I’ve been reading alot of medical and nursing blogs lately. Mostly because I miss midwifery. Partly because I forget who I am sometimes. I feel as though I have lost my identity.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being at home with my children, I do.
It’s just…
David, who I love with all my heart, is not a great conversationalist. At least, not with me. He seems to be able to regale the soccer Mums with stories and trivia but not me. He’ll talk the ear off my (politically interested) friends but he won’t even enter into those things with me. My understanding of how the government works is far too basic for him.
Is it wrong to feel bored, when you have everything and more?
I’ve been dreaming alot lately. About doing more study, about becoming a doctor, about extending my professional skills in some way. Doing things that really interest me. Excite me I guess.
Not the housework.
Not the perpetual washing and hanging out of clothes.
Not the organisation of the house and the people within it.
Perhaps it is just an escape from everything that’s been going on that is making me feel restless. Perhaps it is because the only outings I seem to have these days is to the hospital or the doctor’s for Ivy and the rest of the time I am house bound.
I was thinking, in the small hours of the morning, about birth and the amazing, miraculous thing that it is and I craved it. I wanted to be there. I wanted to put my hands on that slippery head as it pushed it’s way into the world. I wanted it for myself and I felt greedy.
Aside from the privilege of being with a woman as she births her baby into this world, I really do want it for myself. Again.A pregnancy, that feeling of growth and movement. The wonderment of life. Ivy and Noah are growing so fast, no longer babies.
I know I can’t have it. I have no uterus to speak of and my tubes are well and truly tied but the longing is still there. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away?
I have been at home this weekend, while my elder children go here and there, while David does his own thing, while Ivy and Noah potter around and I feel… invisible. An overwhelming sense of nothingness, not being needed, not being appreciated. Taken for granted.
I made the suggestion that we go to the beach this afternoon, when it cools down. Something, anything to change the routine. This has been met with a less than enthusiastic response and I am feeling fragile, angry, let down and disappointed. So here I sit typing my woes out into the universe.
I am guessing that every SAHM feels this way sometimes, right? Please tell me I am not the only one. Please. I could do with the adult interaction!
Posted on January 13th, 2008 by Tiff
Filed under: Daily life, children, family
You are definately NOT the only one!! Honest to goodness, the number of times I have started doing courses or whatnot thinking that I “had” to do something, only to find that I didn’t really know what I wanted to do…….. And last year……… despite me not wanting to have more kids, I was dreaming of being pregnant every night and waking up disapointed every morning that I wasn’t…. Bizzare stuff goes on in my head I tells ya!!
Don’t make the beach an option - just tell them you’re all going and drag them there if you have to
Not alone at all. It’s okay to want to have an identity outside of being a mother. Hard as mothers to get our head around, but okay all the same. I can have more babies (physically) but DH isn’t keen.
Sounds like you and your DH need to find a way to reconnect though. I think the childbearing years make it harder….. The less you talk to one another, the easier it is not to talk to one another. Have you considered talking to him about the fact you don’t feel he talks to you the way he seems to enjoy with others?
Sending you (((HUGS))) cos it sounds like you could do with 1 or 5.
I remember when my kids were little and I was a SAHM, feeling like this at times. I felt I had no meaningful identity, which I now recognise as such a ridiculous thought, but at the time. Grrr the angst it would cause me, this discontented feeling!
Then I went back to work when they were in secondary school and as a single mum, I felt too tired, too busy, too taken for granted.
Now they are both virtually independent and I have my ‘life’ back. I miss those days at times. Everything does pass.
Shock them and go to the beach, whether they come or not!
You most certainly aren’t the only one. That feeling of invisibility is horrid, and it happens far too often.
(((hugs)))
Absolutely you are not the only one. Why do you think so many stay at home Mums have blogs? When I started to blog a few months ago it was the first time I felt like I had my own identity for a long time. I think its perfectly normal to feel a bit lost specially when you have young kids. I sure hope it passes too!
Well, excuse me. I’m deeply hurt and offended! I took you on a very stimulating outing yesterday, and this is the thanks I get? Huh! How rude. (For everyone other than Tiff, she knows I’m being a smartass).
Mate, I work full time and I STILL get the Sunday arvo blues. Daz and Mol will be flitting around tomorrow, doing what they do, and I’ll be commuting, working, getting pissed off with my colleagues. You KNOW we’re never happy with our lot!
*sigh* Being a Modern Woman is not all it’s made out to be. Yes, we are inundated with choices, but at the end of the day, unless you manage to get the work/life balance just so, it’s difficult to reach and maintain personal satisfaction.
*grins* How ’bout you go to work for me tomorrow, and I’ll come and spend the day with your kids! Interesting concept, no?
Wow - That was a really personal piece Tiff, very brave. Possibly in danger of going off in a tangent but picking up on one aspect of it.
I THINK I can recognise what you talk about, and it’s not necessarily just a SAHM issue, it’s also just a husband - wife issue.
I get the feeling from your past entries that David and myself are not too dissimilar.
He does recognise that he does this from time to time, but in a stupid man way it’s almost ‘giving up’ to reverse the trend.
He struggles with revealing his feelings to you, his wife, (time does that), but can tell strangers when he last cried.
He too has moments when he wishes you could wrap your arms around each other, close your eyes and let everything pour out, but I bet he feels frustrated that you don’t pick up on these moments when they come and then they pass, forever.
He will close up more if you seem to force him on these issues, the only way in is to find one of these moments or simply with patience and time.
He loves you more than any of his words could articulate and, what you’ve given him, fills him with so much pride he thinks that at times he may just burst.
Rightly or wrongly, I think this is how HE might feel….if he’s anything like me.
Oh my friend I so want to go off on the tangent of the longing for another pregnancy/ baby who needs you … me too and I don’t think it will ever go away but be somewhat satisfied when you get grandchildren that you don’t have to do and the mundane things for … just take them to see yummy movies like enchanted.
I wish I could tell you how I spent my Saturday afternoon without the babies or hubby () ()
()
Friday … you turn to totally chose an adventure ?
*not* the only one.
Some days are so much more like that than others…I am going back to being at home, after working for 3 years. It’s hard. I love my kids. I want to be home with them. I love my husband. He does NOT understand.
Oh, and I’d LOVE to have more babies. It probably won’t happen, but a girl’s gotta dream about something…and I don’t get out to movies to see the hunky guys anymore, anyway!
Oh tiff, this post really spoke to me…you are so obviously not the only one who feels this way. I think every woman who’s a mother hits this at some point.
I’ve been at home for 3 years…after working fulltime at my career for 15 years. At first it seemed like a dream, just perfect, being at home with my kids. Seeing all the precious moments of my baby, some that I felt I missed when I went back to work when my son was 9 months old.
But then you start missing that bit of yourself. Don’t feel quite as appreciated being the one at home. When your life is all about diapers, playdates, feedings, kidstuff. What happened to the woman previously known as hot, urban career woman about town? Even if you weren’t, but in your wild Sex in the City fantasies?
I just started a bit of work from home in November…it’s been a big adjustment, tough on many levels but you know what, I feel like I’m getting a little bit of me back. But that’s just me. I still have days that I wish all I had to plan was the playdates and the meals. And you’ve got so much more on your plate than me.
I agree, hubby and you time is important. Good luck with all that. I love your blog and will visit frequently
It’s called “mid-life crisis” & it grabs all mums every now and then, especially as we grow older & the realisation comes that our children are not so dependent on our nuturing instincts as they once were. Thoughts begin to automatically turn, though momentarily, to life after the children have grown & left the “nest”. It’s a time to reflect, to find yourself again & re-establish & renew that special relationship with your life partner & grow together. Love will conquer all! Hugs & kisses.
SO not alone! Thanks for posting this–it made ME feel not so alone!
No, you are not alone. I work 4 days a week and I still get the blues. Usually they only last for a day, but no longer than a couple of days. I try to go with it now and tell myself it’s just a phase and that things will be good soon.
Yeah, go to the beach by yourself. Nothing like a walk on the sand near the water to feel revived.
[…] shares her feelings with us in Broken thoughts of a SAHM? Sunday arvo blues. . My own children are now grown but how vividly I remember experiencing the same feelings as Tiffany […]
Often it only takes a bit of a nudge to persuade my family to go out somewhere, when it is a place I know they will enjoy once they get there.
Housework is boring, I still find it boring even now I do not have as much cleaning and tidying to do as I did when my children were young.
Can you not find something just for yourself to do, to give you some time out? I was a regular playgroup attendee and I went there for myself as much as for the kids.
When I was at the height of seemingly endless doctor’s appointments with my youngest son, I joined some community/neighbourhood house craft courses and ended up developing a keen interest in embroidery. I found it relaxing and satisfying to be creating something and it offered me adult company, with childcare thrown in.
Soon after I started an off campus TAFE course. Although this did not give me interaction with others, I could do it at my own pace. It was exercise for the brain and helped give me feelings of self worth. It took me 6 years to complete a course that would normally be 2 years but that suited me - one of the units led me into teaching myself web design and I put most of my efforts into that.
You may not like the craft idea but there are many options for learning other skills or for keeping fit, exercise being a great way to pick up your mood.
Nope not alone at all. I’m writing about the same stuff! Well except the having more babies part.