Maddy sidles up to me this morning.

“Mum, we have one lesson of PE that is…theory”, she nervously explains.

“Oh, right”, I say, still cleaning up the kitchen.

“The weird thing is we had to watch Shrek and notice how he… changes”.

Okay, I thought.

That is  weird.

We finish up and get in the car, to go to school and on the way it dawns on me.

“So, your theory class, it’s lifestyles, is it”?

“Huh?”

“Health. That’s what your class is”.

“Huh”?

I roll my eyes and look to her, “Your PE class, it’s SEX education, isn’t it”?

“Ooooooh. Yes, yes it is”.

“I always came first in that class. When all the other girls were giggling, I was saying ooh a penis, ooh semen, girly bits! That’s really interesting”.

A slow blush rises through her cheeks.

“The worst thing,” she notes, ”is that the teacher has these really long lashes and really blue eyes and he looks like he is wearing mascara and he’s a guy but he sounds like a girl.”

I look her up and down, 

“That’s not so bad. Try having a big buff macho guy, wearing short shorts, pull out a banana and saying in his big gruff sports teacher voice;

“Imagine this is an erect penis”, producing the fruit in an upwards motion

and then peeling out a bright red condom, showing us, with his man hands moving in a downward motion, how to place the ‘device’ on the ‘appendage’. I went to an all girl school for crying out loud”.

“Imagine that”.

Maddy giggles and I hear hysterical laughter coming from the back of the bus.

“What?” I ask as the sniggering subsides.

“Is that why you don’t like bananas?” she enquires.

“I hope times have changed, and that’s not how they teach you anymore” I say,

“otherwise you will never look at a banana the same way again”.

“Ewww, Mum!” she scolds, rolling her eyes in disgust.

Evidently, I suck at being a Mum to teenagers.

Oh yes, I do.