Oh god, I don’t know.

We all dressed up for our year 6 leavers, but I don’t think any of the girls got their hair done professionally.

Would it be such a big deal for them if everyone else wasn’t getting it done? Is it really about pretty hair, or is it about peer pressure and fitting in?

Because the pretty hair, I’m sure you can do just as well as the hairdresser. The peer pressure, not so much.

That’s hard. I say, since you have decided, then you need to stick to that. If your step father wants to to help them out then let the money go towards something else. A really fun dress (that can be worn again) that they might not otherwise have gotten. Or something like that.
But for the sake of the argument, I think you need to stick to what you’ve decided. You’re only just now entering the teen years and they need to know that you won’t be swayed by peer pressure. In the end hopefully they will love you for it.
My mom always said I could blame her for anything. She didn’t mind being the fall guy if it meant that I didn’t have to do something I didn’t want to.
Of course in this case it’s a fun experience, but maybe tell them that you will pay to have their hair done for some special occasion later (make it specific like a formal when they’re x age).
Hope that helps!

I’m totally with you … the over glamourisation or worse sexualisation of tweenies should stop now …

While at 12 you think you are so grown up there is plenty of time for the glam years to take hold …. preserve the childhood I say

and congrats on your position - stand firm …

le

ps I have a few issues with this at dance school … and I only have boys !

I agree - stick to your guns - you’ve said no and you should stick to no!

Also, there is plenty of time for them to get their hair done professionally so it isn’t like they are missing out totally - though I KNOW that delayed gratification is a hard thing especially with the peer pressure that is around today.

It was incredibly generous of your step-dad to offer to help and from what you said it sounds as if you have thanked him and let him know that the offer is appreciated. I like the suggestion of putting the money he has offered towards something a bit more lasting.

Good luck and I hope the girls have a fantastic time even if you do their hair! If their make-up from Halloween is anything to go by they will look AMAZING because I have decided there isn’t anything creative that you can’t do and do WELL!

No idea, I would probably give in… knowing me. But then again, a 12yo looks plain silly with overdone hair!

The girl who was never allowed to so much as go to those things says that you should let them do it. Let them dump a bunch of money on a tramp dress? No. Let them do a little work and earn a great hairstyle that will make them feel like princesses? Yes.

Why? Because it’s a milestone for them. And because they’ve had a really hard year. And it’s not a freebie; make them earn it.

You know better than I do that 12 today is not 12 for us, not just socially, but physically. Kids at 12 now are leagues ahead of us at 12. I’d just angle it with the “You will NOT be Britney Spears, you will be the girl from Labyrinth” schpeal. But me, I’d let them have their thing.

I like your step-dad’s idea of getting them to work for him for a day to pay for the styling, but if you’ve already said no, then I know I’d probably try to stick with it.

Like Veronica said though, if it’s because “everyone” is going, it’s a tough choice.

Yeah, that’s tricky. Y’know all you’d need to do is use a gallon of hairspray and a million bobby pins each on them and it’d look just the same…

Go with your instinct. I think that getting them to work for the money to get it done is a great idea.

And my Mum keeps reminding me about a very wise Doctor that she went to when I was little. He told her that even though we are parents, we are human as well. As parents we are allowed to change our minds, but it must be because we want to change our mind, not because we are succumbing to nagging or “peer pressure” because all the others are getting their hair done.

So if you wake up tomorrow morning and think that the girls working to earn the money is a great idea and that you think you would like them to get their hair done, then tell them you changed your mind, just because you can.

On the other hand if you wake up in the morning and still think that its not such a good idea, then stick with that. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and your kids.

I really admire you for your stance and for holding strong on it. I agree that these exciting experiences for girls are getting earlier and earlier and we do have to draw the line. I would probably cave in your situation because I am hopeless when it comes to the nag factor.

I do think it’s a good lesson for the girls to learn about not giving into peer pressure and they will learn from the experience, even if they don’t think so at the time.

On the other hand, I think Gemisht makes a good point, that it’s OK to change your mind if it’s for the right reasons and it’s not a bad thing for the kids to see that you can change your mind if you’ve thought it through fully and weighed everything up.

Sorry I don’t have a definitive answer! Basically I would say if you really beleive it’s worth sticking to, then don’t give in, but by the same token, I wouldn’t stick to your guns because you don’t want to go back on what you’ve said.

Oh, and if you do change your mind - getting them to work for it is a great idea!

Personally, I agree with you - there is too much that kids want too early. Period. I was SO thankful that the school they went to in VA for their early years of grade school didn’t have a Kindergarten graduation. I think they are SO ridiculous!

I’m actually not real happy about the whole 8th grade graduation for Mikaela this year. Nor the semi-formal dance. When I went to school, there was no graduation until 12th grade, when you actually recieved a diploma since you had actually finally finished school! No silly 8th grade diploma saying you had finished 8th grade! We had dances in 7th, 8th & 9th grade, but they weren’t semi-formal. No semi-formal dance until High School, which for me was 10th -12th, since in the district I went to school, 7-9 was junior high.

Of course, I won’t be faced with this dilemma, so it’s easy to for me to say no. Mikaela wears nothing but sweat pants and big baggy t-shirts. She’ll probably never get into a dress, much less want her hair done at a salon!

Anyway, back to the point, it seems smaller and smaller milestones are made into bigger and bigger things. I think it develops an overly large sense of self-importance. I also think it breeds mediocrity – by over rewarding things, why set higher goals if you are rewarded in a big way for small things?

I’m not trying to make light of the achievements they have made, just trying to express my opinion that society as a whole isn’t asking much of each successive generation, then we wonder why we aren’t getting much out of them.

If it was me, and my step-father had offered them the opportunity to learn a lesson about earning what you get, I’d relent. There’s nothing wrong in relenting, and changing your mind as circumstances and opportunities change. It is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wanting to do the best for your children.

You yourself said it - they are leaving their childhood behind. This isn’t about sexualization - it’s about a young girl (or girls, sorry) becoming, in her own mind, a young woman. About feeling really grand about herself and the way she looks.

If it was me, of course. That’s just me.

Here’s my two cents

It sounds like the Year 6 Farewell (we don’t have that here, so I hope I got that right!) is a VERY big deal. Something that only happens once…

I would tell them that if they wanted to get their hair done, let them work for it with your dad, earn their own money, and get it done.

It is still something VERY special. This day is VERY special. And not because “everyone is doing it”. If that’s the reason, then I’d say nope. But if it’s something they’re into, they love, they really want to do because it’s special, then I would say OK.

My 15 year old and I get pedicures before we go on vacation. It’s a VERY special treat, and for us, it signifies it’s time to relax together as a family, to go on a special trip. Regular pedis for a teenager is a little indulgent, but she relates the specialness of pedicures with our vacations together.

You know your kids best though, & I know you’ll do what’s right for you family

That’s a tough one, but if it was me, I would probably relent and let them work for the cash to pay for it. Young girlhood is soooooo tough, I couldn’t imagine how much tougher it is now than it was when we were kids. Young girls for some reason always have this complex about being the “outsider” (I know I did, and never fit in), and this might reinforce that complex if all the other girls were getting theirs done and they did not. Not to say they should get everything that other girls get, but this is indeed a special occasion, and they worked hard to get it.

I’m not saying its a freebie, they would still have to work for it (hopefully not a pleasant chore), but once the $ is theirs, it will be up to them how to spend it (you can always try to guilt them out of spending their hard earned cash on hairdo’s). Of course, it will go toward girly hair, but at least they earned it and can spend it at their will. I’m guessing there will be lots of pictures taken, do you want to be the mom who gets chastised each time you see the pics, like “my mother (eye roll) refused to let us get our hair done”? I can only imagine the drama.

Just my two cents.

Congrats to the girls and AJ on reaching this monumental milestone!

I think id just let them go get their hair done.

I think I would let them work for your step father and then decide if they want to spend their hard earned money on hair, or if they would rather get something that would last longer.

(I would also hope that your step father would make them actually do some work so they feel they really did earn the money.)

12 year olds need to start learning to make tough decisions for themselves, and if they decide to spend their money on their hair this time, then they won’t have money when they want a new CD or a shirt or book or whatever, and they start to learn about delayed gratification.

Also, if they earn the money for the hair and are completely thrilled with it, then they learn that hard work pays off, instead of nagging Mum pays off.

I am very big on my kids making their own decisions. Now that my oldest kid is a couple thousand of miles away from me at college, I feel very confident that we taught him how to think for himself, make decisions for himself, and take care of himself. (He immediately called me when the car stalled in the middle of a busy intersection, but he dealt with it.)

It really depends on how you feel about changing your mind, how much they have nagged, and if it really feels like giving in. If it feels completely like you are giving in to them, then I would be more hesitant to do it. If it feels like this is a way for them to get what they really want without you feeling like you completely caved, then I would go for them working for their hairstyles.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

I have a twelve yr old girl(and an 11 yr old girl:)…..it is hard. Its hard to get into the idea of cool, or punk, when I was already used to the idea of cute, and matching.(the matching thing……oh the drama, if its even uttered).
I would not pay for my girls to get their hair done for a big deal like this. We have always taught them, however, that if they earn their own money, and if their choice of spending it falls within our family’s guidelines for acceptable, they may use it for what they choose…..knowing that once its blown, and next week the way awesomest greatest thing ever comes up, and they need that $20 back, sorry, its been spent. To me, there is a big difference between my opinions, and the morals the girls have been raised with. Our girls have been raised to dress modestly, and if they adhere to that, then putting some punk on top of that, that is ok……..even if, in my opinion, it might look a little silly.
If your girls understand that this is a one time thing, just for this one special occasion, that it will not be a regular deal, and all the other rules of the house will be remaining the same(no makeup, modest dress, etc etc), I think it would be ok.
Parents are people, and we are allowed to change our minds. Special days like this only come once in a while, and it will likely make them feel like princesses……a special day just for them might be a really neat thing to them, esp since, while they’ve been good about it, so many days have been about the little sister lately.

My Daughters year 6 “thing” is getting their ears pierced. AND it’s not for another 2 years, but she talks about it all the time. I have to say I have relented and said she can do it then (I originally said DEFINITELY not until year 8), but because it is such a big deal, and she’s planning it so far ahead, then I’ll let her.
I will however, make her work for the money! She will have to prove maturity that she can look after her own ears…by showing me she’s responsible.
I do think that things like this offer us the opportunity to teach them important lessons.
I also understand (as my mum ALWAYS tells me) that you should ALWAYS stick to your guns.
So it’s a tough one, but like gemisht said, we can show them that under the right circumstances, we are allowed to change our minds. If you did change your mind you could talk to them about why and how it’s important to be able to change our minds if we feel something is important enough. It might be important for them to know that when they have agreed to go to a party to try alcohol but when they get there they change their mind, but feel its’ too late, they already gave their word?? Maybe Im going off on a tangent. I just think of these things having a preteen!!!! AAGGGHHH, girls!
Do what your heart says is the right thing to do. I understand the principle totally, but also this could really be the biggest deal to them for many years to come and it may make all the difference.

I am with Julie - but I think it way above and beyond that its even an issue.

We had break up day and sure, the mothers came in town clothes and some of the fathers changed out of work gear - but that was the extent.

I’m going to be a chicken and say I’m staying totally out of this one.

(i.e. I haven’t a clue what I’d do)

But, I would say, as you’ve made a logical decision, stick to it, it was your gut feeling.

Growing up, if there was something I wanted - within reason - that my parents weren’t willing to shell out for, I could pay for it myself. I think this is reasonable for your girls. They may decide to not spend their hard-earned money on hair-dos after all!

there is so much good advice already. I am going to fence sit and get splinters probably.
Peer pressure is tough.
I am sure you can a very professional looking job if this is what you want to do - after all you are their mother and what you say goes.

As a 12 year old I would say let them have their hair done. Now as a parent I say you mave made your decision and stick with it. You may suprise yourself with what you can do with their hair and some hair magazines or hairstyle websites.
You and the girls could look at all the hairstyles and play around with how they would look on them. Then they could choose one they like and help you do it.
The bonus is, and I would tell them too, that they look just as good if not better than all the girls who paid money for their hair do.

All the best! I’m sure they will have a wonderful time.

I have a 3 year old that I let wear heels to a wedding, and had her first manicure and pedicure the day before her 3rd birthday! Any idea what my answer will be? I cave too easily…

If they work for your stepfather and earn the money themselves, and still want to spend it on their hair, rather than something else, I would let them. I would strongly be reminding them though of other things they really want that they could use the money for instead.

I can completely see your dilemma though, when you have already said no. I would probably still go with no if its not about the money, and its about your principles.

Good Luck!

You are the one who will live with this decision - also - with your girls. We all do the best we can with these decisions for our children. For yourself - go with your gut, or stick to your guns - hope those sayings work here.

In our home, Hubby and I formed a saying: The first no is the easiest.

Once a precedent is set, it is soooo difficult to go back. So will they want to do as all the other girls at the next milestone - will that also press you to the edge of what you think is best for your family? Best wishes.

I’m enjoying the comments as much as the original post! This is a great topic, and I’m positive I’ll have to deal with similar situations many times!

If you’ve already decided they won’t get to go to the salon, then it’s done. They may not understand for another 20 years, but someday they will. I used to resent my mom for things like that and it’s only recently that I realized she taught me an excellent lesson.

On the other hand… if it were me, I’d tell the girls they could decide what to do (I’ve read WAY too many Love & Logic books!) and that they could choose to have you do their hair for FREE or they could choose to work an ENTIRE day for their step grandfather and earn the money to have it done. Then I’d make sure that your step dad was determined to work them to the bone that day. Next time they may choose differently.

Please tell us how it plays out!

These are the girls right whose mum knows how to do ragging? Who could actually do a great hair do?!

Kids need boundaries. Say no.

Lets see how motivated your girls are.

If they really want a hair-do - they can proactively seek to earn the money - if they ask their Grandad for a job - let him say yes.

(but don’t present that as a solution for them, let them work it out. If they already know he’s offered it doesn’t work so well)

It’s a rite of passage and I for one would be proud of my two if they got of their butts and worked for what they wanted.

Hell I would be proud if my daughter just brushed her hair for once!

For my daughter’s year 7 graduation (we’re in SA) I made her a dress which I thought was suitably partyish, we chose the pattern together and she was happy with the result. She wore her hair freshly washed, but in the same old no fuss hanging to the shoulders style. When we delivered her to the school hall I was shocked to see all of her classmates in dresses, make up and hairstyles more suited to 18-20 year olds going to a night club. Shoestring straps, low cut fronts, some of the dresses were strapless, all were satiny or lacy and some of them actually looked slutty. I couldn’t believe their mothers agreed to this. They were 12 for heavens sakes, a lot of them physically undeveloped, wearing dresses designed to show off bosoms and cleavage. This was way back in 1988.
I do think that if you change your mind about the twins hair you could maybe have a quiet word with the hairdresser, ask her to make the girls feel glamorous, but with a 12-13 year olds hairstyle, not something more suited to an 18 year old.

I’m a 25 year old without kids. I do however have a 12 year old sister I’m incredibly close to. I have the ability to see Bianca’s point of view as well as Mums when it comes to pre-teen issues that often arise. I would say I become the buffer between the two in a lot of situations.

I just took B shoe shopping,.. we brought a pair of silver strappy heels to match the new dress she intends to wear to her graduation. I understand her need to look nice, but honestly I think it’s all way OTT. At the end of the day, these girls ARE only 12! If you let them get their hair done this time, what are they going to expect next time? Full french acrylic nails?!

I think the ‘trial’ idea is great- picking out styles and having a bash at it at home. Let them see how beautiful they can look without having to pay someone to do it. Getting them involved with helping you to create each others hairstyle will give them the added bonus of claiming credit for how gorgeous the other looks on the night!

Even if they do sulk about it, all will be forgotten 2 weeks later!! Good luck!

I would not be sending them to a hairdresser at 12. I think it is too young.

However, if they earned the money themselves, I wouldn’t mind them spending the money on themselves in that way.

Oh dear. We didn’t have year 6 leavers celebrations so I honestly think the whole thing is over the top. But I also understand how mean and nasty 12 year olds are if you don’t ‘fit in.’ But I think I would say no to the hairdresser… Very difficult.

Coming late to this and have really been interested to read all the responses… I can see myself facing this dilemma in the not to distant future!

You’ve probably already done this but I think I’d sit down and have a discussion with the girls about it all. Ask them why they want it done, what they think they’d have done if they did it… maybe point out some things like the fact that perhaps it is peer pressure etc. I’d probably be honest and upfront that I was having a tough time making a decision on this and explain why… that you understand how important it is for them, but that at the same time you worry about them being pushed to be too grown up too soon…. etc etc. Give you all a chance to nut it out a bit more so you have some more info on which to base your final decision.

To be honest, where I am right now (with two 5 year olds not two 12 year olds so really I have no clue) I’d probably let them earn the money if it was really important to them. I’d probably set some boundaries about what they could have done, but I’d also hope that my girls would have heard enough from me about peer pressure and the whole ‘women are more than just glamour’ thing that they’d be well on the way to being able to have a nice fancy hair do, and feel special without all the other baggage?