In another life I was a midwife. Next year, I will hopefully be in a position to go back to it. I love it. I miss it.

In a life before that, I was a student midwife and I recorded the first few births and my feelings about them. (Before that I was a cardiac nurse).

So tonight I thought I’d share it.

Just for something different.

Just so you can see another part of who I am.

Without mentioning the kids.

Sharon

My first witness! Such a nice couple, second baby. A textbook birth. What a beautiful amazing mother! So silent and tuned into her own body. Transition was there! BANG! In your face, so like everything that you read and hear about. The midwife was amazing. So good at grounding the mum. Turning her negative thoughts into positive ones. They worked so well together, the midwife and the mum. A boy! A beautiful boy! Birth is magical and frightening and amazing. I am privileged to be a part of it.

Kelly

Kelly laboured beautifully. It was not her fault that the baby came out flat. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t help with the resuscitation and I couldn’t help with Kelly. I stood there. The babe was taken away to the resus room where the doctors started working on him. So much like my own experiences. I can’t cope, I can’t breathe! I went into Kelly but I still couldn’t tell her what was happening. I smoothed it over and made everything look pretty. Just what I didn’t want to do. I wanted to be honest but the words jumped from my mouth. ‘It will be okay’. I was ashamed of myself for not being able to tell her what she needed to know. I ran away from the ward and from the hospital. What sort of a midwife will I be? Not a good one, at the rate I am going. I didn’t understand a lot of what was happening. The whole room was spinning. Out of control, so out of control. So many tears. I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Robyn

First time Mum. Labouring for a while. Bewildered by the pain. ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do it’! Yes, you can. Dad is there. He hasn’t slept for 48 hours and counting, so tired, yet so excited, can’t relax, can’t sleep, the baby’s almost here! Midwives buzzing around, where do I fit in? Can I help with anything? Move this, get that, at least I am busy too. Here he comes! Push, Robyn, Push! A boy, another gorgeous boy, he’s perfect. A chance to help with the breastfeeding while the midwife repairs a very meaty looking peri. I don’t think that girl will EVER walk straight again! OUCH! The peri repair looks hard and no matter how hard I look I can’t see an apex. Will I ever be able to do that? Midwifery is everything that I am not…confidence, strong heartedness. Will I make it out there? I’m not sure.

Helena

A beautiful positive lady. Inquisitive. Lets me do my first VE. Perfect! 8cm, anterior position. I can feel the fontanelle! A well flexed baby, waiting to be pushed out into the world. Pushing with the contractions, working hard. Scrub up ?!?!? ME???? I’d love to but I’m so scared. My throat is dry. Hands over hands. Wet, slippery baby, I can’t do it. Pulling my hands away. He’s out, so new, smelling earthy, almost coppery. Midwife is great, confident, has faith in me. ME! How can this be? Yes, I’d like to help with the placenta. Oh no! There’s the cord and membrane but where is the placenta??? Still there? Fundus is rising, oh no! Did I do that? Synto pushed up. Waves of pain passing through the mum. Will she have to go to theatre? Yes, no, yes, no… Here is the doctor, a manual removal! Lots of gas, mum, nice deep breaths.It’s out, no problems. What a brave mum. So, a simple straight forward birth becomes complicated and I still don’t know if I had anything to do with it.

Angela.

Early in the morning. Do you want to come in? 4th baby, 6cm dilated. Hurry, you’ll miss it! I arrive just in time! Mum is standing! I have never seen this positioning before. So amazing, natural. Pants the head out and the body follows. Midwife catches the slippery mass. Oh! A girl! My first girl! Zoe, Life. No tears, placenta comes away, intact. This is the way it should be. Beautiful family, glowing. Restored faith, this happy, encouraged, exhausted student drives home to her own sweet babies.

Leah

Another early morning delivery. It’s raining and I think the Mum has changed her mind about having a student midwife in the room. The Dad is looking lost, I think he feels as unwanted as me. Midwife is possessive. I’m a watcher again and a go- for too. That’s okay. Not much time to talk. Things are moving quickly. Internal reveals a lip! Use the gas! Don’t push! Don’t push!! Okay, PUSH. Concentrate your energy! Don’t waste it swearing and hating your husband.Boy oh boy! ANOTHER little guy! Precious, soft, little being. Welcome to the world!Mum is mad, not sutures, again! Midwife is insistent.

Allison

Midwife calls. ‘Come back in, Mum is moving along and is happy for you to be there’. When I arrive I know she doesn’t really want me there. Not a student. Midwife is wonderful, encouraging, teaching. I feel comfortable for the first time in ages. Change of shifts. Okay, I can do this. Mum is moving fast, third babies do that. A very tough peri, very tight. Trying hard to save it. Small pushes. Out comes the head and the midwives start shuffling. This is a bad sign. Lights and trolleys and oxygen is switched on. Out he comes! What is it with the boys? I know I am meant to be doing something. The baby is stunned, not moving and blue. Does he have a strong heart? The midwife asks, I don’t know, I can’t feel anything except my own head pumping. She grabs the suctioning and another midwife rubs the baby down, around my hulking body. How useless am I with the mask and bag in my hands? Think student, THINK! This is not your birth! Wake up (I do) Bag the baby! (I do) Oh my God! Come on little guy! You can do it! The midwife is rubbing his feet, his inner energy spot. Come on, breathe, breathe. He’s pinking up! Thank God! See? He’s crying and breathing, we did it. Tears. Relief. I feel like vomiting. My head is thumping. The midwife brings me back to earth. Let’s do the Apgar’s. Yes, let’s. A newborn check? Yes, I can do that. I think I was just in the way. Did I do anything to help? The midwives are quiet, silently debriefing, in their mind’s eye. Every delivery is a new challenge.

Tracey

Tracey calls me, Can I meet her there? Yes, I wouldn’t miss it! How exciting! Meeting a babe who I have watched from 20weeks gestation. Here she is, labouring quickly, silently. The perspiration on her upper lip, those guttural noises! She MUST be close! Are you sure it’s okay for me to do a V.E.? Yes! I think she is fully but the midwife says no, just 7cm. Tracey is pushing, maybe I was right, it was five minutes after, multi’s do that, you know… Try the birth stool, no, not right, back on all fours! What???? Get my gloves on?! Quick, I can see the head… crowning, oh! Here he comes!!! Where are the midwife’s hands? Nowhere near mine… listening to foetal hearts way up there, shouldn’t she have her hands over mine? Try to puff him out Tracey, no, you can’t, here he comes, his head is out! Next contraction, here comes his shoulder after a perfect restitution. He’s here! Beautiful Sean! Little ‘spout’ Nice to meet you after all this time. Tracey is amazing. That sigh of relief and then a cuddle as the placenta comes. So empowering. THIS is why I want to be a midwife.