About becoming a shut-in…
Seriously.
We are supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend but I haven’t seen my friend for so long now, I feel that I shouldn’t go. Besides that, when I think about getting out amongst people my heart jumps into my throat. The thought of mingling with other people makes me nervous.
Sick nervous.
It hasn’t always been this way. I used to be a social creature, who needed to get out and be with others but as I become increasingly overwhelmed with Ivy’s illness I feel ’safer’, for want of a better word, staying at home.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get out. I have to. The kids have after school activities and of course there are all the doctor’s appointments but when it comes to being social, I suck.
Alot.
I used to be good at holding a conversation, making my thoughts and ideas known but now I find it is easier to be quiet.
It seems the phobia for staying inside has made all my other little quirks twice as bad.
I worry about what I say, I think what comes out of my mouth sounds weird or unimportant or just plain dumb.
I worry what I look like to others. That I am not good enough in some way.
I just worry.
Weird, I know.
The sad thing is, it’s starting to be more than just around strangers.
My family, my friends, in particular, my own husband, who I have known for years and knows me inside and out, I suddenly feel inadequate around. Like nothing I say holds any interest. I feel like I’ve said it all and I’ve exhausted all new avenues of conversation without sounding like a total train wreck.
It’s better to just be quiet.
I’m really struggling. (insert nervous laugh and wonder if I am divulging too much of my inner thoughts to even the most forgiving of universes).
Psychotic?
No…maybe…I don’t know anymore.
In losing myself, through having to give up work and being confined, often, to the four walls of a hospital room, I have just lost my confidence in who I am, I think.
Maybe I just need a holiday, time to reassess.
Also, a period of wellness for Ivy might be good.
Might help.
I am typing at the kitchen table waiting for another friend to arrive with lunch and I feel as though I am going to throw up. Try as I might to deter her from ‘doing lunch’ she is insistant that we catch up. I cancelled my going to her house (she is a chef) and so she is bringing lunch here.
Part of me is very grateful to have such a wonderful friend, who will go the extra mile for me but another part is worried that I am not good enough for her…for anyone, really.
My maternal grandmother had very bad agoraphobia in the last years of her life. It makes me think that maybe there is a little mental health issue going on here and that a trip to the prescriber of the crazy pills might not be such a bad idea.
Ugh, I don’t know.
Do you have funny quirks and phobias?
Please tell and make an old shut - in feel better.
Dearest Tiff, You are as articulate and as interesting as any woman I know. You just need some ‘you’ time. You just need some “take care of Tiff because Tiff is worth taking care of” time. Don’t over-analyze yourself or your situation. Given the load you bear and the things you deal with, you couldn’t be anything BUT insanely healthy and strong. Self doubt is normal. It proves your real strength.
Lou
Hugs Tiff!
I think going to the wedding could be the best things for you.
It is easy to not go, to avoid situations that make you feel sick, but it is important to keep putting yourself out there. But only you would know if it would be too much for you.
I was agoraphobic, still am I guess, but I am getting better. It started very slowly, exactly how you describe, but soon got to the point I couldn’t even check my own mailbox.
Self doubt is normal. But don’t let it become all consuming. I don’t know you all that well, but even I can tell you are a fabulous, caring human being, and I love reading your blog, so you must have something interesting to say
Take care darl, and feel free to email me.
It seems we have more in common than just kids with ED huh.
Kirstie
I have been worried about you … still I agree 100% with Iceel.
I have missed you too. (hugs) We need to catch up soon.
I think it’s normal to feel at least some apprehension about going out amongst people if you haven’t had the chance for a while. Social skills are usually more “learnt” (in my opinion) than “natural” so if you’ve been out of circulation it can make it hard.
HOWEVER, it can also be an indication that you’re suffering from a more severe level of depression. Not mental illness in the sense that you’re “crazy”. More a “you’ve been under a LOT of stress lately and there’s only so much our bodies can cope with” kind of a thing.
{{{HUGS}}}
Too TOO many to count. I am a crazy person, for sure.
Shut in or not, we will come to you.
Hang in Sweet Momma.
I command you to enjoy your lunch!!!
Hmmmm, quirks and phobias. I have to cut apples and pears in order to eat them. They have to be cut in a certain way and I have to eat them in a certain order.
The same with sandwiches.
I am terrified. ABSOLUTELY terrified of centipedes.
And I get paranoid very very easily and don’t have a friend willing to go the extra mile, which in turn makes me more paranoid.
I can only imagine what you are feeling completely, but the paranoia and this - “I worry about what I say, I think what comes out of my mouth sounds weird or unimportant or just plain dumb.” is me all over.
I find myself avoiding my mothers group and not talking if I do go along.
(((hugs)))
I agree with what Lightening said. Getting back into circulation can be hard. You’re also not the only one who thinks what they say sounds weird or dumb and most of all unimportant. There are so many of us out here who think this way. I’m guessing it’s one reason why blogging is so popular. It isn’t face to face communication, therefore writing what you want to say and reading replies is much easier and it gives you time to formulate replies that won’t sound weird or dumb. There is no reacting facial expression to “put you off” or embarrass you. I much prefer to stay at home, alone if possible, than to get out there and talk to people. Probably that’s why I’m not happy in my job. As a checkout girl I HAVE to talk to my customers, at the very least, hello, how are you and how would you like to pay for this? With my more regular customers there’s even actual conversation……..I think that when your friend arrives with lunch you could maybe have a heart-to-heart and explain your fears and why you cancelled lunch at her house. I bet she will understand and will keep going that extra mile to help you through this. Hang in there, it’s bound to get easier.
Oh I have a real fear of going out the front door all the time.
But as someone said, going to the wedding, going on the weekend, meeting up with friends - is the best thing in the world to do really when that fear is holding us in.
Because it is listening to that fear that allows it to go one step further.
So instead of someone you know or don’t know saying “how interesting” and holding a conversation and finding out the gem that you are, fear is allowed to wrap you up with many “I am not good enoughs” and pretty soon it will be feasting on any self-esteem you dare to hold close.
I am so glad that your friend is good enough and values you - yes, YOU - enough to bring you lunch today.
I say these words not because I love to lecture total strangers, but because they are the words I have to say to myself (or find friends to do so for me) often.
I feel the same way since being so sick myself. I didn’t realise I’d been shutting myself off until I read your post and thought about my own behaviour though. Sending you giant hugs.
You sound like me 4 years ago.
You aren’t mental honey, you are highly stressed and high stress over long periods can do funny things to our heads. And socialising uses a lot of energy, we don’t have energy to spare when we are highly stressed for long times.
A chat with your GP for you, about you, might be in order. I didn’t end up on crazy people pills, I wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t cracking up. But I used to pop in to see my GP once a month for a chat. We’d talk. He’d ask me how I was doing, I told him up the shit. He’d listen and explain to me why my hair was falling out in clumps, I’d decompress a little and that was enough to keep me going. That might be all you need.
If you don’t feel up to the wedding, then don’t go, but please, go see your GP or someone you can trust.
huge hugs
Dearest Tiff,
Though you don’t know me, really you do. I am you.
I have not had the issues of child health that you have to deal with constantly, but I am you, really truly!
When I was bringing up my children I also had doubts about my worth, my ability to entertain or hold a decent conversation… and I became the same way as you, not wanting to socialise for fear of it getting out that I was a boring fart.
It turns out I wasn’t. I can assure you that you are not a boring fart either.
It’s difficult to have self confidence when you are around kids all day. When they are well, it is all consuming, but when in your situation, with a major health issue to deal with, I can only imagine how physically and emotionally draining it would be.
There is also the issue, when you go out, that someone is going to ask ‘How’s the kids?”. Sometimes, enough is enough. You don’t want to be telling all and sundry about your everyday issues, you just want to go out and have fun. As much love as you have for your children, you need to be a person yourself and people can start to identify you by your children, or your husband. That can be enough to make you want to stay indoors in itself.
I see you as a perfectly normal, concerned mother.
Having said that, if you are seriously doubting your mental health, I would recommend you talk to a professional. What can it hurt? It could make you feel a lot better about yourself.
Cheers and big hugs
Kerri
Oh and I meant to add, socialising not only uses energy but requires us to be in situations that we can’t always control (people being the unpredictable things they are) that’s why staying at home in our sheltered world is so much easier when we are stressed. It allows us to maintain some control.
See? You aren’t mad at all
more hugs
I agree with all of the above. You have some truly wonderful friends.
I had post natal depression after having my children and can really relate to your feelings of not wanting to go out, feeling as though you have nothing worthwhile to say, worried about not fitting in etc…. I felt that because all my energies were focussed primarily on my babies and their health and trying to keep myself on an even keel that I forgot how to have a normal or even mundane conversation. As a non working mum I lost contact with my colleagues as I felt I no longer had anything to contribute and I lost more of my confidence. Then in turn I started to feel uncomfortable around friends.The issues were to do with weight and body image, lack of confidence etc. Too quickly it became easier to stay at home or just do play dates and essential outings with the kids.
I still feel uncomfortable in many social situations but I am learning to bite the bullet and put myself out there in the least uncomfortable of situations. And it does get easier. Hang in there. There is nothing wrong with you that peace, relaxation and nurturing won’t heal. Oh, and time. Give yourself time. Find someone to talk to regularly either friend or professional and nurture yourself as you do your family. You are just as important.
Oh, and other quirks and phobias? Too many to mention…seriously!!
Big big hugs to you.
“Yep what they said…”
It is coincidental that I was only thinking about this same thing this morning. I am going to a quiz night tomorrow night . I am as nervous as hell about going. I have put on heaps of weight and I am nervous…..I am off the grog (again) so I wont even have the security of a couple of beers to help me relax..
mmmm (((hugs)))) kim
I agree with all of the above. I just made a major excuse to get out of playgroup becuase I just don’t feel like I have anything to say to the other moms and I feel lonely when I’m there so I’d rather stay home and spend time with my son. Or my bloggy friends. I have to say, go see someone if it’s bothering you. The worst that will happen is you’re right and they will help you feel better. THe best, you’re wrong and you can just keep going trying to make the best out of a rough time in your life. I went a few months ago and am now on “crazy pills” and am finally starting to feel better. I find myself being happy and silly and joyful for the first time in a long time. Sometimes it just helps to hear that it’ll all be ok in the end. Lots of love and hugs. You’ll be ok and you’re not going crazy. God bless!!
Babe, when Boo was diagnosed I threw myself into his therapy and did nothing for me for over a year. I forgot how to have a conversation that didn’t involve Autism in some way.
This is where you are heading. Purely because of the love of your children.
Harsh as it may sound, you need to suck it up and go out. Get out of the house away from the kids even if it is just for an hour.
It will get a little bit easier every time.
Just do it. Believe me. You need to.
After more than two decades of being an Army wife, meeting and chatting with new people, other people, random people is mostly not too hard, but I often find myself not thinking of what I said that made them laugh, but what I think was a stupid thing to say, I kick myself in the butt for being a moron. Endlessly repeat the one sentence out of an entire evening that I think I shouldn’t have said…
It has been a real effort to not focus on that one sentence — especially since it usually wasn’t anything in the first place, if I really honestly think about it — or it was just me, and not everyone likes me. I am sometimes kinda noisy, I rarely take anything seriously, I don’t give a straight answer if I have a smart ass one.
People with little or no sense of humor really tend not to like me much at all. Which is okay, since people with little or no sense of humor are boring and tedious and OMG so freaking serious all the time. Pragmatic and humorless people and I have a mutual dislike thing going on.
Which is fine. Now. After lots of years of beating myself up over the stupid things I say, I gradually forced myself to think of the positive reactions I get instead of thinking of my own negative reactions. I remember that the occasional negative reactions are far outweighed by the positive.
Example two…I loved flying. It was fun (it was also the 80’s. Remember the 80’s? There was actually leg room and empty seats on planes.) Then I had a really quite scary take off and turbulent flight and suddenly I hated flying. Loathed it. Every bit of turbulence made me a quivering panic ball of goo. (Inside, because I am also very Scandinavian and Minnesotan and Lutheran, and we don’t do the big emotional scene thing. Way embarrassing.)
Then a couple months ago I was flying somewhere — because even though I hate flying, I love going places, and I refuse to let anything as stupid as my own dumb phobias stop me — and I just decided I was enabling myself to be a big dope about flying.
Amazingly enough, I was able to stop myself being that big panic ball of goo about turbulence. I still hate flying, and am relieved when we are on the ground, but I don’t panic any more. Plus I love airports — something about the energy and the purpose and the possibilities just make them so interesting. If I don’t fly, I don’t get to go to airports.
Oh, hell, now I sound like I am telling you to buck up. That’s not what I am saying. I had a run of about six months where everything went wrong — from my son failing science to the driver’s door handle snapping off (it’s so fun — I get to roll my window down to open the car door from the outside…) to a massive screw up with the insurance so I couldn’t get my very necessary drug treatments for several months.
At some point the stress gets so bad, the hits keep coming to the point where you have no reserves. You feel like the next problem is the one that is going to snap you in two and you will be in a heap hiding in the corner of your closet.
Crap. I had a point when I started writing this. I lost it somewhere about eighty paragraphs ago…
I don’t know what it was.
(See? I am full of quirkiness and craziness. I am also mildly HDD and OCD, so I get obsessive about stuff, but I can’t stay focused on anything for all that long, so my obsessions tend to morph and change over time. It also means I lose my train of thought halfway through writing the world’s longest comment…)
There’s some really good advice up there in the comments before mine. If you were a boring uninteresting old fart, Tiff, would all of us be here reading your blog? Nope. I mean, you have all these great shots of your adorable children, you take absolulutely fab-u-lous photos, Noah and Ivy are among the world’s most cutest toddlers, so how boring and uninteresting can you possibly be?
Oh, yeah, back to the heap in the closet…I just told my husband and a couple close friends that life was utter shit and it helped. I got up every morning and gradually it got less horrible. A couple of good things happened and I started to feel like I could cope again.
So maybe your solution is to just say to your husband or your friend with the lunch or somebody that you feel horrible and boring and uninteresting and they’ll go “dude, it is about time you noticed that….we have been trying to tell you that for months.” Wait, no, that’s not what they will say. They will say you are not boring, that you are going through a most horrible time, and if you feel you need to see a doc, maybe that’s a good idea.
(And if they do say the first thing, have a kangaroo kick them into the next county. Do you have counties in Australia? And suddenly my own insecurities strike and I think “Is Tiff Australian? Or is she going to think I am some kind of sad idiot who doesn’t know a damn thing? Is her name Tiff, or am I confusing her with somebody else? ” And I have to go back and check, so I am not some sad idiot.)
Right now, you get to be selfish. You get to be focused on Ivy and your other adorable kidlets, and if people find that boring, you get to find them tedious and hard-hearted. When things are better, when life is not so horribly stressful, then you can worry about being fun and interesting and appealing to random adults.
You don’t have to be all things to all people. You don’t even have to try.
Geez. I have written the world’s longest comment here! Sorry!
Who doesn’t have a bit of this group scenario anxiety? Just put yourself out there, we need to work at being part of a bigger circle, no matter how magical and fulfilling our inner circle is.
Hugs.
I know i’m repeating a bunch of people, but I find that when live overwhelms me, I can’t handle any extra life at all. I shut everyone out. I think you’ll be fine once things slow down.
((Hugs))
Gosh, I am a shut in. It’s great.
I so relate to this post.
And what people have written is true.
((Hugs)) Be kind to yourself.
You know, Tiff — I think what you’re going through is completely normal. At least, I hope it is, because I’ve been through it too. I think when you have a kiddo with extreme medical issues going on, it just absorbs so much of you. Your focus, your energy, your thoughts… everything wrapped up in being what your child needs. Everything else takes a back seat and you feel removed — detached from the world.
Ken and I still joke about not knowing how to interact in social settings. We had so many years where it was all doctor appointments and ransacking the medical world for answers.
You know what I think? I think you are a bright, funny, witty, charming, and beautiful lady. You’ve got it all, girl — but the social scene just isn’t your focus right now. You’re focused on being an A-list mom in some of the toughest circumstances I know of and I’m proud to know you. I think you’re going to be just fine!