Crazy…
I know you all know I’m crazy, right?
So it will be totally safe to tell you that I have been having these awful nightmares and you will accept that just as you accept that I am as nutty as a fruitcake.
Nightmares are a recent addition for me, as an adult. Sure, I had them as a kid but as an adult they were few and far between (unlike some people, who have recurring dreams about ghost cats in a haunted house - not mentioning any names, but if I said wonderhusband, you would all be smiling and nodding knowingly behind your computer screens, wouldn’t you?).
I started having vivid dreams when I was pregnant with William and the worst part was, they came true. So, when the nightmares come the hair on my arms prickle and I sit up and take notice.
Just a little legacy from Will’s time with me.
Yeah, crazy, right?
Anyhoo, these dreams are freaky and they are about Ivy, of course.
For anyone who doesn’t know, Ivy sleeps in my bed.
She just does, ok.
I don’t like it, it’s squishy and I often ache in new and interesting places, so that I can share my space with the girl but ever since she’s been sick, I’ve stopped fighting it and just let her be. I figured, she’d become a teenager one day and not want to sleep with me anymore.
These dreams come in the small hours and they are about the girl, not breathing.
At all.
They are very graphic and detailed and in the night I get them mixed up with reality sometimes.
The prednisone keeps her temperature very low and as a consequence, she is cold to the touch, even though she is perfectly fine.
And I panic, okay?
There, I said it.
It’s scary and it’s not doing either of us any good.
Or David for that matter because I cry out and wake her and wake him and ask him to get my stethoscope just so I can listen to her little heart beating away and then I can’t get back to sleep for fear that she will, you know, just stop breathing.
I know where this is heading.
It is insomnia inducing and breakdown worthy but what I don’t know is what to do about it.
It feels crazy and yet it doesn’t.
I can break it down. I know just where all the fears are coming from. I know it has everything to do with William dying and with all of the stuff that is going on with the girl, well, it’s just me trying to protect myself because I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t survive.
I can’t even say it.
When those fears whisper in the back of my mind I push them away, make them not so, because we all know if you don’t think about it, it will never ever happen, right?
There is some sense to it all, if that makes…sense.
So here it is; out in the universe, floating around, my sanity (or insanity, depends how you look at it) hanging by a thread.
Be kind, okay, because I haven’t had much sleep and we all know that kind of deprivation makes a girl emotional.
Oh sweetie. Now the only thing I can think of is to sleep with said stethoscope under your pillow, to save waking Ivy in the middle of the night.
Would she tolderate an apnea monitor thingy?
Or or or… Or I don’t know. Nightmares are awful.
huge hugs.
And praying the nightmares away.
I am one of those people that if you present me with a problem, I am at the core of my DNA obligated to try to help. So, assuming you really want suggestions, I will suggest something “earthy-crunchy new agey” and that is projecting mentally the thing you want to have happen vs. fearing the thing you don’t want to have happen. Every time that fearful thought occurs, consciously replace it with the vision of what you want to see - Ivy healthy, Ivy laughing and not suffering from any physical ailments. Especially before you go to sleep, project to the universe the visions of what you wish will be. Spend time telling your own brain that you want to dream beautiful dreams. The universe listens and I firmly believe in putting the positive out there, just in case it helps. I know studies that have been done where people have changed how they dream by doing this. The other thing you can do you have been doing - being Ivy’s advocate and trying to get her healed. Fight harder if that helps. Make sure you are doing everything you think you can possibly do for her, so at the end of the day when you lay your head down, you do so knowing you did everything you could for her. You might be having premonitions, or your unconscious brain is just being a putz and letting the stuff out you manage to suppress during the day. I don’t know if that helps but I feel for you. And offer my positive thoughts and prayers to the powers that be for you!!
I can totally relate - hugs - so words of advice fail me - my dear friend.
I wish I could do more practical things to help you.
It isn’t crazy to be fearful and you aren’t crazy and yet the fear is crazy.
I agree the apnoea monitor might ease some worry … praying these night ‘terrors’ and the insomnia go away soon. Awful …
Not crazy. Just a very worried, stressed and sleep deprived mother.
Knowing a little of your history from what I have read I can understand why these fears are so very real for you but you also have good insight. My very limited knowledge tells me that these are not signs of “craziness”. You know why it’s happening. You’re just having difficulty controlling the way your fears and anxieties are presenting themselves. Totally understandable. I’ll bet your every waking minute is spent looking after everyone else but meanwhile all your emotions, fears, anxieties etc are being suppressed. Have you considered talking to a professional, or at least making time out for you a priority and doing meditation or some sort of relaxation? I’m sure it’s difficult to find any time for yourself but you are the most important person here because you are fighting for the lovely Ivy.
I wish I could do something practical for you rather than just rambling on and telling you what I’m sure you already know. But I can wish you love and hope and of course…..uneventful sleep.
I think we - and I mean we - beat ourselves up too much as mothers.
You just have to do what you have to do… and if that means letting your little one sleep with you, or having a stethoscope by your bed, or whatever - you do it.
No one else is in your shoes - it just has to be what works for you.
Now this might not work for you long term but hey you’re surviving and your little girl is loved and knows that she is - and that’s all you can do. Right?
Love
CB x
You’re not crazy, not by a long chalk.
Motherhood comes with worries and fears. You are not crazy, you are a mother, who has suffered an unspeakable loss, whose girl is sick. It comes with the territory and if I could wave a wand and make it all go away, I would. But you already know that.
I think now is the time to find someone to talk with. I mean how much stress can one Sweet Momma take?
Hang in there Sweet Momma and take deep breaths.
LOVE and HUGS
I wish happy thoughts and prayers could make it all go away. You are completely normal and not at all crazy. I used to have nighttime panic attacks and if my husband even touched me during them I’d scream in terror. In sleep your defenses are down and it’s the only time your brain can process all of the stress you’re going through.
Hang in there it’ll get better.
Oh Sweety you are not crazy. You are suffering from an incurable condition called Motherhood…
Both my kidlets slept with me when they were little. I think that Veronica only stopped coming into my bed in the middle of the night when Dave was born.
Put the stethoscope under your pillow.. I would..
xxxxx Kim xxxxx
After everything you’ve been through…nightmares are to be expected. I hope you get a good thorough night sleep sometime soon…nightmare-free, peaceful dreams.
P.S. I have nightmares too.
Michele’s comment makes perfect sense to me, especially the part about your subconcious releasing it’s fears through dreams. At least you know the cause of your dreams, so you can work through the content and see that they are just your fears and not you going crazy.
Tiff, you’re not crazy. Not an ounce. You are a dedicated, vigilant Mom, and the best one Ivy could have. Dedication and vigilance are what she needs — and it’s going to near suck the life out of you for a while, but I KNOW you can do it. You’re the right girl for this job.
For the record, I STILL have nightmares. I STILL get up and check to make sure my kids are breathing and listen to heart beats. I STILL touch foreheads in the middle of the night, testing for warmth of life. I STILL have a baby monitor in my 5-year-old’s room so I can sleep to the sound of her breathing.
If you’re crazy, then I’m certifiable.
And a thought… would your Paed OK the use of a heart rate monitor? They are less expensive and less touchy than an oximeter apnea monitor, but they are worth their weight in gold for peace of mind. They attach around the ribcage with a velcro chest strap and will alarm for either inadequate respiration rate or for high or low heart rate. I insisted on one until we had it written in a medical chart that Jacqui was no longer considered at risk for swelling around her trachea. I think given what happened with Ivy on the dapsone you could make a very strong case for a heart rate monitor.
I know you have bad feelings about Ivy, but with our history (yours and mine), it is only natural (not craziness) that sub-concious fears and anxieties manifest themselves in our dreams (and nightmares.) Sleep deprivation doesn’t help either. But know this, Ivy is meant to BE! She will weather all storms because she is tough and courageous (just like her mum) and the love, care and hope that surrounds her WILL sustain her.
I’m not sure if you want to put an end to the nightmares or not. As horrible as they are, I get the feeling that there is something more to them for you given the premonitions that you had with William. And that is understandable.
But if you want to get rid of the nightmares, have you considered hypnotherapy??? I know it sounds a bit weird and out there but it is all about your subconscious - the same place that our dreams stem from. I don’t know if it can help, it was just a thought that I had today while thinking of you.
If you want to know more from someone who has had hypnotherapy and lived to tell the tale, without doing embarrassing things on stage, then please email me