On being larger than life…
I was always the big girl.
For as long as I can remember I have carried the extra kilos, have never been the skinny girl, never will.
School was a tragic affair of teasing and bullying. There were things that happened in the playground that I will carry with me forever.
Like that teacher in the forth grade who made ‘Boom Boom’ sounds (to the jeers and applause of the sporty kids) as I thundered down the run to the long jump pit in a bid to participate in the compulsory sports day.
Or the fifth grade dance item I was not allowed to participate in because my being large detracted from the overall effect of the dance of the Maypole.
Or the time the sixth graders tripped me and pulled down my underwear so that everyone could see how large my backside actually was.
Ah good times, my friends, good times.
Things were not much better in highschool, although going to an all girls school taught me that cruelty was possible in stealth mode and that you could be mean in a really passive aggressive way.
I could go into how my father’s stock standard line for me, that I looked like the side of a house, or even more bluntly that I was fat and ugly and that he was embarrassed to walk down the street with me, made things thousands of times worse but that would just be laying the blame on someone who can’t defend their actions (read dead) and besides that I’m all about taking responsibility for my own choices.
And I chose to put the food in my mouth. I made the wrong food choices, for whatever reasons.
As an adult it has taken me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin.
My first diet was when I was eight and I have yo - yo - ed ever since.
I ballooned out to a massive 134kg then took control and lost 58kg and then put it all back on again post death of baby and then lost 40kgs of that so that I could fall pregnant again. I have only lost a minimal amount since birthing for the last time but I am ok with that for now.
I am a big girl and that sits okay with me for the first time ever.
When I say okay, I mean I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t like what I see and tell myself I need to do something about it but mostly, I just accept that this is me and go with it.
Motherhood has changed my body in ways I never thought possible. My wobbly bits got wobblier and I have lumps and bumps that would make any plastic surgeon shudder (either that or have them rubbing their hands in anticipated millions with all the work that needed to be done to achieve anything resembling a ‘normal’ body).
I think becoming a mother has also changed my perspective on body image and that is why I am okay with being larger than the average Australian gal.
As a mum, (and a larger mum, with multiple food issues) I have worked really hard to teach the girls about right choices, exercise and everything in moderation. I’ve tried to teach them that everyone is different and that is okay. I’ve taught them about genetics and how their parentage plays a big role in their DNA and that they need to take that into consideration when choosing the food they put into their bodies. Immy and Maddy have been taught about fat cell lay down early in life and how these will be filled as they become adolescents, in anticipation for their child bearing years.
An interesting side to this was how society has changed but the human body has not evolved along with it.
I’ve tried to teach the kids about teasing and how even a tiny little thing can stay with a person forever, wounding them deeply. (Imogen understands, she has endured alot of teasing about her teeth in the past).
I am proud that my girls are in the right weight range for their height. I have worked hard to get them there. Okay, they are bigger than some of the girls in their year. The girls who are allowed to diet (mine aren’t), the girls who are small by genetics (my aren’t), the girls who are still riding on that fast childhood metabolism (I never let that be a chance to be less vigilant).
I am proud that the kids accept that people come in all different shapes and sizes. To me that is the most important thing.
I have to say though that I am saddened and disappointed, after all that hard work, that a teacher would make a remark, one single remark, that one of my girls was ‘big’.
With that, it has brought about requests to limit calories and has made my girls doubt themselves, it has rocked the named ‘big’ girl’s confidence to the very core.
I am angry.
I have pondered why I am so angry for a while.
Is it because of my own struggles with rude comments made by adults who were supposed to help to build my confidence and a happy, healthy me?
Is it because I don’t want my kids to ever feel the way I did? Maybe because I know what it feels like.
Is it because I feel that my own choices now reflect on my children?
Maybe it’s because I think it’s wrong that someone as influential as a teacher makes those judgement calls, those life altering words that will sting forever.
What right did this person have to do that? She must think herself pretty perfect to be able to say that to an almost 12 year old.
Maybe it’s for all the above reasons and that it hurt my girl and that it hurt me.
The question now is; what am I going to do about it?
Aside from damage control from my side, should I kick up a fuss at the school?
Yes, yes you should. You should say a large something to the teacher and her boss. I have SEEN your children….they are not big. They are healthy and their skin glows and they look like children SHOULD look.
Go take out some frustrations on that teacher.
(I once got into a knock down drag out with a teacher because she said to the class that men couldn’t marry each other, and my 4 year old explained to her that they COULD, and he knows men who are married to each other and they are fine people, and she argued with with about it and then came to me CONCERNED about him. Idiot.)
Absolutely, yes, yes, yes!!!! I am appalled and horrified that any adult, let alone a teacher would say this to a young girl, or to anyone for that matter. Have they been hiding under a rock?? Do they think maybe they’ll “shock” them into a diet (which is so inappropriate for a 12 year old)?
If it were me, I would talk to the teacher and to the principal and let them know in no uncertain terms that you consider it to be unacceptable for the teacher to say that to your child. Then, I would probably get all hot and bothered too and yell or cry or something, so I would TRY and calm down a bit before I did it.
I’m not saying you don’t sound calm - in fact, the opposite - you sound very calm and reasoned about it, so I’m sure you would be very effective when you spoke to them.
But, oh, that makes my blood boil!
I am with the first 2 commenters (hi guys! *waves*). YES! Kick up a stink, complain to her boss, whatever it takes.
I am SURE that there is something about teachers not being allowed to make personal comments on that level. Am SURE one of our teachers was telling us about it in school, how they aren’t allowed to comments on shapes, sizes or anything like that.
How dare she say anything like that to your girl!
Your girls are healthy and beautiful and how rude of her!
Me too! I agree. Definitely say something. Your children are lucky to have such a caring and understanding mother. Not only has this teacher been hurtful and insensitive but how unprofessional! I thought teachers were supposed to be good role models and assist in promoting confidence, self esteem and acceptance of others. Maybe too it was just a silly error on the teacher’s part and she needs a wakeup call. Your children are all gorgeous….I’ve seen the photos.
I am with all of them.
KICK some skinny teacher butt!
I feel your angst, rage, and the rage of the commenters.
My tactic might be a bit different (if I could control my temper, which I can’t always).
I would meet with the teacher, and explain. Might find out where her biases come from (not that you have to care…..just might change her more, change her behavior, her influence on OTHER children). Maybe she was bullied to be thin, or had anorexia, and isn’t quite over it, maybe doesn’t even really understand the import of what the b—ch has done!
See? I’m getting pissed, just thinking about it, too.
But I think hatefulness shouldn’t be met with hate–at least not the FIRST time.
(If this IS the first time….)
Who knows? You might have her crying in her beer about how wrong she’s been, a new-found love-your-own-body crusader….
Oh, as an addendum…..I am a well-know former screamer.
And many times, it is absolutely appropriate.
Oh, what is WRONG with people? Seriously! I think that sort of nonsense deserves formal reprimands — utterly and completely inappropriate. I worry about this very thing when my little girl and her lovely sense of self starts being assaulted by society’s ignorant. People can be so very, very cruel and I’m so sorry that this was just one more thing for you and your sweet family, Tiff. It should never have happened and I wish I could wish it away. Hugs to you!
Yes you should say something.
YES! Kick up a big, noisy they-can’t-ignore-it fuss.
Make the idiot think twice before she opens her mouth to make a 12 year old feel as miserable as she must do to say something nasty like that.
In this day and age, with all the media about dangerous dieting fads in young girls, there’s no excuse for such an insensitive remark.
I have learnt to accept people for who they are…but sadly, no one returns the favour. I know I am not overweight, but I get told all the time that if I lost a few kilos I would look ‘better.’ People say ‘go on, just do some extra exercise and eat healthy, you’ve only got a little bit to lose.’ Why can’t people accept me the way I am as I accept everyone else? I do exercise and eat healthy. It’s just me. I’ve never told anyone that they are too big or small. But I’ve had to cop it all my life because I am just a little bit bigger. (5kg over my bmi)
Since becoming an adult, I’ve had many people come and ask if I’m pregnant because of the extra bit of fat around my tummy. It really really hurts. Why would you ask someone if they were pregnant when you weren’t entirely sure? Aren’t you just asking for trouble? One stranger said ‘Oh…well it just looks like you are pregnant. sorry If I offended you.’ umm…what you just said then even hurt more.
Say something to the teacher…its not their right to say things anyway.
That is so disgusting that a teacher would say that to anyone, let alone a child!
How dare she, make you wonder what other remarks she make, if she thinks that is acceptable to say to a child.
First of all OMG at the comments & treatment you received as a child Tiff. I can somewhat relate not on the weight side of things but I have the typical red hair & freckles ( and to top it off had badly placed teeth) I was not a pretty child. My own father figure would tell me to cover up with the sheet at night so the fly’s would stop crapping on my face!
As for your daughter being told she is big. OMFG who does this teacher think she/he is?! I would act on this & act in a big way. I would ask for a meeting with he teacher & headmaster of the school. Take in figures showing your daughter is of a healthy weight for her height & age etc. Everything that is going to make this teacher look like a fool. Then start with the screaming. Demand a formal apology be made to your daughter. demand that this teacher is made to participate in some kind of course that is going to make them aware of how his/her comments can start a downward spiral into eating disorders. Ask to see what qualification this teacher has in the first place to be making such comments.
Then ask that a programme be put into place at the school educating the staff & students about what is a ideal healthy weight. Showing that magazine stick thin models etc are NOT healthy examples of what a girl should look/be like.
Don’t settle for a simple behind closed doors “sorry”
Yes, how dare she?
Go. Kick up a stink. At the least demand an apology both to your beautiful girl and yourself. To your daughter for telling her that there is something wrong with her and she needs to be fixed and to you for insulting the excellent care that you so obviously provide for your children.
Cow. Her, not you.
hugs to you and your girls
I think a quiet meeting with the teacher and the principal would be appropriate, having an easy chat about how body image remarks are inappropriate and can lead to poor self image and related eating and health disorders. If the teacher then continues to offend, even accidentally, kick up a stink. There’s nothing wrong with any particular body shape anyway. I’ve always wanted to be taller and thinner, but I’m genetically disposed to be short and chunky. A glance at family tree photos shows my ancestors all looking similar and there’s nothing i can do about it. The whole world is in the same boat. Vive la difference!
I would quietly make my displeasure known to the teacher and to the principal.. But I also wouldn’t make too much of a big deal of it at the school..
that said. I am furious with that stupid thoughtless idiotic excuse for a fucktard who certainly isn’t a teacher,… just happens to have a bachelor of education…
that said..I have seen photos of your gorgeous girls and ‘big’ is never a word I would use to describe any of them.
I would use expressions like gorgeous and natural and totally healthy looking girls..
(((hugs))) kim
I agree about having a quiet word at the school, to the teacher. It was an unbelievably idiotic thing for her to say, and she needs to know it. Maybe that won’t erase what she said to your gorgeous girl, but it may stop her from being so utterly moronic and thoughtless in the future.
And kudos to you for teaching your kids to appreciate everyone, no matter their shape.
hugs to you Tiff and kick that teachers butt…how dare she .It saddens me too that your beautiful daughter’s confidence was rocked .I agree with what everyone has said.
I haven’t grown a centimetre since I was in grade six. I felt big at school and I felt very sensitive about it. I was taller than everyone for at least six months. I have felt overweight most of my life- yet sadly when I look at the photo’s of myself as a young woman - I was really only tall, not fat as I felt, but the dieting over the years certainly changed that!
I am sorry this has happened to your gorgeous girl and highly applaud your stance. You are doing all the right things. I have focussed on health with my kids after my own experiences and discuss body image in all my classes (to hell with the curriculum!)
Being that it is only April, I would have a quiet chat with the teacher to work towards improving your daughters experience at school. In December I would tell her she sucks! - if you still feel that way:-) It is definately HER problem.
Most definately you should say something! I fail to see how bringing it up with a TWELVE year old is going to do anything but mess with her poor head. *If* there were an issue, you’d think the appropriate thing to do would be to bring it up with the parents first. Not the my-body-is-already-changing-and-I-am-feeling-increibly-insecure-anyway 12 year old.
I feel awfully for your little girl.
I would probably have a quiet chat with the teacher; also too mentioning what damage her ‘contributions’ can do to a 12 year olds self esteem. Could she have picked a worse time in a girls life to tell her she’s fat??
YOu should definitly talk to the teacher and the principal quietly. In today’s society of eating disorders and health problems in kids how can a teacher say something like that. It’s so hard to be a kid these days.
SAY SOMETHING !!!!!!
Please.
Say something! I went through a similar problem with my step-daughter’s maternal grandmother when Wolver-tween was about 8. Crazy Granny called my house, and told my beautiful girl she was fat. My blood boiled as I watched my girl’s eyes tear up. I told the psycho that if she called my house again I would put out a warrant for her arrest. (She had no need to call my house anyway as she’s Hubby’s ex-wife’s mom - that’s just creepy anyway.) She wisely listened, and my girl has since realized that her granny is mean and irrational. Just hold your ground and explain how hard you’ve worked to instill a positive self-image and healthy habits in your daughter. If that doesn’t get her attention, a change of teachers may be in order (I’m sure the school board would be interested if the teacher & principal don’t toe the line!)
I’m with the stink raisers….