April 2nd is always going to be a big day. It should be. It’s our son’s birthday.

After alot of worry and tears we settled on  a late lunch on the beach. We had a cake and we sang happy birthday to our angel boy.

It was sweet.

He made his presence felt with the very low fly over of the Westpac Helicopter, the very same that was supposed to chopper him out to Westmead on that fateful night. The sound of that helicopter always makes me shudder. ALWAYS. Apparently it’s all a part of this traumatic birth deal.

After lunch we had professional photos taken. A lovely, lovely photographer, Renee Moore, was patient enough to capture the Seven Little Australians. I can’t wait to see them. There were even some with David and I.

Wow! If you ever need a photographer, and you are in the Newcastle area, we can highly recommend her.

The evening sunset was glorious on the beach and the weather was beautiful. We let the kids go in the water for an evening swim and as I watched them together, I couldn’t help but feel melancholy, for the little guy who was missing and alot of love for the earth angels.

They have kept me going, kept me mindful that it’s not just me who is hurting.

They have lost too, a brother, parts of their childhood, parts of the old Mummy.

They keep me grounded. I am thankful for that and for them.

Ivy started the Dapsone today as well and so, I have just one ask for my angel boy tonight and I know it’s his birthday but if he could just grant me this wish…

Please watch over her. Please. And keep her safe.

Happy Birthday, gorgeous boy. I love you.

Four candles should burn brightly today in celebration.

The soft glow enveloping your small, pale face and big blue eyes. Filled with wonder and a new understanding. Of birthdays and life and all the important things, like snails and mud and which brand of Peanut Butter you like better and whether Captain Feathersword is funnier than Wags The Dog.

Four candles should be yours today with a wish and a dream attached to every one.

A lime green dinosaur cake with a black smartie eye and spearmint leaf spines. You might have asked me, before the party, if you could have the tail and I would have given you the biggest hug and said, of course, it’s your birthday.

Four candles should be yours today and as you blow them out, in overly dramatic puffs of boyish air, you would feel the love of your big sisters and cousins… and maybe even your little brother and sister too.

You would feel the warmth of their hugs circling you. You would secretly enjoy their attention but you would never show it because big boys who are turning four are tough. They can’t be seen to love too hard.

Except with their Mummy.

Four candles, my son. Where have those years gone?

Four candles, my boy. Has it only been four years?

Submitted as part of Mamablogga’s GWP for April