Angry
It’s taken four years for me to reach this point in the grieving process. Four years of self blame, four years of doing what everyone thinks is right, the right way to behave, the right way to grieve. I have listened and adapted to people’s differing points of view as to how one should grieve. How long is acceptable, how (in)appropriate it is to bring up your dead baby’s name in conversation, how I should be on this medication, seeing this counsellor, doing this and that so that I can get over it.
I have made allowances for people forgetting, breaking promises, treating me differently.
I have been sad, very sad and I still have times of overwhelming devastation but tonight and every night for the last few I have been angry.
Angry with William for leaving.
Angry with myself.
Angry with the world for not understanding.
Just plain cross, with Dave, with the kids, with the people I love most in this life.
Even angry with my precious Ivy girl for being sick now, when it is William’s time.
I don’t want to be but I am and I accept that for what it is.
Yes, I am angry that others can’t; that they want to make light of the situation. I am angry that they want me to forget my gorgeous son. I am angry that they won’t make any allowances for me.
To grieve, to feel.
I am angry that they are uncomfortable with my anger. I am angry with their avoidance.
This wave, it will come crashing down and then the calm will come, once again. Please stick with me, while I ride it out. Accept this for what it is; a part of the grieving process. Allow me this.
I will allow you anything.
I’m not sure you can ‘get over’ losing a child. Nor do I think that just because they are gone, they shouldn’t be spoken of.
(((hugs)))
Anger is natural and key to the grieving process. Let it out.
Anger is a very natural part of grieving. Take your time, work through it as you have every other emotion. Because as you said, the calm will come again. It may never be something you ‘get over’ because losing a child is such a deep pain…but you will learn to cope better every year. Bless you and your family…
Let it all out hon. It’s your and William’s time, even if no one else realises that. Sending you lots of love over the blogwaves xxxx
I am sorry for your loss. Losing a child has to be the most devastating loss.
Modern society in general, just doesn’t understand or know how to grieve, Tiff. It’s all about instantaneous reactions, about individual comfort. Instead of taking the time to sit and wait while sharing a tear and a hug with those who are wounded, it is more ‘comfortable’ to ignore someone else’s pain, to offer advice on how to ‘fix’ it. But to empathize? That would be too ‘uncomfortable’, now wouldn’t it?
There isn’t a ‘right’ way to grieve a loss like this… you feel what you feel and I’m proud of you, Tiff, for being courageous enough to feel. Following someone else’s advice to just ‘take a pill and get over it’… that would only bring another form of death. And it has to be one of the most calloused and heartless things to say to a grieving mother. So grieve Tiff. Grieve without a stop-watch ticking behind you and make no apologies for doing so. Grieve with the anger, the sadness, and all the depths of that abyss of heartache that come with the loss of a child. And I will grieve with you.
Much Love,
Michelle @ In The Life Of A Child
I can’t imagine a right or wrong way to feel.
No rights, no wrongs, no timelines, no rules, no guide.
No fair.
Take your time, take strength from those who love you.
Take care of yourself.
Hey there. It must be a very frustrating time for you, as your energy requirements for Ivy would be sapping someone not needing energy for grieving - and grieving does require energy.
As others have said, there is not right or wrong as there was no right or wrong in a child passing on. Sometimes life sucks and you need to scream and cry and ask the universe some tough questions.
Noone can ever understand what every person going through grief is traversing. I just hope that you find some space to do so when it boils over.
Well done for letting it out and giving yourself permission to feel. Like all emotions, anger has it’s place. I’m still learning to allow myself to feel anger. It’s not easy.
Anger with the world is a normal part of grief. All I can tell you is that however long it takes to reach that final stage of acceptance, with it will come peace in the knowledge that the part of you that William took with him will remain with him always & he with you. It will become a time to remember & reflect on who William was & what may have been. The realisation will also come that those who have never lost a child cannot EVER understand the complete & utter anguish, sorrow, guilt, self recrimination & feelings of loss & you will finally be able to forgive them their lack of understanding. Until then, just go with your feelings & ride out the storm until the next one comes along. No-one can feel as you do & it’s O.K. to be self -centred about your thoughts & feelings. xoxoxo
I’ll stick with you.
There’s no such thing as a “right” way to grieve. Or a correct length of time for it. Losing a baby is the hardest thing ever and if it takes you a few weeks or a few years or even longer then so be it. You LOVED William and he shouldn’t be tucked away in a corner of your memory just because someone says “enough already, get over it”. I do agree that most people aren’t really insensitive, they’re more uncomfortable and don’t know how to handle grief that isn’t their own. As long as your children and Dave understand that your anger isn’t directed at them (I’m sure they do understand this), allow this time to happen. The anger will pass, as you said, and your world will be easier.
I’m sorry, Tiff, that I am one who doesn’t understand. How could I possibly know the depth of suffering you experience?
What I do know is that no one who knew William will ever ‘get over’ his death, least of all the one who brought him into this life. My thoughts are with you and with Dave.
In such a short time he changed everyone around him. I am still discovering how he has changed my thinking on so many things - parenthood, birth, mind, body and spirit. He deserves to be missed, loved, talked about, grieved. In your honesty and your courage, and in your grief you honour him. xx
hugs honey.
like others have said, no right, no wrong.
How on earth can anyone expect you to “get over it”? seeesh that kind of bullshit makes me wanna take to something with an axe.
You be angry all you like.
And we’ll make all the allowances you need.
I’m not quite arrogant enough to tell you that I understand.
Baby steps.
I love you.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow sweetheart..(((hugs)))
“Anger with the world is a normal part of grief. All I can tell you is that however long it takes to reach that final stage of acceptance, with it will come peace in the knowledge that the part of you that William took with him will remain with him always & he with you. It will become a time to remember & reflect on who William was & what may have been. The realisation will also come that those who have never lost a child cannot EVER understand the complete & utter anguish, sorrow, guilt, self recrimination & feelings of loss & you will finally be able to forgive them their lack of understanding. Until then, just go with your feelings & ride out the storm until the next one comes along. No-one can feel as you do & it’s O.K. to be self -centred about your thoughts & feelings”
I so love what ‘Mum’ wrote of course she is part of the wretched club too ..mothers of dead babies… sweet precious little souls who live on, only in our hearts and briefest of memories.
There are too many (not withstanding these beautiful friends here) who will never understand why we continue to grieve them… probably till we die… Let it all out Tiff and draw close to the ones who love you for strength and draw on your own incredible strength my friend.
My heart aches for you my dear friend and William …your beautiful boy
Not only do I think you have the right to be angry - I think you have the right to be angry for as long as it takes for you to not be angry. Five days, five years, or five life times. I hope, for your sake, you can allow yourself to be angry for as long as you need to be.
My thoughts and prayers, and yes, even my acceptance of whatever it takes for you is with you, now, and always.
Grieve. You’ll probably never stop grieving. And that’s o.k.
Hugs to you…
Anger is a part of grief and nobody can tell you how long the process might take. You will never forget William.
I am shocked and saddened that people can be that insensitive. I can’t imagine that you would ever “get over” losing a child, or really that you would ever want to, especially if you feel like the grief is the only thing still connecting you to your baby.
I’m so very sorry that you are in this place at this time when so much else is going on. I wish I could help, if only to give you the space you need to focus on William right now. All I can do is send you hugs and the promise that I’m always happy to hear about William if you ever want to share more.
Huge hugs.
I haven’t visited in ages. But you are now on my blogroll, so I can’t forget.
I wonder if people can’t deal with our grief because they can’t ‘fix’ it for us.
Be angry for as long as you need to.
Light and love.
Nikki