Random thoughts of an insomniac gone mad.

… Maybe I am crazy…

Everything about this nightmare is wrong. Why can’t I help her? Why? I feel out of control, powerless. I can only imagine what she is going through.

When William was born my whole life changed. I have felt as though I have been falling ever since.

That night, that night, when the NICU nurse asked, ever so casually…’have any of the doctors mentioned his cardiac condition to you yet?’

No.

‘Oh, well, I shouldn’t say too much but he has a severe stenosis and will need to be transferred…I’ll go and find a doctor’.

Drawings of hearts and aortic valves and not enough oxygen and did we want to transfer?

Yes.

I wasn’t thinking he wouldn’t make it. I gave it up to the doctors, I put my son’s life in their hands. I moved with hope and with purpose that night.

We arrived at the new hospital. I had never held him, had barely had a chance to be with him, look at his features.

I put my son’s life in their hands, new doctors who I had never met before.

‘There is nothing we can do.’

But…

I trusted the process, I trusted you.

I can’t trust the doctor (any doctor). I don’t trust the process. Anymore.

Do I trust myself?

No.

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Comments

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Betsy (85 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 6:07 am:

PLEASE email me!! YOu have my email…right? Hang in there! email me!!
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Betsy (85 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 7:18 am:

my email, beschelbacher@hotmail.com

I found this resource for you…

http://www.blisters.org.au/BDHome.html

Hang in there!
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Jayne (124 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 2:47 pm:

NEVER loose trust in your own instincts.
Keep looking and searching and demanding answers.
((hugs))
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Veronica (226 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 6:02 pm:

Oh sweetheart. (((hugs))) Email me if you need to okay?
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frogpondsrock (99 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 7:14 pm:

just please dont forget that we are truly here for you tiff..

A non-blogger wouldn’t have a clue what I am talking about..

Oh sweety I can actually feel your helplessness and your pain..and your anger and frustration as well..

I am thinking of you and Ivy.. I am also thinking of all your children… please know that Ivy and you are in my heart..

(((hugs))) kim :)
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Tracey (87 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 7:21 pm:

I know what it costs you to publicise these feelings and I’m so grateful for your ‘bloggy’ friends.

Hang in there kid. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT inadequate as a mother or a human being. Look at the love that surrounds you: physically and bloggily (I think I just created a new word!).

Take those fears and doubts, close them in your fists, then blow them away. You are stonger and better than anyone else I know.

I love you, you silly mofo.
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Kelley (75 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 9:53 pm:

My heart is weeping babe.

I just caught up with what has been going on with you and NOW I understand that cryptic message on my blog.

<3 girl.
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Trish (157 comments.) said January 31, 2008, 11:02 pm:

Tiff- you know if there is anything I can - just call.
I will be up to see you soon.
It helps to get it off your chest and then let go of some frustration.
Ivy was blessed to have you as her mum - we all know you are doing everything possible.
{hugs}
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Lightening (24 comments.) said February 2, 2008, 11:24 am:

*sniff* I have just been reading your birth stories of William an Ivy & Noah. And shedding quite a few tears. You are so brave and amazing. Thank you so much for opening yourself up and allowing us to share a little in your journey.