and cellulitis in her  neck, lip, chin,  and cheek. It’s painful and her face is swollen and red. She is miserable and it’s only a month until her birthday, so she is feeling every bit of that ‘teen’ that is going to be added soon.

This is her third staph infection in as many months.

She’s going in for surgery today to have it drained.

It will scar and she hates me for it. There have been a million tears today and it’s only early.

There is suggestion that Immy’s immune deficiency is back but there will need to be more testing when she is well to confirm.

Everything is out of whack at the moment.

Ivy has staph in her ears. An infection that just never ever goes away

and today it was insinuated that I may be passing it from child to child, that because we have a large family (and therefore assumed,cramped, squalor like conditions) that I am making my children sick.

I have not scrubbed my house enough,

Not used enough precautions when it comes to isolating Ivy from the others.

I am dirty.

Some days my hands bleed from washing them so often.

Some days I just have to throw the clothes out because I’ve bleached them once too many times.

Our house has six bedrooms

and lots of antiseptic gel.

Okay, sometimes it gets messy but it’s not dirty.

I feel dirty though.

What if I am making them sick?

What if I haven’t washed my hands enough?

All the kids have had colds, Noah and Ivy asthma and now Ivy’s ears are in a terrible state.

David is supposed to be in the last week of training for a position in his company that he has wanted for a long time. His final assessment is Tuesday.

He is stressed and upset, trying to juggle commitments.

Everything is unraveling.

I am worried, sad and anxious

and I just want to find a corner and slowly rock.