Dear William,
Dear William,
Wow, you’re four years old. Where has that time gone? It has disappeared into the days, months, years since you came and left. Five days is not alot to have you in my life but they are five days I will cherish forever.
It’s hard to imagine what you would look like now, although when I look at your little brother, I get an idea. You would definitely have had those eyes that all the others have and that cleft in the chin. Yours was quite pronounced, like Imogen’s. They say that means the person is flirty…yeah, I can see you that way. Noah is flirty. He likes the brunettes, perhaps you would have too. I imagine your hair might have been wispy though. I don’t know why I feel that when I think of you. I have nothing to base it on. All the other kids have thick hair but I just get a feeling yours would have been different.
It’s your nature, your personality I will never know, something I will always have to guess, until we meet again of course.
When I close my eyes and think of you, I imagine the sweetest little boy, not an ‘old soul’ as Ivy is but a little guy who looks at the world with new wonder. It might be the smallest thing that amazes you, a bug, the clouds but I imagine the world would surprise and even bewilder you sometimes. I think you would be like Maddy that way. A little niave about things and trusting too. It’s a nice way to be, son. It was my way too.
I know you would have loved your cuddles, all my babies do. Even Lily, who is the least demonstrative, will sidle up for a quiet snuggle. You would not have been any different there.
If you were anything like Noah and your Daddy, you would have a mischievious streak as well.
I think about you alot, you know.
Not as much as I should.
Not as much as I would have had you stayed here with us but alot and I think about whether you would like books or TV or if you would adore the outside, like Noah does. Would you love music and sing? That seems to be another family trait. Would you be artistic, as all the girls are or would you be a gadget boy, like your Daddy and your brother?
I can ponder these things but I will never know.
I know I haven’t been up to visit your grave for a long time. I am sorry but at the moment I can’t.
It hurts too much.
I used to go all the time but now I can’t feel you there anymore and I can’t remember your smell or the weight of you and that grave is a very physical reminder that you are missing.
I hope you can see that I still love you more than I can express.
While I’m saying sorry can I just apologise for not being able to bath you after you died.
I just couldn’t do that one thing for you. I blew it and I will regret it forever. I know the nurse washed you but that was my task as your Mummy and I just couldn’t.
Sorry son.
I wish for all the world that I could take back time and do that one thing for you, Lord knows I let you down in every other way as your Mum.
I hope you had a lovely birthday, Will.
We celebrated for you, as best we could. It would have been better if you were here.
Thanks for sending me the little man and the Ivy-girl. They certainly helped to piece my heart back together.
There’s still a hole though.
There always will be.
Mummy xxx
This was very sweet. As I was reading though, I had a whisper of a feeling…..I wonder if William will come back to you, as a grandson perhaps. Just a feeling I had when you wrote that you could no longer feel him at his grave……….
Oh, but you haven’t let him down in every other way, Tiff. You haven’t. You have loved him… selflessly, wholeheartedly, irretrievably. Love is what he needed and you have given it lavishly. You haven’t let him down, Tiff. I believe with my whole soul that he left knowing how desperately you loved him ~ how you love him still.
Hugs and prayers, Tiff
~Michelle
I believe that William loves you as much as you love him. I believe he knows you did everything you possibly could and that you keep him alive in your heart. I believe that William doesn’t think you did anything wrong. I believe that even if you think you owe him an apology, he would forgive you. I believe he would want you to forgive yourself.
Oh sweety, what a beautiful letter for your boy. He’ll be watching over you all I’m sure of it. I really hope some day you can relieve yourself of the blame you feel is yours because it’s anything but. xx
(((hugs)))
Oh hun, I know you blame yourself and I know that me telling you not to won’t make a whit of difference.
There really are no words. This was beautiful.
Happy birthday sweet baby. That was a beautiful beautiful letter Tiff. You are an inspiration. As for you feeling that you have let William down, William was one of the most loved babies I have ever read about. Your love for him was very obvious. He knows this. He felt your love in the womb and in his precious life. Im sure that instead of feeling like you let him down in any way, he feels your huge love for him. XOXO
What a beautiful letter for your son, I’m sure he loved it. I also believe that he is watching over you all, and knows how dearly you love him.
Hugs for you Tiff, you’re a terrific mum xoxo
Tiff that was beautiful - I can feel William would have been just as cute as Noah , a lovable munchin, full of rough and tumble too.
I know where has 4 years gone…I feel it too. In the blink of an eye.
You never let him down - William only knew your love - please put down the stick you have beaten yourself up enough.
We do not need a special day to bring
you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake we
know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
as we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
no one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you,
your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
in death we love you still.
Yes , thank God for Noah and Ivy - I think I know what you mean about them piecing your heart back together … but not filling the hole.
Love & Hugs
Trish
hugs Tiff.
*HUG* Let him down? You never. Mourn him? Yes. Blame yourself? You shouldn’t.
*HUG* There are seven other little lives which depend on you. *HUG* It’s always easy to look back and say ‘would have, should have, could have’. No one could have loved him more. That’s what’s important. No one could have mourned him more completely. That also is important. You need to stop beating yourself up. That is even more important. *HUG*
I have never experienced a loss of this magnitude and yet as a mother I understand. Not fully, but a teeny bit. My heart swells with empathy and love for you and your family.
We know not why and yet we have to soldier on. Peace sweet momma. This New England momma is sending her love!
Oh tiff.. We all have 20/20 hindsight… sometimes the things that we regret most are the things that we actually were not physically capable of at the time…
If only.. If only.. If only..
I think that those two words should be banned..
The tears that I am shedding now.. are tears for all the If onlys..
the smile that I have now is for you… for me.. for everyone..
((((((hugs)))))))
what a beautiful letter..
very touching..
hugs..
Out of all the mothers that God could have chosen for William, he chose you.
Why ??
Because he KNEW that out of all the mothers in the world, you were the best for William, no one else would do.
Much love.