Thoughts…
I have been really pent up.
Hurting over the insinuations of Ivy’s colonoscopy reults.
Even though I have been cleared.
Last night it was all I could think about.
Here’s the thing,
I was abused.
Take that for what you will.
The foster boys, who are in my care, were abused.
I have spent my whole adult life running from parts of my childhood. Trying to be the best at being a mother, trying to be as unlike my father as I could.
My own mum did the very best she could for us and she was, and still is, my world.
Being a great Mum is my everything.
When you come from a childhood that was dysfunctional, you do all you can to get as far away from that as possible, or, you can become a repeat offender. The stats are there. Sadly, many who are treated badly turn around and do the same thing to the next generation.
I do not want to be included in that group of statistics.
Ever.
So to have someone make that suggestion…
it’s like something inside me has died.
I will be second guessing my actions and scrutinising everything I do for the rest of my life and it feels as though everyone else will be watching now too, waiting for me to slip up.
That can’t be good can it?
That can’t be normal.
It has taken such a long time to trust myself and others.
Where do I stand now?
I have complete faith in you.
oh hon, that is so unfair. I am so sorry this has happened and made you unsure of yourself. You are a great mum and deserve to think of yourself that way.
huge hugs
Oh hun, (((hugs))). You are an awesome Mum. Your children are happy and they adore you.
I am so sorry Tiff , this happened at all. Resolve to stand up and fight any accusations or insinuations.
I have the highest faith in you too my dear friend, knowing all the wonderful things you do for all the kids born or loved as if your own.
Don’t let this setback crush you Tiff , you are woman, you are strong you are invincible. We all love you! You are awesome !
Babe, when they can’t find the reasons they jump to accusations.
I was blamed for Too’s heartbreaking ‘nappy rash’. Apparently I didn’t wash her enough.
I was blamed for Boo’s Autism. I didn’t love him enough. Then I loved him too much (not letting him speak for himself, causing him to be rigid in his routines yada yada yada)
It hurts. It hurts a f*cking lot. But you have to have faith in yourself.
And you are lucky, you not only have a world of readers that have faith in you, you have a blog where it is all documented.
Proof babe. You have proof you are a wonderful mother.
Oh Tiff…
Remember what you know…remember what we know…that you are a devoted, loving, caring decent mother and human being who would do anything to prevent her babies from being hurt.
That throwaway comment, that possible interpretation of Ivy’s results, was made by someone who does not know that. Nor did they know the terrible wound they were touching by such a remark.
It’s a terrible cliche, but they were only doing their job. Let it go - it only has the power to hurt you if you hang onto it.
Hugest hugs for you…..xx
Tiff, I understand all too well the second guessing that goes on when you’ve been abused.
People can easily become the perpetrator, or they can choose a different path and break the cycle of abuse.
You (and I) chose a different path and it shows. Be very diligent to push away the negative self-talk that often occurs when someone has been abused, and keep reminding yourself that you are a good mom and a good person and you are not the victim of the past.
Dwelling on what was said and the emotions that come up will only make matters worse. You have the proof, so let it go now. (((Hugs)))
From what I’ve seen you’re an awesome, loving, compassionate and caring mother. Try not to let it hurt your heart or make you doubt yourself too much.
*xoxoxo*
you won’t repeat. you just won’t. you are a good mom. you are.
Yeah, I know how that feels. I’ve driven myself to the edge trying to be the mother mine never was. Then 1 arrogant report from an Educational Psychologist and I thought that made it official that I was the worst parent in the world. The guy hadn’t even met me and I gave him that much credence because of a piece of paper.
I don’t know that there is an easy answer. Right now I have the support of a wonderful counsellor who is helping me work through stuff. It’s hard work but I persevere in the hope that it will help me to be an even better mum to my kids.
I find it hard to accept that it’s not possible to be a perfect mother. In fact, I was overmothering my children which can be just as bad as neglect in the end.
There really isn’t anything I can think of to say that would help other than to reassure you that you’re not alone in your struggles.
One thing my doctor said to me that has helped was “most bad parents don’t actually think that they are bad parents”. In other words, if you’re worried that you might be a bad parent, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you aren’t. Does that make sense?
((((HUGS)))) I know this is a tough time for you right now but we’re all here for you loving and supporting you through it.
You know all the recriminations & accusations that have been thrown my way & how many times I, too, have lost faith in myself as a good parent over the years, but HEAR THIS! YOU have restored that faith, because when I see you, not only with your children (and hers), but with David, too I feel inspired & know I was a good mum. You’re right, of course. I did the best I could in all circumstances at the time and in hindsight, probably could have done things better, or perhaps differently, but the past cannot be undone & as much as we strive for perfection, in all reality it’s not possible. We are only human after all & we can only do the best we can. No mum or child is perfect but YOU are the closest thing to the perfect mum that I have known. You KNOW you have done your utmost for Ivy, so while the recent insinuation has hurt you deeply, that knowledge alone should restore faith in yourself. Take on board all these comments from everyone & let them buoy you up & out of the doldrums. LISTEN to these words of wisdom, this is your mum talking! (lol) xoxoxo
Where do you stand? On your own two feet, Tiff. Shoulders back, head held high. Because you KNOW you’re a good mom. No one who knows you would suggest otherwise. Those comments are tough… I’ve had a number of them from the medical community myself, when they haven’t taken the time to think before they speak. I think it’s just one of the pitfalls of raising a child with medical challenges… somewhere, sometime along the way some doctor or nurse or social worker with an absence of sense, or tact, or both is going to say something stupid. Suggest that what is going on is your fault or worse. And it’s NOT your fault, and you’ve done NOTHING wrong. File comments like that under inexperience or stupidity - under anything but the category “things that are my fault”. Then pick your chin back up and hug those kiddos tight knowing that they have the best mom in the world. Then email me the address of the yokel who dared suggest such a thing and I’ll have my little “bedside manner 101″ chat with them, OK? Big, squeeze-the-breath-out-of-you hugs…
~Michelle