I’m no idiot.
When Lily excuses herself to go to the bathroom at dinnertime and she can barely get the words out for all of the casserole she has crammed down the side of her mouth, I know exactly what she is going to do.
You do too.
She is going to spew that ‘hours over a hot stove’ meal right into the big white telephone.
“Helloooooo”.
I’m not an idiot.
I know the plan because
I used to do it too.
Now, Mum, I know you are reading this and I don’t want any comments from you,
M’kay?
I hear your distress at my failing to eat what you put in front of me.
I do.
Karma has bitten me on the bum seven fold, if you get what I mean.
For me, it was broad beans.
Ugh.
What is the deal with those things?
They taste like wood or something else that I can’t quite put my finger on because I don’t eat it on a regular basis…
Oh yeah, poo.
They taste like poo.
(Sorry to any BB lovers, or for that matter anyone, who might have a love for anything faecal).
They just don’t do anything for me.
So, the broad beans were flushed, often along with brussel sprouts.
This story is not about that though.
This is the tale of the ham steaks.
A story I told my kids in true mummy/child confidentiality, only to have it relayed straight back to the one person I never wanted to find out.
My mother.
It goes like this;
Tuesday night was bowling night and we were fed early. It was my mother’s one night to go out and get away from my father have some time out.
Every week we would have the same thing.
Ham steaks, pineapple, cheese and salad (or vegies in winter).
Tuesday night was Ham Steak Night.
Mum would serve us up and go for a shower, trusting us to eat our meals in doing so. You can imagine that after a while we got a bit sick of it (being kids and all and not stopping for one moment to think about anything other than ourselves).
During this period of our lives, we had acquired a red kelpie dog, who we had named Toffee. That dog was not meant for suburban life at all. In fact I’m not sure where she belonged because she was a tree climbing, fence jumping, runaway tear - arse of a dog, who was cunning in avoiding capture when she escaped the yard. She thought she was some kind of bird, I’m sure.
Always flying the coop.
She was, of course a working dog and would try to round us up, any chance she got, like sheep into a holding fence, ready for the dip. She could leap especially high and this was a great source of amusement to three children with a less than stellar childhood.
The dog was alwaysat our feet around dinner time and was a die hard carnivore, often stealing meat from preparatory areas before the cooking had begun.
So when we discovered that ham steaks made especially good frisbees, Toffee was there to play fetch.
Except she didn’t fetch…
and the ham steaks didn’t come back.
We would fling the round slabs of meat high into the air, often obtaining some mad spinning pizza action mid throw. Toffee would leap, her svelte, red body almost folding in two as she twisted and turned to snare the much desired lump of ham. She would seemingly inhale the steak just before the next was hurled.
Of course dinner was dutifully finished, not a trace of ham to be found and we were toted as angels for having eaten quickly and quietly…
and she never found out
until the traitors gave it away.
I’m thinking a little payback is in order… ham steaks, anyone?
Posted on July 28th, 2008 by Tiff
Filed under: Daily life, ahhh the memories!, children, family
Yep, you’re so right. I’m reading this through tears of laughter rolling down the cheeks! And yes, I now know the whole truth. Thanks kids! Kids are such tattle-talers, aren’t they, so you’d better be careful what else you tell them about your kiddy days. Here’s a plan! Try the same on the kids. Ham steaks & pineapple every Tues. for dinner & just see how long it takes for Linus to aspire to Toffee’s efforts in catching flying meat saucers mid-air. Sound good? What say you? but shshshhhhh!…….don’t let the kids in on the secret. Good luck!
roflmao!!
kelpies are so not house dogs!! lol
It’s my untidy bedroom that has bit me on the arse in the parenting stakes
PMSL that’s a classic. And you’re Mum has a great sense of humour too
I say serve the kids ham steaks every Tuesday and see what they think. Or you could be really mean and serve them once a week but not on the same day. And we used to get fed ham steaks too. Blech.
And for me it wasn’t broad beans, it was and still is paw paw, I can’t eat it. It smells like puke to me.
OMG, we had ham steaks for dinner last night! Seriously! I’ll never look at them the same way again.
Hehe you’ve given me a great giggle this morning - I really needed it too, thanks!
Ham steaks though… I just can’t eat them either. My mum n dad used to make them every week too… oh the memories! The chewing and chewing and chewing… I couldn’t get myself to swallow it unless it was with a huge gulp of water!
Yay for being the mum now and being able to choose what’s for tea!
So I take it Lily doesn’t like casserole? Is it just casserole in general? Or a particular type of meat used? Or the veggies in it? Perhapd between the two of you the recipe could be modified to her satisfaction? Or you could serve caserole to everyone else and Lily gets a peanut butter sandwich.
I don’t like broad beans either, there’s a stuffy taste and cardboardy texture.
Ham steaks are acceptable if the steaks are cut from a large leg such as you get at Christmas (not from close to the bone though) and fried really quickly. The hams are pre-cooked so steaks really only need to be heated. Bought ham steaks are fatty, salty and sometimes gristly. Blech!
For me it was liver and onions. Which my Mom LOVES. and I do NOT. ‘Nuff said.
Oh please please please adopt me!
It all just sounds like so much bloody fun!
There were no dogs at boarding school - but there was Ham Steaks.
The first time they were served, they were delicious. So much so that, when required by the Form Mistress to offer something POSITIVE at the Boarders Council (which I was on, courtesy of being dumb enough to be Boarders rep in this form) I was thrust forward with a compliment on the ham steaks.
Every week (although I am sure it was a Thursday, not Tuesday) out came the Ham Steaks - and the quality declined rapidly (as Boarding School food is wont to do).
However, it was not until 6 girls were put into sick bay with food poisoning and the seniors staged a food strike that they were taken from the menu and never seen again.
Mind you - can you imagine (a) 200 boarders flinging ham steaks around a dining room or (b) the dog that could cater to 200 ham steaks a week?
LMAO
Oh yes, I did the cramming food into my cheeks trick, too.
It was lambs fry (liver) and broad beans lol.
That is hilarious !!!!!!
HEHE!
Yeah, I reckon Linus would love 7 ham steaks for dinner
I reckon every kid does something similar with food they don’t like. I used to put chops between the fridge and the cupboard (not very smart I know) and we had no inside dog to clean up. Don’t blame you about the ham steaks though.
Hee, hee!
I don’t even want to imagine the stuff my kids are going to try to pull… nope. Don’t want to go there…