I think it’s pretty safe to say that camping and I are not a perfect match.
Stop laughing and stop saying I told you so.
When I was younger, I was a pretty mean camper. Could put up a bell tent in ten minutes, knew how to cook in a camp oven and made the best Mars Bar apple and damper. Rain did not phase me. I made the best Girl Guide envious. I was the poo.
20 years on and here I am in the rain,wishing for my home…or a nice dry resort room, with kids club and a cafe that sells anything that is not deep fried.I’m sure that the amount of money we spent on David’s behemoth tarp would have paid for at least one night, if not two in a nice hotel. I would happily forfeit on the third day of camping.
There are a few things I have learnt thus far about camping and my family whilst camping and the general camping population…here are ten to start with.
1. It is not acceptable to be an early rising family. 5:30am is not an okay time to get up, switch on lights, scream out for a shakey,cough, pass flatus, sneeze, breathe loudly. Don’t bother. If you do you will be on the outer of the camping community for good. No, there is no way back in. Once you break this rule, you will not be forgiven.
2. My family are the proverbial early risers. Can we go home yet?
3. Nine people in a tent does not work, no matter how my husband glorifies it. If he suggests just one tent again, he will be going camping on his own.
4. It is common and acceptable to wander around the campsite in your pyjamas (in their many forms) and not even get a second glance. Negligee? No problems. 20 year old stubbies that have an obvious hole in the crotch area? Even better. No shirt? No Bra? You’re In!
5. Also acceptable is stripping down in the shower block for the world to see.
6. There are many corners in a shower block for one to rock in when you have seen enough human flesh to make any porn film director blush. Trust me on that one.
7. When you go camping, expect it will rain. A lot. Even if the forecast is for sunshine. It will not be sunny.
8.Expect your husband to forget everything that will bring you any sort of comfort. Bacon? $2.90 Eggs? $4.50 An extra bottle of butane gas for the cooker, just in case you run out? PRICELESS!
9.Expect ‘kids club’ to include picking up your children in a brightly coloured box trailer, attached to a tractor. Expect it to circle the camp ground once. Expect that to take five minutes and accept that that is your kids club session complete.
10. Camping brings out the worst in your husband’s OCD. It means nothing for him to sweep the *&#$@% tarpaulin fifty zillion times in one MORNING. (Pity he can’t transfer that energy to the broom and the floor in our house. It would be spotless.
* Notice: David’s third and final guest blog post has been cancelled, due to comment induced hyper inflation of ego and due to the fact that he has been found guilty of bloggy incitement. Names of all traitors have been noted.*
