Seriously.

We are supposed to be going to a wedding this weekend but I haven’t seen my friend for so long now, I feel that I shouldn’t go. Besides that, when I think about getting out amongst people my heart jumps into my throat. The thought of mingling with other people makes me nervous.

Sick nervous.

It hasn’t always been this way. I used to be a social creature, who needed to get out and be with others but as I become increasingly overwhelmed with Ivy’s illness I feel ’safer’, for want of a better word, staying at home.

Don’t get me wrong, I still get out. I have to. The kids have after school activities and of course there are all the doctor’s appointments but when it comes to being social, I suck.

Alot.

I used to be good at holding a conversation, making my thoughts and ideas known but now I find it is easier to be quiet.

It seems the phobia for staying inside has made all my other little quirks twice as bad.

I worry about what I say, I think what comes out of my mouth sounds weird or unimportant or just plain dumb.

I worry what I look like to others. That I am not good enough in some way.

I just worry.

Weird, I know.

The sad thing is, it’s starting to be more than just around strangers.

My family, my friends, in particular, my own husband, who I have known for years and knows me inside and out, I suddenly feel inadequate around.  Like nothing I say holds any interest. I feel like I’ve said it all and I’ve exhausted all new avenues of conversation without sounding like a total train wreck.

It’s better to just be quiet.

I’m really struggling. (insert nervous laugh and wonder if I am divulging too much of my inner thoughts to even the most forgiving of universes).

Psychotic?

No…maybe…I don’t know anymore.

In losing myself, through having to give up work and being confined, often, to the four walls of a hospital room, I have just lost my confidence in who I am, I think.

Maybe I just need a holiday, time to reassess.

Also, a period of wellness for Ivy might be good.

Might help.

I am typing at the kitchen table waiting for another friend to arrive with lunch and I feel as though I am going to throw up. Try as I might to deter her from ‘doing lunch’ she is insistant that we catch up. I cancelled my going to her house (she is a chef) and so she is bringing lunch here.

Part of me is very grateful to have such a wonderful friend, who will go the extra mile for me but another part is worried that I am not good enough for her…for anyone, really.

My maternal grandmother had very bad agoraphobia in the last years of her life. It makes me think that maybe there is a little mental health issue going on here and that a trip to the prescriber of the crazy pills might not be such a bad idea.

Ugh, I don’t know.

Do you have funny quirks and phobias?

Please tell and make an old shut - in feel better.

Does anyone else have an obsession with gorgeous shirts?

No?

Just me?

How about vintage materials…

How about a mix of both?

 Rachael from Grandy and Baa made these gorgeous shirts for Ivy and Noah.

You can find Rachael through Etsy. She is Australian and her work is super hot, right now.

The long sleeve shirts are adorable and affordable and Ivy and Noah love them. In fact, I had to order another Big Breakfast shirt because they both wanted that one!

What’s more is that I love them (and you all know how a well dressed toddler makes me feel all warm and fuzzy).

Here are my models, showing off, so you can see what I’m talking about. This is not a paid advertisment, I just love Rachael’s work and thought I would share.

This one is called The Big Breakfast. Noah calls the bacon ‘barkin’ and the baked beans ‘dog beans’. Don’t ask. I don’t know why.

This is Ivy’s favourite shirt, although I haven’t put her in the Shirley Stegasaurus shirt yet. Am saving that for the paed visit on Monday. Think that might take it’s place. What can I say? She likes her creatures big and slow… could be an indicator in what she might look for in a man later on down the track…maybe.

Here she is in her rhino shirt. Noah has a matching shirt (it’s a twin thing - sometimes you just have to buy into the matching business) in boy colours. Regina and Reggie rhino. Gorgeous. No photos of Reggie though because he has been worn and is waiting to be washed.

This is Noah’s ‘dino shirt’. Also a hot fave but has to go with jeans ( note to self: dino shirts and pirate pants don’t go).

Edited to add; making her debut this morning, Shirley Stegasaurus. I loved dinos when I was growing up. I had a brontosaurus shirt that I wore to death. I still remember the bright canary yellow of that shirt like it was yesterday, so having dinos on my babies is pure icing. Thanks Rach!

.