On sickness, not going away and breaking point…
It seems that Ivy and I have relaxed just enough to make us both sick.
She physically and me emotionally.
I am not sure I can cope with her being unwell now.
Not now.
Not any time in the next six weeks or so.
But she is.
And I have to deal with it.
Because.
Just because I am the mother.
Yesterday I had the world’s biggest panic attack and I haven’t had one of those in such a long, long time.
There was nothing to trigger it.
Nothing obvious, except the last six months of doctor yuckiness and second guessing myself as a Mum. Nothing obvious except that William’s birthday is coming and my whole self is being engulfed by his presence.
It is really just an adrenalin rush, the panic attack. An overdose of it, if you will, and you get the sweating and heart palpitations and the dizziness. All the physical signs of the emotional turmoil coming to the surface.
I hate them though.
They are an open sign of the crazies.
For me.
So, the girl’s ears are bad and she is throwing up her antibiotic and her poo is gross, runny and black (because she is on the iron and because she has gone back on the Erythromycin - I know Mary, I know). She is back on the EES because she started vomiting the Bactrim and she spiked a temp. Now she is not stomaching that either.
Her tummy is just so tender.
We were hoping to go away this Easter but all of our funds are sadly depleted from ongoing medical expenses and Dave just cannot see a way around it. He is stressed about money, which I completely understand and support and I am stressed about everything else.
Which brings me to my point.
My breaking point.
I wonder if others can feel it coming.
When they reach the end of their tethers and they know that if something doesn’t give something is going to give.
I can feel myself getting agitated and short with the children. I can feel that…lump…just under the surface.
You know that knot?
It just keeps growing, balling itself up, until eventually, it will cause an obstruction and all the panic, anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, horror will come bubbling out. As harsh words, as ‘what about me’s’ as emotional breakdown.
If I don’t tend to this node, do something to ease the pressure… I don’t know, really.
Please tell me that it’s normal. Please tell me you all know what I am talking about. Please tell me I’m not at breaking point yet.
My breaking point came last February. Over something not nearly as important as yours.
I asked for help, finally. Simple as that. I couldn’t do it on my own anymore.
If you need to - ask.
xxx
We all have breaking points. And different breaking points over different things. It is so hard when things just keep coming at you. It is then that you must realize that you are just one person, and you can do just so much. The marriage partnership notwithstanding, you are just one person. There are some elements of the things you’re dealing with which are shared with your husband, but even then, YOU are the one that’s dealing with your share of those issues. And then there are the issues that come to you, alone. Things he does not or cannot share. Not because he wouldn’t - he just can’t. Like I tell Annie when things get hectic, just pick ‘em off, one at a time. Take things one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
You are such a good person. You are such a great MOM. Don’t sell yourself short. I know that I couldn’t do what you do, I’m sure most people couldn’t.
Tiff, you described it so well. You are not alone in having breaking points. If I knew how to stop them from coming I would tell you. But I don’t. Just that, sometimes things feel much better after it finally comes. I cry for an hour, call my mom and close friends and just sob because I don’t know what else to do.
Oh and I know just what you mean about the panic attacks. I haven’t had a full blown one for a few months but I’ve felt them trying to come on lately.
I know how you are feeling. I can see it. I can feel it. Sometimes that feeling of despair, hopelessness, inability to see a way out, of teetering on the edge of insanity comes to everyone. It IS normal when things get on top of you. You just feel like getting away from it all & hope it was all a dream & will all go away & resolve itself but deep down, you know full well that’s not going to be the case. Then, it seems, something (who’s to know what) happens that pulls us back from the edge, restores our sanity, our faith, our hope & we go on, because we know we have to. My heart goes out to you & my thoughts are with you & I want to wave a magic wand to make everything alright if I only had the power. xoxo
OMG, Tiff I am constantly amazed by your strength. I get to breaking point just when my little ones spike a fever, let alone all the extra stuff you are dealing. You are absolutely normal, if anything I think you are holding things together way better than most mothers. If you need to cry or scream or just let it all out, it’s OK to do that. We’re all here to listen and pass a virtual tissue. xxxxxx
You are doing a great job Tiff.. but you don’t have to do it all..
Leave all the children with dave for a few hours on saturday or sunday .
and go for a walk.. ALL ALONE..ALL BY YOURSELF…..
or a swim or Something.. just to be all alone.. without any children or husbands or pets or housework…
I think that you need to organize some ‘ME’ Time..
(((hugs))) Kim xxx
Normal, normal, norrrrr-malllll…. sing it with me, Tiff!
Please, you’ve got to be normal, or I am totally bonkers cukoo-nuts! I don’t even know what week of this wretched bug we are on. My youngest came down with the ears situation Friday and we’ve got the antibiotic induced pukies and yucky-poos too. And I’m STILL on prednisone and losing. My. Mind. (heeeeeelllllpppp meeeeeeeeeeee)
That probably wasn’t a very reassuring post on the topic of normalcy… *sigh*
Oh sweetie. I think we all get to breaking point eventually. Mine is always over much smaller things than yours. You are such an amazing woman.
(((hugs))) and remember, I am here if you want to talk.
Yes you are completely normal. While I don’t have panic attacks, (that’s my husband’s problem), I do have breaking points. Mostly after seeing him through another PA. A couple of times a year, like Summer, I have days when I just cry for a couple of hours until I fall asleep. Unlike her I don’t have anyone to phone and cry to……..Hubby is confused and wants to know “what’s wrong?” Most of the time I don’t know myself what’s wrong, it seems to be a build up of little things. Of course I can’t tell him that the stress of coping with him is most of the problem.
Tiff,
Please look after yourself.
Forget about other people’s problems for a bit, no one expects you to look after them, just your family.
Focus on them.
With your panic attacks and anxiety, I know from experience that talking it out with someone who can just discuss it rationally with you is a great help.
I’ve been there.
Please talk to someone, anyone. You WILL feel a weight off, and have more energy to tackle the challenges of being a mam to a troop of monkeys
You’ve certainly saved my sanity over the last day or so, please think of yourself.
-X
hugs Tiff!!
Normal yes, but stressful nonetheless.
Please please do something for yourself. Take some time, get a break, pamper yourself somehow, talk to someone do something anything that allows you to decompress a bit.
Normal, yep. Not alone, yep. At breaking point? Well you know even if you are that is ok. I have only been reading your blog for a little while but I am amazed by how strong you are…. It’s ok to have breaking moments…. so be kind to yourself.
Sweet Momma,
Take one thing at a time. Ask for help and feel. William’s birthday is real, so feel it, grieve him, love him and know that there is a plan that is far greater than you and I will ever understand. It is all ok to feel. You have a lot going on - as if I need to tell you - just ride it. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
Regarding breaking points - we are still catching up from my being without a paycheck. I have made our financial goals even smaller than when I first went full time at my job. Our goal now is to not bounce any checks. Yesterday I was accosted by a very well meaning coworker about the tires on my car. They are B A L D, may as well be banana peels, it is another expense. I thought I would cry on the spot. Every phone call we get is from someone to whom we owe money. It is all just too much. And then I remember…we have enough. The kids are fed, happy and warm in their cozy beds. Our mortgage is paid, the rest can wait. We are a team, Jer and I together we will weather this storm.
So I know EXACTLY what you mean. Don’t doubt yourself as a Mum, you are a champion. I would imagine that just writing this post has made you feel a little better.
Hang on Sweet Momma we are all here cheering you on and we will be here to lift you up if you need!
Tiff-
You are in my thoughts daily, although I don’t reach out to you as much as I should. I have been at the brink myself these days, and have questioned daily whether today will be the day that I hit “rock bottom” and there is nowhere to go but up. Each day seems to get filled with more badness that goes beyond the lowest low of the day before. I say this only to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have friends and family who love you and will support you no matter what. On the days you can’t bear it, take one look at your beautiful kids, they make everything worth it. The only thing that gets me through some days is to look into the bright face of my son, and think of what a treasure he is.
I will point out that some of what you are feeling might be compounded by the fact that you aren’t on meds anymore. I know that each time I decide go off them, once I am “clear-headed”, everything seems so extreme, the drama of life seems so overwhelming. I think that if anything, being on them takes the edge off. I’m not saying its a good or bad thing, but I can say for sure that bad things seem harder for me to deal with when I am off medication. Being on them offers a new, slightly blurred perspective
And, there’s nothing wrong with locking yourself in the bathroom (or whatever room you have with a lock) and having a good cry once in a while. Its cleansing, and does not mean you are a bad mom. You are only human, after all.
Hugs and love from around the world.
Liz
I had a breaking point this week, too…(thank you for coming by and noticing!)..I think all moms have them at some point or another…I wish we didn’t feel so guilty about them, but then we moms end up feeling guilty about everything. Give yourself a break. Get some sleep if you can (amazing how sleep is the first thing to go!?!)….pamper yourself…love on your babies….enjoy your tootsie rolls!
Hugs…Laura
Girl, listen to me. You feel you are close to breaking point. You know you are close. Let yourself have a day. A day where you scream into the pillow it is not fair, why me and all the pent up feelings. Allow yourself to not be the strong one. You will find the strength again. But you need to release it.
You know I have been there. You have seen me there.
And you know that I am there for you.
<3
Hi, just got 5 minutes on the ‘puter (yay!). Hugs from Sydney kiddo. Hang in there.
Hey, I left you something over on my blog…come see when you get a chance!
I know its hard but remember yourself.
I have just started reading a book by Anne Deveson called “Resilience” - as I have only started it, I cannot give you the magical formula yet.
So I will just have to echo some people above - you are not alone, you are allowed to reach out and ask for help, you are allowed to feel challenged and know it is normal (okay, its a bit more than normal, really, the merde thrown at you).
I have a flotsam and jetsam theory about life sometimes - when your legs are knocked from under you, it is almost guaranteed that another of life’s waves will come and try to wash you away. You need to find something to cling to for the impact of the relentless waves to lessen - some people do that with family, some with love, some with God.
You have amazing love and are one fierce mother - I know that you are going through tough times at the moment and I wish the waves would stop, but you have some amazing tethers working with you.
Oh Blather on here, Jeanie. One quote from the book - “just because we are in the shit does not mean we have to lie down in it”. It takes great power to get through - give yourself credit that it is hard, but also give yourself the power - through digging deep or reaching out.
Reading this broke my heart for you. I wish you peace.
My mother suffers from panic attacks and I know that she tells me how frightening and debilitating they are. All of us have a breaking point, I’m sorry you’ve reached yours…I am certain you can find the strength to get through.
((HUGS))
I’ve only recently found your blog (My DD has ED so it caught my eye).
You have endured a lot, and have been incredibely strong, but you are allowed to have your off days.
I am “recovering” from Agoraphobia & Depression, so I know how awful and debilitating panic attacks are, and that awful feeling that gnaws at you from deep within a little too much.
Seek help now, and I agree with everyone else that says you need some time just for you.
I will be thinking of you.
Take Care xx