Better, and yet?
I don’t know where to start.
We went to the paed today.
There. That wasn’t so bad. A start.
The paed was lovely, kind, caring. I seriously couldn’t fault him today. He even charmed Maddy, who had come with me to help.
Noah is fantastic. Growing well. Chest is good, the Singulair is working. He is developing well. You would never know he was born at 30 weeks gestation. Happy, contented toddler, dream child. Shook the paed’s hand and was generally the little charmer.
That’s my boy.
Ivy’s bottom, for all intensive purposes, is looking much better. We extended the cycle to 10 days before the blisters came up. The only drawback with this cycle was three tiny blisters on her bottom lip. I thought it was thrush at first but then they puffed out and filled with fluid. Small but definitely blisters. So we have moved on to a new area, it seems.
Her ears and her chest look and sound great. One grommet out, one still in. It looks as though we will be going through with the adenoidectomy sooner, rather than later and a new set of grommets. Bloods and poo samples have come back normal so far, which is good, except when you are looking for a reason. Except when she has the grossest diarrhoea known to the human race.
The best part? She has put on 1 kilo.
In.
Two.
Weeks!!!!
Lordy, I knew that girl was eating but whoa! Slow down Ivy girl or you’ll be on a calorie controlled diet next…
Anyway.
She performed, she danced, both of the toddlers proclaimed undying love for the paed. She walked on hands and feet, buck naked, red and brown toned bottom stuck high in the air… and then she crashed and the roid rager took over. The paed visibly recoiled (ok, so maybe I embellish but he did notice the difference).
So now?
Now we reduce.
We reduce the pred.
We reduce the antibiotics.
We stop the ear drops.
We start to take chances… again.
Here’s the kicker; I’m scared. For her.
It got me to thinking, with all of the other children, I worried about them when they were little and sick, I still worry when they are acutely unwell. I worry about Noah in that same way but I always know they will be okay. In my heart of hearts, I know.
It’s different with Ivy. Sometimes I am worried about her…existence, her being strong enough to weather all this…no, that’s not right either.
I worry that one day she won’t be here.
It’s a different kind of worry and what’s more is I don’t have that sense that everything will be alright and I think that frightens me more than anything. That confidence that she will be okay is just not there and it shakes me.
I have turned this over in my head tonight. I’ve wondered why. Is it because Ivy and Noah came after William died? If that’s it then why is it just Ivy and not the boy, who looked the spitting image of his brother when he was born?
My mum says that Ivy is a fighter, she is strong to go through prem birth and all the illness and still manages to smile. She is right, of course but still I worry differently for her.
Is it some weird mother sense?
I hope not. I hope it’s just a case of the post traumatic crazies.
Because I knew (all be it subconsciously) that Will would not be here, come toddlerhood.
breathe babe. breathe.
These are normal, albeit frustrating, feelings of a mother feeling out of control. Normal. Totally normal.
As mums we are supposed to be able to kiss the boo boo’s and fix everything. Especially when they are little. And you can’t. You are doing everything that you can. But it doesn’t stop the late night crazies taking over and making you hit your head against the virtual brick wall.
Breathe babe. I understand and feel your pain. Just keep writing.
<3
Ah Tiff … yes - breathe, think calm blue seas….I think I know exactly what you mean because I have the same fears for all my children but after Will & Charlotte is it any wonder we can totally relax and trust our children will be okay .
It helps to get if off your chest though.
I know you had those dreams about N & I when you were pregnant and it was all okay …though premature not the other ones.
So we can only hold Ivy in our thoughts and prayers that she will overcome this and give it everything she has got to beat it into remission.
I can feel your pain and after seeing poor Ivy’s bum it is worse than I imagined (but better now IYKWIM) - hang in there . Ivy is a tough cookie and she can use a little more beef.
She is still the most adorable little princess in my eyes.
All your children are beautiful, well behaved and a tribute to your wonderful care and mummy powers.
Normal, normal and normal for a mom to feel this way. We are supposed to offer comfort and solutions to our wee ones.
I found this website, I don’t know if you will find it helpful. My thoughts have been singularly focused on you and Ivy so I do hope this will be helpful for you and ultimately for her. http://www.uoregon.edu/~sshapiro/Pemphigus/TableOfContents.html
oh hon….. i’m hoping for the best …
Oh sweety.
I have a block of chocolate here for you, just as soon as I get near a post office
Oh Sweetheart (((HUGS))) If you didn’t have those thoughts and feelings you wouldn’t be human..
You are doing a great job.. You are an awesome Mum …. xoxoxoxoxoxox
Kim xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I pray that your fears are unfounded.
There is a pressie for you on my blog xxx
Motherhood sucks. We get all the golden times, with smiles, laughter and treasured moments but the mongrel universal account-ledger has to balance out so we get the crappiest, saddest, most stressful shyte no one on this earth would tolerate in a paid position.
But Mums do, every day.
Hang in there ((hugs))
You’re not crazy, Tiff - you just love your kids. Fiercely. When they hurt, you hurt with them. You want to fix it and it’s torture when you can’t. I told you this once of William, and I think it’s true of Ivy too. God knew they needed something extra. He knew you would love them like they deserve to be loved. He knew that you would fight for them. So keep fighting. Even when it’s scary. Even when you inch up to that terrible cliff and take a long peek over the edge. We can’t help peeking now and then - we love them. We care what happens. Just don’t set up camp and live there OK??? The rent’s too expensive Sweetie. I know you can do this. You’re the perfect Mommy for Ivy. No one else could be what she needs, and you’re doing one amazing job!